"Laws of Mastery"

[robynwildchild]

L'état, c'est moi
i am the state
and nothing more
if i am the foundation
then you are a building upon me
i watch and wait
while
you choose which corner to cement down
i'll see
just how i'm goin to respond to thee
in my deterrent world and my masculine poses
i'm the bitch in the corner
who smells better than roses

but once these words are out
they careen like doves
and fly away and nothing will be what it ever was

what is love
when you adore the abscence
who you want can't be planted
and demanded
or coerced
provoking only strong words and a weakness in respect
how do you think it was going to turn
with all those words
that dissolve and change resolve

the sleeping dragon
waits in the dark
listens and watches and waits for a spark
with all men who hark
and come hither
the danger lies in what the giver is willing and able to deliver

insure the master
what they are willing to accept and you have
a life
a will without waiver
and nothing in contempt
love can be returned upon what you are willing to accept

 

[foehn]

There are a few inadvertent errors, and a few other things that bother me. Otherwise, it's a good poem.

"Determint" -- "determinate?"
... you say "sleeping" and "willing" but also "goin" (no apostrophe)
Why the use of the antiquated word, "thee?"
"Carreen" should be "careen"...
"Hark/ and come hither" has sort of an odd ring to it.
"Insure" should be "ensure," I'm sure.
And then there's the matter of the overabundance of internal rhymes, and wickedlly-placed free-rhythm rhymes.
All that aside, though, there's a good seed, here:

L'état, c'est moi
i am the state
and nothing more
if i am the foundation
then you are a building upon me
i watch and wait
while
you choose which corner to cement down
i'll see
just how i'm goin to respond to thee
in my determint world and my masculine poses
i'm the bitch in the corner
who smells better than roses

but once these words are out
they carreen like doves
and fly away and nothing will be what it ever was

what is love
when you adore the abscence
who you want can't be planted
and demanded
or coerced
provoking only strong words and a weakness in respect
how do you think it was goin to turn
with all those words
that dissolve and change resolve

the sleeping dragon
waits in the dark
listens and watches and waits for a spark
with all men who hark
and come hither
the danger lies in what the giver is willing and able to deliver

insure the master
what they are willing to accept and you have
a life
a will without waiver
and nothing in contempt
love can be returned upon what you are willing to accept

 

[robynwildchild]

Re: Re: "Laws of Mastery"

i'm exceptionally careless with the spelling and grammar.. so if it bothers you.. oh well.. i have no editor and i'm not a professional.. its what it is and what comes out so .. thanks tho

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Re: "Laws of Mastery"

i'm exceptionally careless with the spelling and grammar.. so if it bothers you.. oh well.. i have no editor and i'm not a professional.. its what it is and what comes out so .. thanks tho

Are you posting these poems just to share or are you looking for constructive feedback to improve your work? Critiquing a poem can take effort, and I know some of us don't want to offer suggestions that aren't welcome. "so if it bothers you... oh well" is rude. There's no other way to put it. And saying you have no editor and that you're not a professional are simply lazy excuses. When you offer your words to the public, offer them something that you put some effort into. You can go online and use a free dictionary and look words up. I do.

 

[robynwildchild]

lets get petty shall we

this isn't a cock fight nor is it a school for learning where we grade each other on grammar punctuation and spelling. these credits don't count for shit.

if you find me rude or lazy then be offended
that's all offer then that's all you see

if you don't like it then by all means please don't read it. i don't need what you have to offer. i post for myself.

 

[zukethecuke]

Re: lets get petty shall we

this isn't a cock fight nor is it a school for learning where we grade each other on grammar punctuation and spelling. these credits don't count for shit.

if you find me rude or lazy then be offended
that's all offer then that's all you see

if you don't like it then by all means please don't read it. i don't need what you have to offer. i post for myself.

No one posts for themselves -- you keep a notebook under your pillow for yourself, yes, or in a locked drawer, or save a file to disk for yourself. You post and publish for others.

You are not, I should say, alone in this pose. William Gass has claimed that his fiction is not meant for the masses, for the public at large, but only for the few who are willing to puzzle through it; he doesn't explain why he then permits his novels to be published in paperback editions....

 

[robynwildchild]

You are not, I should say, alone in this pose. William Gass has claimed that his fiction is not meant for the masses, for the public at large, but only for the few who are willing to puzzle through it; he doesn't explain why he then permits his novels to be published in paperback editions....

this is the doorway to my notebook. these are the pages that fill notebooks that remain stashed on shelves and packed away... this is where i start. my pen and pencil are for drawing. thoughts are faster than hands can hold.

i can say its not for everyone.
only those who can appreciate the emotional value or message or whatever point i'm tryin to get across... its my imagination reaching out. not in form line dot period comma hyphenation.its art that can only express itself through the sheer means of how i feel .. it and of its self is its own creation.. regaurdless of perfection... or corrective comments.... but thank you all for participating in its expression.

 

[thenry]

How can we understand what you feel if we can't understand what you're saying? If I wanted to read raw feelings that hadn't even yet made it to the notebook, then I would open the passions thread.

Do you think your poetry is less pure for having been worked on?

 

[Angeline]

this is the doorway to my notebook. these are the pages that fill notebooks that remain stashed on shelves and packed away... this is where i start. my pen and pencil are for drawing. thoughts are faster than hands can hold.

i can say its not for everyone.
only those who can appreciate the emotional value or message or whatever point i'm tryin to get across... its my imagination reaching out. not in form line dot period comma hyphenation.its art that can only express itself through the sheer means of how i feel .. it and of its self is its own creation.. regaurdless of perfection... or corrective comments.... but thank you all for participating in its expression.

Robyn, Eve asked you if you want feedback--and you got it from a few people--because most people post poems here for that reason. They want help from others to try to improve their writing. If you don't, that's fine--I believe Eve is just trying to clarify that that is the case.

You're using these threads as a personal journal and we can read them or not, but you don't care about editing or grammar, correct? On the other hand, if the poems are only for you why bother putting them here at all instead of just keeping them on your computer? No ill will intended, just wondering...

 

[*Catbabe*]

this isn't a cock fight nor is it a school for learning where we grade each other on grammar punctuation and spelling. these credits don't count for shit.

if you find me rude or lazy then be offended
that's all offer then that's all you see

if you don't like it then by all means please don't read it. i don't need what you have to offer. i post for myself.

If "these credits don't count for shit" as you eloquently put it, then why are you getting all worked up and defensive? Why take the time to be rude to Eve, who happens to be one of the most welcoming and generous commentators on the board?

Do you realize that saying this place is the same as a private journal makes about as much sense as a kid covering up their eyes and saying you can't see me?

Don't mind me though I like to edit my stuff, which apparently makes me unappreciative of your emotional depth and entirely devoid of imagination.