Let me have it
- Thread starter Toqueme
- Start date
NikkiBastion
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2011
- Posts
- 152
I'm still new here so my review isn't going to be from a pro standpoint, but a general reader; hope you find it somewhat helpful.
The writing itself is nice, well done but it had the effect of being more distracting than drawing me in. I guess it felt out of place for the subject matter. The other area that was disconcerting was - with disclaimer following - it wasn't consistent.
To explain - the narration itself was revealing one perspective, one that struck me as almost Victorian in a way, something prim and proper...and then the "fuck me" and "fuck yes" and "what do we have here" and the internal dialogue sounded like it came from someone else. I found myself hitting "speed bumps" in the pacing taking me out of the story entirely and wondering if "you" the writer talks this way in real life. It didn't feel natural, or like natural dialogue to the character.
To be fair, some of the terms used made me assume that you - the author - isn't living in the US, so the vernacular may be just difference in culture. I found myself translating it into proper Brit until the 'fuck me' parts then skidded me into a porn theater in the US. That's what I mean by inconsistent, it didn't fit the character to say it based entirely on the narrative aspect being so flowery and prim and proper.
A specific example - someone who would say:
A squirrel scolded me in sharp, staccato chirping. The smells and sounds of life around me were heady, dizzying. A natural smile lit up my face and my step took on a happier bounce.
to me, isn't at all likely to just as naturally say this:
Fuck it all. Fuck it all and fuck me too.
Given that, it was hard to accept as plausible, for someone who would even have the poetic presence of mind to mention the scolding of squirrels isn't likely, by nature, to fuck a stranger who catches her masturbating...but would seem more likely to jump up, outraged, embarrassed, grab her pants and run away, then go home and cry at the shame and humiliation of being caught and say something like, 'Oh dear me, whatever have I done!'
Two voices that clash...the narration and the internal dialogue make the events feel contrived and unbelievable...so two stories and characters and happenings pushed into one.
Again, from a general reader point of view. Others will no doubt see it differently and hopefully their contributions will help round it out and not confuse worse
The writing itself is nice, well done but it had the effect of being more distracting than drawing me in. I guess it felt out of place for the subject matter. The other area that was disconcerting was - with disclaimer following - it wasn't consistent.
To explain - the narration itself was revealing one perspective, one that struck me as almost Victorian in a way, something prim and proper...and then the "fuck me" and "fuck yes" and "what do we have here" and the internal dialogue sounded like it came from someone else. I found myself hitting "speed bumps" in the pacing taking me out of the story entirely and wondering if "you" the writer talks this way in real life. It didn't feel natural, or like natural dialogue to the character.
To be fair, some of the terms used made me assume that you - the author - isn't living in the US, so the vernacular may be just difference in culture. I found myself translating it into proper Brit until the 'fuck me' parts then skidded me into a porn theater in the US. That's what I mean by inconsistent, it didn't fit the character to say it based entirely on the narrative aspect being so flowery and prim and proper.
A specific example - someone who would say:
A squirrel scolded me in sharp, staccato chirping. The smells and sounds of life around me were heady, dizzying. A natural smile lit up my face and my step took on a happier bounce.
to me, isn't at all likely to just as naturally say this:
Fuck it all. Fuck it all and fuck me too.
Given that, it was hard to accept as plausible, for someone who would even have the poetic presence of mind to mention the scolding of squirrels isn't likely, by nature, to fuck a stranger who catches her masturbating...but would seem more likely to jump up, outraged, embarrassed, grab her pants and run away, then go home and cry at the shame and humiliation of being caught and say something like, 'Oh dear me, whatever have I done!'
Two voices that clash...the narration and the internal dialogue make the events feel contrived and unbelievable...so two stories and characters and happenings pushed into one.
Again, from a general reader point of view. Others will no doubt see it differently and hopefully their contributions will help round it out and not confuse worse
Toqueme
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2009
- Posts
- 145
Thank you, this is quite helpful.
I was going after a transition from a pent-up, work-stressed character who relinquishes control to let loose her slutty, dirty desires.
It seems that maybe that transition was too subtle, not emphatic enough, and so the language and internal dialogue would definitely seem inconsistent.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and offer me some good, constructive feedback!
I was going after a transition from a pent-up, work-stressed character who relinquishes control to let loose her slutty, dirty desires.
It seems that maybe that transition was too subtle, not emphatic enough, and so the language and internal dialogue would definitely seem inconsistent.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and offer me some good, constructive feedback!
