Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

A 40 year old man who had had enough of his life,
decided to go to God and ask him for a new life.
On his way he met a dry tree and asked him:

“How is Life?”

The tree answered: “It’s terrible, I am drying up and the water isn’t reaching me.”

“I am on my way to God”, answered the man, “I’ll talk to him for you too”.

When he was half way to God, the man met a sad girl sitting by a large house.

“How’s life?” asked the man.

“Disappointing”, she said, “I am sitting here all by myself and no guy is coming around”.

“I am on my way to God”, answered the man, “I’ll talk to him for you too”, promised the man.

Towards the end of his journey the man met a scrawny fox,
Who complained that he had nothing to eat.

The man promised the fox that he would talk about him with God too.

The man came to God and told him of all of his troubles.

God told him: “I am going to change your luck,
but you have to be smart enough to catch it.”
God also gave him a letter for each one of the
poor souls that he met on his way.

The man came to the dry tree and gave him the letter from God,
The tree read the letter and told him:

“God told me that no water is reaching me because
There is a bag full of diamonds stuck between my roots
And between the spring.

Maybe you can help me extricate the bag?”

“I am sorry”, replied the man, "I don’t have any time,
God told me that he is sending me luck
And I have to hurry up and catch it”.

Later on the man met the girl,
He brought her the letter and she told him:

“God wrote me that he will make me and
The first man who agrees to marry me rich and happy.

Maybe you want to be my husband?"

“I am sorry”, answered the man,
“God promised me that he is sending me luck
I have to run and catch it”.

And then the man met the fox and gave him his letter,
The fox read the letter and then grabbed the man by the throat .

A second before he lost consciousness,
the man saw the fox’s letter and it said:

“When the idiot reaches you, eat him”

This presentation is dedicated to all those who knew
How to identify the moment and grabbed it with both hands.

 

[ga400us]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all
heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the
difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

 

[smotherman]

"Divorce"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

 

[ga400us]

*snort*

"Divorce"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

 

[smotherman]

"Jury Duty"

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," rapped the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?"

The man replied: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.

"Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."

 

[smoothdevil]

Classic Jewish One-Liners...

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home."

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water bed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 

[ga400us]

Too funny!

Classic Jewish One-Liners...

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home."

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water bed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 

[ga400us]

WHEN IS THE F WORD @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we re sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

 

[smotherman]

The shit list


Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.



Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!



Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.



Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.



Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!



Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.



Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.



Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.



Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.



The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.



The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Incredible Hulk Shit

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.



The Jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.



The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



The Toxic Gas Shit

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.



Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.



The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.



Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!



The Never Ending Shit

It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.



Ouch That Hurt Shit

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

 

[ga400us]

Welcome to Heaven

A long-time retired, elderly couple were married for over sixty years. Although the man and women were not poor, they were far from being rich. They managed to get comfortably by skimping and watching their pennies.

The elderly man and women were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise since their sixties.

As fate would have it, the couples excellent health didn't help a bit when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed.

Being the good, honest couple, they wound up in Heaven.

When man and woman reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked how much money all this luxury was going to cost.

"How much? Of course, nothing," replied St. Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth."

"Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words."

Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine.



"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried.



"This will amaze you, more than the fact everything is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!'



The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?"

Not unless you actually want to exercise for the fun of it,' was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so."

"Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy yourself."



At this point, the elderly man glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your fucking bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been here fifteen years ago!"

 

[ga400us]

Irish Pride

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call
on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has
just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical
County Clare baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,

"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks

.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?"
"He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

 

[ga400us]

Golf Story (may be a dupe)

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 11:45 pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."

His wife looked him in the eye and said "don't give me that sh*t; you played 36, didn't you?"

 

[ga400us]

Redneck Affirmation
(with apologies to Savage Garden)

I believe the sun should never set upon an outhouse
I believe we place our happiness in other people's knickers
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it is
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote increased masturbation
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe that with Red Man what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been drunk
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other of stoned
I believe you don't know what you've got until the cops come by

I believe you can't control or choose your sexual partner
I believe that beer is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your tits and ass
I believe that family is all of West Virginia
I believe the struggle for ball sack freedom is unreal
I believe the only ones who disagree are damn Yankees

I believe that with Red Man what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been drunk
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other of stoned
I believe you don't know what you've got until the cops come by

I believe forgiveness is the key to your Chevrolet
I believe that wedded bliss requires the need to be undressed
I believe that God is a TV evangelist
I believe in Rebels surviving death into eternity

I believe that with Red Man what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been drunk
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other of stoned
I believe you don't know what you've got until the cops come by

 

[smoothdevil]

Humor for smart people


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners.


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) amen!!!

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 

[ga400us]

Useless Knowledge

Fashionable ladies of the sixteenth century thought it elegant to allow their pubic hair to grow as lengthy as possible. This way, it could be braided, pomaded, and embellished with bows and ribbons.

And this was a good idea because?

 

[ga400us]

Subject: The difference between men and women

**The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two
men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you
will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came
outwith tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The
agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys
didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to
death with the chair!"

 

[RobLovesMusic]

http://www.picsthatdontsuck.com/img/need-you-on-caturday.jpg

 

[settledseas]

two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled . .'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two 'ho's driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.

 

[ga400us]

Oldie, but a goodie

Actual Dialogue

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
> Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
>
> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
> (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>
> Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
> Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
> Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
> Operator: 'Went away?'
> Caller: 'They disappeared'
> Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
> Caller: 'Nothing.'
> Operator: 'Nothing??'
> Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
> Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
> Caller: 'How do I tell?'
> Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
> Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
> Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
> Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
> Caller: 'I don't know.'
> Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
> the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
> Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
> plugged into the wall..
> Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
> there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
> Caller: 'No.'
> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
> find the other cable.'
> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
> the back of your computer..'
> Caller: 'I can't reach.'
> Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
> Caller: 'No...'
> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
> Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
> Operator: 'Dark?'
> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
> coming in from the window.'
> Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
> Caller: 'I can't..'
> Operator: 'No? Why not?'
> Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
> Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
> licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
> packing stuff that your computer came in?'
> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
> Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
> up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
> the store you bought it from.'
> Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
> Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
> Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
> Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

 

[phantom4533]

This is something to ponder

http://www.youtube.com/embed/KV-RqPtT2PU

 

[smoothdevil]

Socially unacceptable humor



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

 

[philos]

Sounds like someone's last words

 

[smotherman]

Waiting in line

With his wife sick in bed, a man did the weekly supermarket shopping. By the time he reached the checkout, his cart was overflowing. Behind him in the line was a little old lady with just a loaf of bread and some butter.


He turned to her and said: "Is that all you have dear?"


Her face lit up. "Yes, it is."


"Well," he said, "if I were you I'd have a seat because I'm gonna be a while."

 

[smoothdevil]

Wise Political statements from history:

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics
and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically,
by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan

Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote for the incumbents, It only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer

 

[smotherman]

Cowboy and his Horse


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"