Lazy dom / smartass sub

[BeachGurl2]

I find myself in an interesting quandry. In past relationships, I've never really pushed/tested my Dom's limits, mainly, I think, because I knew punishment would be swift and sure. Oh, of course, now and then, I've done something to see if I could get away with it. It's the smartass in me, can't help myself. But my current Dom is what he terms "lazy". Punishment doesn't really happen. He gets upset but doesn't really do anything about it.

Because of this, I find myself testing his limits more and more. Being a smartass. Saying "no" when he wants me to do something. And a lot of the time, he's too lazy to really push back, so he just moves on to the next thing without pushing back. If he feels strongly about something, he pushes it, and ultimately wins the "battle". But he still doesn't really punish me for behaving badly.

So he's determined that I'm not a sub, I'm a bottom. But I know that's not at all true. I know that what I'm doing is pushing him as hard as I can to get him to stop being lazy and actually take charge. But it's leading me to think that he may be more of a top than a Dom.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? I'd love to hear from Doms and subs alike.

 

[CherryPop22]

I can understand where you are comming from. I have had that happen to me a lot when i am speaking to a Dom. If i get bored with them i start getting myself in trouble and making sure i get caught just to get them to do something and it usually ends up with them saying i top from the bottom and then we don't talk

I have yet to find a Dom that doesn't let me wrap him around my finger eventually

 

[chelseachained]

Hehehe

thinks you two are looking for a spanking
wicked grins

 

[BeachGurl2]

I can understand where you are comming from. I have had that happen to me a lot when i am speaking to a Dom. If i get bored with them i start getting myself in trouble and making sure i get caught just to get them to do something and it usually ends up with them saying i top from the bottom and then we don't talk

I have yet to find a Dom that doesn't let me wrap him around my finger eventually

So that would beg the question then ~ is he a Dom or is he a top? Because if he's really a Dom, why do you keep getting away with that behavior?

thinks you two are looking for a spanking
wicked grins

I never said I wasn't, but would that be for pleasure or punishment?


I really want to hear from some Doms here, too. Pleeeeeaaaaasssssse.

 

[Netzach]

I get "lazier" and "lazier" when this kind of pushing and testing goes on. Eventually I'm so lazy that the "sub" in question finds himself or herself moving along to the next person who responds better to manipulation.

 

[shaymless]

I understand where the OP is coming from - I've been there. For me it was because I thought I had to feel the overt dominance in order to feel submissive. I just wanted him to DO something....I liked to feel somewhat micromanaged. I wanted to be tamed, to surrender.

It turns out that my behavior caused a reaction like Netzach's with this particular man. When my behavior changed, so did his. It turns out he wanted a submissive to be submissive, he didn't want to be a lion tamer. It also turns out that I found more contentment and more peace within myself and my own submission. Pretty cool lesson I learned and now I tend to not feel comfortable with or be attracted to the type of dom that wants to be a lion tamer.

So maybe your styles just don't suit - nothing wrong with that, it is what it is and if it's important, you'll find a reasonable compromise that works for both of you.

shay

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm with Netzach on this as it is manipulation to get the Dom to behave in the way you think they should, which generally does not go over too well and becomes boring and tedious. It could be you are just mismatched and this is not their style, or as you say they have determined you as a bottom, not a sub. Although you do not agree, I have come across the situation before and it has been highlighted that if you are a submissive, you submit, not try and get things the way you see fit. Dominance is not always about forcing another to do everything you want, though that is the impression promoted by some porn sites wanting to cash in on fantasy. There is that little thing called consent whereby you intially agree who submits, who dominates, and which does not translate to 'force me to do what you want or you are not a Dominant'.

Given I am myself now expected to interact with subs myself, I am also beginning to learn more about this from the perspective of Top and Dominant. I have had a sub who pushes, tries to get what he wants to happen when he wants, and my response eventually was to ask who was the submissive in this situation...it worked as it showed him I did not see what he was doing as submitting, nor was I impressed, nor was I going to tolerate it any longer as I have better things to do, and that he saw immediatly what he was doing wrong if he wanted to continue. It actually takes a lot of energy to top or dom another and if the roles have been accepted, it is not something which needs to be tested and reproved continuously, especially based on the sub's opinion...if they don't feel dominated or topped, they can move on and find someone who fits their image more effectively.

Catalina

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Classic topping from the bottom. Try bottoming from the top for awhile if you like to manipulate situations. Me I prefer to remain on my knees and wait for direction.

I find myself in an interesting quandry. In past relationships, I've never really pushed/tested my Dom's limits, mainly, I think, because I knew punishment would be swift and sure. Oh, of course, now and then, I've done something to see if I could get away with it. It's the smartass in me, can't help myself. But my current Dom is what he terms "lazy". Punishment doesn't really happen. He gets upset but doesn't really do anything about it.

Because of this, I find myself testing his limits more and more. Being a smartass. Saying "no" when he wants me to do something. And a lot of the time, he's too lazy to really push back, so he just moves on to the next thing without pushing back. If he feels strongly about something, he pushes it, and ultimately wins the "battle". But he still doesn't really punish me for behaving badly.

So he's determined that I'm not a sub, I'm a bottom. But I know that's not at all true. I know that what I'm doing is pushing him as hard as I can to get him to stop being lazy and actually take charge. But it's leading me to think that he may be more of a top than a Dom.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? I'd love to hear from Doms and subs alike.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I appreciate all the responses so far. I probably should have explained more fully what I meant. My smartass behavior is outside of the bedroom, never inside. This isn't a topping from the bottom during scening kind of thing. When we scene, things go very smoothly. The funny thing is that I've never reacted this way before. He admits that he's just lazy. So maybe you're right. Maybe it's just a mismatch of personalities - which is too bad, because we really do have a lot of things in common when we get things going well.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I appreciate all the responses so far. I probably should have explained more fully what I meant. My smartass behavior is outside of the bedroom, never inside. This isn't a topping from the bottom during scening kind of thing. When we scene, things go very smoothly. The funny thing is that I've never reacted this way before. He admits that he's just lazy. So maybe you're right. Maybe it's just a mismatch of personalities - which is too bad, because we really do have a lot of things in common when we get things going well.

Though perhaps it is how you are looking at it. If you consider it not topping from the bottom because it occurs outside the bedroom, then perhaps you mean you are only a bedroom submissive and this is the terms of the relationship...in which case you can't expect him to Dom you outside the bedroom as in punishment or anything else if it is not the type relationship you have.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I wasn't talking about the bedroom.

I'm actually much *less* inclined to get annoyed at this kind of thing while we're playing.

 

[Guest]

I wasn't talking about the bedroom.

I'm actually much *less* inclined to get annoyed at this kind of thing while we're playing.

Ditto.....
Also...
Pretty much Ditto to Netz' first post to this thread as well..

 

[chris9]

I'm thinking here, as in theory thinking and without knowing anything more about any of you that it sounds pretty natural to test your boundaries as a submissive in a newer relationship, and even later on, if limits to your behaviour are not set and enforced. I'm comparing it to raising kids. They will stay up longer than is good for them, eat more chocolate, are annoying brats, if the parents don't manage to keep them in check. Ways to do so might include punishment/threads the parents are willing to act on/teaching before.
Now I do see a difference in the behaviour of the sub, as they are grown-up and better able to decide for themselves, to judge, to do what's right. Still in my theoretical opinion the Dom teaches/trains the sub to their liking. This might only be telling them what to do, and expecting them to do so. Still, if there are no consequences to not obeying, it's human nature to not be doing whatever you should be doing. The whole angel on one shoulder, devil on the other deal.

 

[rosco rathbone]

So he's determined that I'm not a sub, I'm a bottom. But I know that's not at all true. I know that what I'm doing is pushing him as hard as I can to get him to stop being lazy and actually take charge. But it's leading me to think that he may be more of a top than a Dom.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? I'd love to hear from Doms and subs alike.

No clearcut "dom/top" lines exist. He may just not be YOUR dom. You might need more attention than he wants to give.

 

[babiesmiles]

I find myself in an interesting quandry. In past relationships, I've never really pushed/tested my Dom's limits, mainly, I think, because I knew punishment would be swift and sure. Oh, of course, now and then, I've done something to see if I could get away with it. It's the smartass in me, can't help myself. But my current Dom is what he terms "lazy". Punishment doesn't really happen. He gets upset but doesn't really do anything about it.

Because of this, I find myself testing his limits more and more. Being a smartass. Saying "no" when he wants me to do something. And a lot of the time, he's too lazy to really push back, so he just moves on to the next thing without pushing back. If he feels strongly about something, he pushes it, and ultimately wins the "battle". But he still doesn't really punish me for behaving badly.

So he's determined that I'm not a sub, I'm a bottom. But I know that's not at all true. I know that what I'm doing is pushing him as hard as I can to get him to stop being lazy and actually take charge. But it's leading me to think that he may be more of a top than a Dom.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? I'd love to hear from Doms and subs alike.

I do know too little about the whole situation to give you an answer which is other than a personal hypothesis , but couldn't be his " acclaimed laziness" just the way he uses to punish your "smartass" behaviour ?

It happens sometimes with Doms who are more "smartasses" than their subs !!

 

[alice_underneath]

Hi, BeachGurl.

I think you know this already, but I just want to make sure. I have never been in a D/s relationship of the type described on this Board, so please take my comments below with an enormous grain of salt!

Punishment doesn't really happen. He gets upset but doesn't really do anything about it.

When my Husband gets upset by something I have done (or not done), that to me is a significant type of punishment all by itself. There is an emotional pain in knowing that I made Him disappointed, hurt, or angry.

I could understand the wish for a tangible punishment, which might make you feel as if you had somehow "paid" for whatever you did that displeased him. But what I don't understand is why the idea of upsetting him doesn't bother you more.

I am not saying that you are a bad mate, or un-submissive. What I am suggesting is that Mr. Rathbone might be right. Perhaps the "problem" is simply that this guy is not the right Dom for you. He doesn't inspire you to submit to him (in the sense of putting his pleasure in front of your own).

I read a very interesting post by Serijules recently:

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=16461858&postcount=27

It seems relevant to your predicament here. She describes herself as bottoming to many, but submitting to just one.

Perhaps you just need to find the One that inspires you to submit, both in and out of the bedroom.

Respectfully,
Alice

 

[chris9]

>snip<
When my Husband gets upset by something I have done (or not done), that to me is a significant type of punishment all by itself. There is an emotional pain in knowing that I made Him disappointed, hurt, or angry.

I could understand the wish for a tangible punishment, which might make you feel as if you had somehow "paid" for whatever you did that displeased him. But what I don't understand is why the idea of upsetting him doesn't bother you more.
>snip<

Maybe there is also a difference in emotional attachment. BeachGurl, I'm just assuming here. But I got the impression that you haven't been with this present Dom for very long. I'd imagine that at least for me it would make a huge difference if I was connected with my Dom closely emotionally/mentally to invoke me feeling like Alice described (I snipped that part). But that is just assuming on your feelings, so it might be completely off.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Now that made me shiver.

I wasn't talking about the bedroom.

I'm actually much *less* inclined to get annoyed at this kind of thing while we're playing.

 

[graceanne]

No clearcut "dom/top" lines exist. He may just not be YOUR dom. You might need more attention than he wants to give.

That's kinda what I was thinking. Sounds like you're just not well matched. He wants a sub who just submits. And you want a dom/me that makes you submit.

Now that made me shiver.

Are you cold?

 

[Blushing Bottom]

LMAO

No sweetie, I'm all HOT and you are SAMmy!

That's kinda what I was thinking. Sounds like you're just not well matched. He wants a sub who just submits. And you want a dom/me that makes you submit.



Are you cold?

 

[graceanne]

LMAO

No sweetie, I'm all HOT and you are SAMmy!

Moi? *bats eyes*

 

[Kajira Callista]

Moi? *bats eyes*

smiles at the eyes batting.

 

[graceanne]

smiles at the eyes batting.

for the Master of the innocent look

 

[Kajira Callista]

for the Master of the innocent look

Master??

 

[raven2]

Master??

Oh, you don't have to call me that.