Texan
'nuf said
- Joined
- May 31, 2001
- Posts
- 2,146
This is a joke... this is only a joke.... if this had been a real assault on liberals, it would be my original thoughts, not a C&P from an email I received today. If this has been posted before, I appologize in advance.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
February 19, 2002
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to
be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program,
or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has
been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to
your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call
him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals
that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these
should "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he
uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your
yard) - but look on the bright side... no increase in the toilet paper bill!
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that
it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help
with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of
body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does
not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely
violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described
as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test
came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer
counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property. However,
he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available
for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he
absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted,
but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think
this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to
interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise
in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do
your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize
your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal
laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're
really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That
is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member
of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be
watching.
Cordially,
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
February 19, 2002
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to
be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program,
or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has
been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to
your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call
him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals
that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these
should "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he
uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your
yard) - but look on the bright side... no increase in the toilet paper bill!
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that
it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help
with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of
body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does
not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely
violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described
as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test
came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer
counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property. However,
he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available
for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he
absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted,
but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you,
who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think
this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to
interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise
in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do
your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize
your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal
laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're
really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That
is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member
of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be
watching.
Cordially,
George W. Bush
