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Laughter is Contagious

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About Beer, by 7-Year-Olds

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they
thought of beer.'

7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says
the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we
get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep,
so beer is nice.

7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks
it and takes her top off at parties.'

7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they
drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses
to each other, which is a good thing.'

7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny.
He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too
much.

7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks,
the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time
Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue
and they taste disgusting.'

7-year-old Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter andI don't like
it. Mom likes it, but she gets tired and leans at guys and
they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap.
When they come back, she is all perky and happy, and the
guys are all tired out.

7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he
goes to sleep.'

7-year-old Brittney - I don't like beer, but mom says it
helps you get the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to
like it.

7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says
silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks
beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone
down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

7-year-old Fergie - My mom never drinks beer when dad is
home, but he sometimes does. Then she yells at him when
it makes him want to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when
dad is away. When it makes her want to smooch, she will do
it with everybody, even the Pizza guy, and he is weird.

7-year-old Alice - My sister told me you have to drink
your own weight in beer before you start to like it. She has
some ways to go yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her
until they have had a whole lot of beer, then they get nice
and play with her.

7-year-old Brad - Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me
it makes you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend
I would need an awful lot of beer.
 
From the movie "Serenity":

Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: This landing is gonna get pretty interesting.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Define "interesting".
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: [deadpan] Oh God, oh God, we're all going to die?
 
A Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard -


A *guy was getting ready to tee off on the first *hole when a second golfer
approached and asked *if he could join him. The first said that he *usually
played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few *holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly *matched, how about playing for five bucks a *hole?" The first guy
said that he wasn't much *for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen *holes with ease.

As they were walking off *number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was *the pro at a neighboring course and
liked to *pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that *he was the Parish
Priest.

The pro was *flustered and apologetic, offering to return the *money. The
Priest said, "You won fair and square *and I was foolish to bet with you. You
keep your *winnings."

The pro said, "Is there *anything I can do to make it up to *you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could *come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, *if you want to bring your mother and father *along, I'll marry
them.
 
I very quietly confided to my*friend that I was having an affair.

He turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, dear friends, is the definition of 'OLD'!
 
My Monkey

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair".

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "my monkey has grown hair".

Her sister smiled and said, "that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".
 
The Man Rules

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear 'the rules' From the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
 
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really, what'd he say?"

He said: "Who the fuck did your hair?"
 
Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q : What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A : Facing Bloomingdale's.

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
 
The 2012 Darwin Awards

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A Dunkirk , IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54- caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

:devil:
 
Safe Sex


Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
 
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'.


Joan Rivers
 
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