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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Laughter is Contagious V2

Three pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything -noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.

The second pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
 
After sex with my partner last night she snuggled up and confessed that I was by far "the biggest she'd ever had."

Apparently "ditto" is not the right response.
 
When I was in High School I had some interesting girl friends. My first girlfriend was a skinny girl named Anny Rexia, but she broke up with me and ended up marrying Bill Emia, but she kept her maiden name.

Then I dated Sal Manilla but I hated her cooking. She is now imprisoned at Tutwiller Woman's Correctional Facility for poisoning several people in Alabama.

Then I met a foreign Exchange student named Nymph O'Maynia. I didn't think I had a chance since she was dating the entire football team, but she said that she couldn't wait to fit me in. On our first date she took me to an all you can eat bed and breakfast. We were off and on for the entire school year, but she had to return to Ireland.

After dating her I spent the next six months dating Penny Sillan.
 
A woman goes to her Dr. complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the tests show nothing he asks how often she has intercourse. "

Every Monday, Wednesday & Saturday," she says.

He advises her to cut out Wednesday. “I can’t.“ says the woman "that’s the only night I’m home with my husband. “
 
It's the final round of the $64,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan. The question is, finish the following song title and spell the answer. " Old Macdonald had a ____".

The Englishman goes 1st and says "estate" "e-s-t-a-t-e".

The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling." Meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself.

The Texan goes next and answers " Ranch", "r-a-n-c-h".

The announcer says, "sorry wrong answer but right spelling" The Arkansan is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams.

The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says "for $64,000 what is the answer".

The Arkansan answers "farm, e-i-e-i-o."
 
I'm bumping this (before I perform Cinderella duties) because it contains some real gems:heart:
 
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends, when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"

Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"
 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
 
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the boy....

"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?"

"No, coach.”

"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!
 
an oldie...


I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
 
A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,

but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says,

"heh you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father took a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "we had him circumcised."
 
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!"

"Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?"

"Six," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"

"I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay."

"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any children?"

"Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky."
 
TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers,
therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO.........

TRY SAYING Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF No fucking way!

TRY SAYING Really?
INSTEAD OF You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING Perhaps you should check with.....
INSTEAD OF Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING I wasn't involved with the project.
INSTEAD OF It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF What the fuck?!!???!

TRY SAYING I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it...it won't work.

TRY SAYING I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

TRY SAYING So, you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF This job sucks.

TRY SAYING You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING I see.
INSTEAD OF Blow me.

TRY SAYING Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
 
Maria is a devout Catholic:

She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies.
She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her second husband.

Maria dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband ?"

The priest says, " I mean her legs."
 
Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my five-year-old son," the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. The little fook has got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."

"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"No it's not," said Dave. "The sneak went and stuck a pin in all my condoms."
 
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