Last call

[Crackedcolumn]

So here is a fun fact… I have a surprise day off… I wasn’t planning on it… its just so unexpected. I mean do I get drunk and pass out by noon? Mow the lawn, prep for the rest of the week? Maybe fix the door that has been sticking for 6months? Go to the grocery store to buy human food?
And the award for most dramatic day off goes too….cracked column… (This is his first win for dramatic day off, but he as always publicly wanted the random bastard award, but not even so much as a nomination)
Anyway… I believe we both know each other well enough to know which course I’m going to take… have already taken… I men they deliver groceries now… I’ve got enough oatmeal to make it until they arrive. Its fine
Now
Having thoroughly vetted the Daddy issue thing… I’ve got to say…… I need therapy.
Incidentally the mommy fetish also came up… not from me… look I’m a grown ass man, who happens to be broken as fuck….. it’s like trying to find replacement parts for a Model A Ford, not going to happen.
Incidentally… a very old neighbor of mine gave me twenty buck the other day and told me a story about the time he drove from here to Mexico standing on the running board of a Model A. Got pissed ended up in an establishment that contained (ladies of ill repute)…. Said it was a best thing that could happen to a young man……..ummmmm they serve tequila down there…. I don’t drink tequila……. If he wants me to have an adventure send me to IRELAND, or even better Ukraine… I think I would do well in Ukraine… except I can’t speak the language and I don’t enjoy vodka.

UMmmmmm… this spiraled…. Lets start over shall we..
I’m crackedcolumn, and I’m back.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

evidently I need to expand my inbox and the only wat is to post more... *sigh, Fund yall asked for it.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

and by asked for it I mean.. yall didn't, at.all.

but that is besides the point. so story time..... gather round kids, it is times for outlandish tales.

Once upon a time there as a dude chilling in his office "working" (in this context working means he was totally watching the office on Netflix)

lady with a *karen* hairdo wants to speak with person in charge.... to my great misfortune, that was me.

Karen: I demand that I be refunded the $ my husband spent on me the last time I was here, because he spent to much.

M: nope, thanks for stopping in we appreciate your feedback

Karen:...……

Karen: I'll sue.

M: go ahead, he signed the recipt. so he understood what he was spending on your bony ass.

Karen:......

 

[Crackedcolumn]

crazy

fgreatest story every told was the time a buddy came to visit while I was working at IHOP. 2am bars are closed and my buddy wants pancakes... I will totally hook him up and he knows it.

parks his semi drunk ass and starts to walk in. 4 dumb HS students pull a knife on him and demand his cash.... he doesn't have any cash because he is also a college student. they start to tussel my buddy slams dumb ass with kife into his trunk and kid drops knife and most of what's in his pockets...including a pack a malboro's (its the early 90's).

buddy picks up the pack and rest of conscious homeboys protest.... he says and I fucking quote "Spoils of war bitches" walks in and I give him a plate of pancakes... because that night he was the fucking king.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

so pretty sure I once gave a stripper a cnote… how you ask well, gather round

I as in Austria... there was a club called Viagra... yes I know but still... anyway they gave me free drinks because I guess they thought I was loaded. I was but not in the way they thought... fast forward to what I remember...

next morning wake up buddies wouldn't look me in the eye and I was a cnote short.... pretty sure I know where it went... but the details escape me. also why wouldn't my friends look me in the eye? WTF did I do? 20yrs later these questions still haunt me.

 

[Crackedcolumn]

true story. one time i was invited to a "red light" party. I admit now that I didn't know what that ment I just heard party.

turns out it ment there were a lot of free use people strapped down. my 19yr old rain did not know howto handle that shit.