ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Drinking and Driving
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and
driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
Wickenburg Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and
driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
Wickenburg Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran into Newt Gingrich out eating one night. Biden asked, "Newt, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Gingrich answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Newt Gingrich!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE …
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran into Newt Gingrich out eating one night. Biden asked, "Newt, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Gingrich answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Newt Gingrich!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE …
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The Obedient Wife'
There was a man, who had worked all his life,
had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
’When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.’
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart,
that when he died, she would put all of the money into the
casket with him.
Well, he died. L
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - demurely dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the
undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
‘Wait just a moment!’
She had a small metal box with her;
she came over with the box and placed it forlornly in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
‘Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put
all that money in there with your husband.’
The loyal wife replied,
‘Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put
that money into the casket with him.’
‘You mean to tell me you put all that money
in the casket with him!?!?!?’
’I sure did,’ said the wife..
‘I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.’
There was a man, who had worked all his life,
had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...
’When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.’
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart,
that when he died, she would put all of the money into the
casket with him.
Well, he died. L
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - demurely dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the
undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
‘Wait just a moment!’
She had a small metal box with her;
she came over with the box and placed it forlornly in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said,
‘Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put
all that money in there with your husband.’
The loyal wife replied,
‘Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put
that money into the casket with him.’
‘You mean to tell me you put all that money
in the casket with him!?!?!?’
’I sure did,’ said the wife..
‘I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.’
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Car Keys
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Yep, it's the golden years.
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
Yep, it's the golden years.
g0h0gs
chillin on a dirt road
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2006
- Posts
- 2,980
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
smotherman
Ass-phyxiation
- Joined
- May 7, 2005
- Posts
- 37,182
A Bank Robbery
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
*
Passenger: 'Who?'
*
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time.'
*
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
*
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a compute. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
*
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
*
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure
up to Frank Feldman.
*
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
*
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fucking wife."
*
Passenger: 'Who?'
*
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time.'
*
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
*
Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a compute. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
*
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.
*
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure
up to Frank Feldman.
*
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
*
Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fucking wife."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband* to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband* to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:* ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. This could prove to be useful in the future...
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:* ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. This could prove to be useful in the future...
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A Senior’s Driver's License
A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
“My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes” she replied,” I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.”
”You won’t be needing this anymore,” he said.
"So I thanked him and left.”
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OUR SENIORS...
A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.
“My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes” she replied,” I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.”
”You won’t be needing this anymore,” he said.
"So I thanked him and left.”
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OUR SENIORS...
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
The Amish Elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Two Nuns Were Shopping At A 7-11 Store. As They Passed By The Beer Cooler, One Nun Said To The Other, “wouldn’t A Nice Cool Beer Or Two Taste Wonderful On A Hot Summer Evening?" The Second Nun Answered, "indeed It Would, Sister, But I Would Not Feel Comfortable Buying Beer, Since I Am Certain It Would Cause A Scene At The Checkout Stand."
"i Can Handle That Without A Problem" The Other Nun Replied, And She Picked Up A Six-pack And Headed For The Check-out.
The Cashier Had A Surprised Look On His Face When The Two Nuns Arrived With A Six-pack Of Beer. "we Use Beer For Washing Our Hair" The Nun Said, "back At Our Nunnery, We Call It Catholic Shampoo.
Without Blinking An Eye, The Cashier Reached Under The Counter. Pulled Out A Package Of Pretzel Sticks, And Placed Them In The Bag With The Beer. He Then Looked The Nun Straight In The Eye, Smiled, And Said: "the Curlers Are On The House."
"i Can Handle That Without A Problem" The Other Nun Replied, And She Picked Up A Six-pack And Headed For The Check-out.
The Cashier Had A Surprised Look On His Face When The Two Nuns Arrived With A Six-pack Of Beer. "we Use Beer For Washing Our Hair" The Nun Said, "back At Our Nunnery, We Call It Catholic Shampoo.
Without Blinking An Eye, The Cashier Reached Under The Counter. Pulled Out A Package Of Pretzel Sticks, And Placed Them In The Bag With The Beer. He Then Looked The Nun Straight In The Eye, Smiled, And Said: "the Curlers Are On The House."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Alerts To Threats In 2012 Europe
By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ranout. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A BloodyNuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threatthey are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.~
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -"Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. The Crusades are about to begin, again."
By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ranout. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A BloodyNuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threatthey are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.~
John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -"Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. The Crusades are about to begin, again."
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can
track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can
track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
phantom4533
eh … fuck it.
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2010
- Posts
- 9,989
That was awesome!! Nice job!!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
I can only take credit for the posting of it, but I agree, it was brilliant!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Southerners have a way with words!
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkeypoop"
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkeypoop"
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Food for thought
I want my dying words to be
"I left the twenty million dollars hidden in the........."
I want my dying words to be
"I left the twenty million dollars hidden in the........."
smotherman
Ass-phyxiation
- Joined
- May 7, 2005
- Posts
- 37,182
Priceless! LOL
Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
- Status
