Laughter is Contagious

[pleaz_me]

I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.

..................

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

Now I can say I have an excuse!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

Sixties' Music - Updated for Seniors

Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

Roberta Flack --The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba -- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

 

[techsan]

The following were contributed by dee957 ---

BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING TOO
FAST.

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attack: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME
REASON"

 

[copperbutterfly]

Good Evening Everybody! Something short and sweet?


Dining Out

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness", says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[copperbutterfly]

OMG ... Glad I forgot the flatware!

We had a great tech-nic.....!

 

[copperbutterfly]

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

LMAO!

 

[techsan]

We had a great tech-nic.....!

I just felt so ... chewed up!!!...lol

 

[copperbutterfly]

I just felt so ... chewed up!!!...lol

Licking.....we were licking!

 

[techsan]

Licking.....we were licking!

I knew words failed me!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Another? I think everybody has seen this one...but it's too funny not to repeat!


What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

 

[pleaz_me]

Another? I think everybody has seen this one...but it's too funny not to repeat!


What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

LMAO!!! I sat on edge waiting for the "little johnny" answers!!!!

 

[techsan]

Another? I think everybody has seen this one...but it's too funny not to repeat!


What Starts with F and ends with K

...

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

That's really cute, copper. Of course I missed the same ones the principal did...LMAO

 

[techsan]

The following was contributed by dee957 ~~~

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!! Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.

 

[rozezwild]

ohmigosh...now my side hurts...glad I wasn't drinking when I read these!

I was

 

[rozezwild]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase normally used on a daily basis, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

Oh hell i about choked

 

[rozezwild]

I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

HEY I have that outfit

 

[rozezwild]

Good Evening Everybody! Something short and sweet?


Dining Out

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness", says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

OMG that was great

 

[rozezwild]

Another? I think everybody has seen this one...but it's too funny not to repeat!


What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Oh hell i think i need to go back to school

 

[rozezwild]

The following was contributed by dee957 ~~~

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!! Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.

You are bad very very very bad Techie

 

[techsan]

Contributed by dee957 ---

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."

 

[techsan]

You are bad very very very bad Techie

Oh, I just posted it. dee957 came up with it....course I thought it was good!!!

 

[rozezwild]

Contributed by dee957 ---

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hell-- you would make a stab at MY pepsi

 

[rozezwild]

Oh, I just posted it. dee957 came up with it....course I thought it was good!!!

it was very very good

 

[techsan]

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hell-- you would make a stab at MY pepsi

My daughter is as much a dyed-in-the-wool Mountain Dew drinker as you are for Pepsi. I wonder what she thought of Mount & Do...?!? I'm a little afraid to ask.

 

[pleaz_me]

The following was contributed by dee957 ~~~

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
.....
This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.

I didn't think anyone was looking!!!!!!