Last Line... Looking for advice.

[Fflow]

I wrote a poem and shared it with a friend who I respect.

She said that the last line was superfluous, that it was implied by previous lines, and not necessary. It didn't appeal to her.

For me, the entire poem in somewhat introspective, with the last line as a bit of a turn around, a realization that one does not have to labor alone, that we can share our challenges and, in doing so, bring joy into the world.

This is all rather murky, actually, as the poem is very abstract and not at all literal.

Anyway, I just was curious what folks here thought about the poem in general, and the last line specifically. Please feel free to be open and honest with your constructive cricicism.

Diction Pictures
by fflow


Things slip away.
Obeying laws of
cause and affectation,
diction pictures words
as sounds.

Hounds bay at lunatics.
Sticks and bones
fillet my stones.
Millet and rye
make me cry.

Ground beneath my feet,
a swaying beat
repeats
repeats
depletes me of my
funky mood.

Shall we dance?

 

[FifthFlower]

Diction Pictures
by fflow


Things slip away.
Obeying laws of
cause and affectation,
diction pictures words
as sounds.

Hounds bay at lunatics.
Sticks and bones
fillet my stones.
Millet and rye
make me cry.

Ground beneath my feet,
a swaying beat
repeats
repeats
depletes me of my
funky mood.

Shall we dance?

I liked how the clarity of the last line contrasted with the confusion of the lines preceding it and the way the rhymes popped up unexpectedly. Interesting technique.

 

[LeBroz]

Diction Pictures
by fflow


Things slip away.
Obeying laws of
cause and affectation,..........Scene at bar / band playing
diction pictures words
as sounds.

Hounds bay at lunatics.
Sticks and bones
fillet my stones.....................Soaking in the scene while drinking
Millet and rye
make me cry.

Ground beneath my feet,
a swaying beat
repeats................................The scene's permeating your mind
repeats
depletes me of my
funky mood.

Shall we dance?......................Final reaction

The way I'm reacting to this are that the first three strophes are internalized reactions/feelings that show the internalized processes as they culminate in the final line, an externalized reaction. So while it may be implied, it does make for a good contrast in moods/processes. But that's just my rather subjective reaction.

.
.

 

[annaswirls]

the last line is definitely necessary

to me, it read as a person kind of stumbling over what to say, not in a non-sensensical way.... just in (as you say) an abstract kind of nervous flow... and the end came the real message. be with me. dance. make sense of things by living it

enjoyed

I wrote a poem and shared it with a friend who I respect.

She said that the last line was superfluous, that it was implied by previous lines, and not necessary. It didn't appeal to her.

For me, the entire poem in somewhat introspective, with the last line as a bit of a turn around, a realization that one does not have to labor alone, that we can share our challenges and, in doing so, bring joy into the world.

This is all rather murky, actually, as the poem is very abstract and not at all literal.

Anyway, I just was curious what folks here thought about the poem in general, and the last line specifically. Please feel free to be open and honest with your constructive cricicism.

Diction Pictures
by fflow


Things slip away.
Obeying laws of
cause and affectation,
diction pictures words
as sounds.

Hounds bay at lunatics.
Sticks and bones
fillet my stones.
Millet and rye
make me cry.

Ground beneath my feet,
a swaying beat
repeats
repeats
depletes me of my
funky mood.

Shall we dance?

 

[OT]

oddly good.
i liked the last line.

 

[Fflow]

Thanks so much for the kind words and for sharing your thoughts and feelings about the poem.

I'm still open to any other feedback, though.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Anyway, I just was curious what folks here thought about the poem in general, [...]

It's an obvious bluff to me.

Regards,

 

[RoniB]

Preaching to the choir

shadow

 

[annaswirls]

I also, vaingloriously or no, am not afraid to throw words into the fray of a poem which I am confident that many readers may not be familiar with. If someone won’t go to a dictionary** to “get” my piece, then I feel for them.

What exactly do you feel for them?

I rarely have time to read through a bunch of poetry (lord knows there is always an ample supply out there, one could do nothing else if he so chose) let alone pull up the old dictionary unless it is very compelling. Lazy? Nope. Just a matter of priorities. I have a zillion things to do and learn, and usually can get the jist of a poem without looking up every obscure word. I do not think a poet should expect a reader to have a dictionary at hand to decipher their poem (and I know you did not say that, I am just expanding on the thought)



Edited to add:
I just read (quickly) through most of your poetry here at lit, many interesting pieces, actually.... but I was not stopped by any of the words you chose to use, so perhaps I overreacted to your "feeling" for the reader who does not grab a dictionary to understand your poems.... you do not seem to be the kind of writer who throws in words, probably using a thesaurus to get above their own vocabulary simply to look wise. That kind of thing makes me crazy

And I’m not ashamed to admit (I should be ashamed, I know) that I had to look up “millet” here.

Do I need to know why millet and rye make you cry? No. Do I want to know? Yes. Should I know? Probably. Answer: because you’re not dancing yet, yes? Maybe.

no need to be ashamed, you could have guessed it was something that went along with rye... and why do "millet and rye make you cry?" I don't think they literally do, unless I am missing some deeper intended meaning. It to me, seemed like a play on an old familiar saying like "sticks and stones" Wheat and rye make me cry would have been too familiar, and people would have wound up, in their minds, at a deli or a corner bakery. You are right, since millet is more obscure, it allows the line to have a more abstract feel which it needs.


This might sound ridiculous, but in my opinion, some times the word and the meaning are not important at all. The writer gets into a zone and throws it out. If they are deep enough into the zone (not an easy place to get to) the words will be heavy with the (I wince using the word) "essence" of where they are coming from, and hopefully take the reader there too, or at least someplace interesting.

“Shall we dance?” In this case we MUST dance.

It’s a pretty strong piece I think, nice work.

** dictionary, or the Bible, or the Karan, or Shakespeare, or Yeats, or a rock&roll record et al: obscure words (if used for the right reason) and allusions can bring whole new layers to the work. OK, i guess "millet" isn't obscure, but i hope my meaning is clur.LOL

 

[RoniB]

shadow

 

[Fflow]

Wow, so much food for thought!

Truthfully, I'm a bit surprised that 'millet' would be a mystery word. I guess that, because I cook often, am familiar with many different kinds of grains, or perhaps because I've seen the Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch one too many times, I just didn't imagine that it would be obscure. Sorry!

Now, to answer the 'Why', I'll do my best to tease the meanings out for you. In the stanza where I write "Millet and rye make me cry," I don't explain why. In the beginning of the next one, however, I do. Imagine a millstone powered by human beings, walking, and turning it. The millstone grinds the grains. One could almost say they're metaphorically "ground beneath my feet". The rhythm of the walking becomes a beat that repeats.

I've really no idea what Senna Jawa's bluff reference means...

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing everything!

xoxo

srw