Language for a Sub communicating with Dom

[pyaasi4myDom]

Hi everyone!

I am Pyaasi. I am very new to bdsm and am in a very new relationship(one month approx). It is an online relationship over differing time zones so it has its limitations! My question is for fellow subs. I would like to know the language and etiquette to use when communicating with my Dom. So far I seem to please him more often than make him angry but yes he has mentioned that my language needs work. Specially if I am unable to carry out a task. Most communication happens over texts and emails and when time Gods allow we talk. My Dom says he does not like to hear a flat out “no i cannot do it” from me. He wants me to phrase it as a request behooving a sub talking to her Dom.

A few words on my Dom: He is very caring, loving and generous. His punishments so far are more pleasure than pain and He has assured me that anything and everything is negotiable to a point. He has been training me but given the tine zones we are always short of time. So any help with the language would be much appreciated!

Thank you
Pyaasi: Owned by Sir ‘S’.​

 

[TheBrat42]

Hi everyone!

I am Pyaasi. I am very new to bdsm and am in a very new relationship(one month approx). It is an online relationship over differing time zones so it has its limitations! My question is for fellow subs. I would like to know the language and etiquette to use when communicating with my Dom. So far I seem to please him more often than make him angry but yes he has mentioned that my language needs work. Specially if I am unable to carry out a task. Most communication happens over texts and emails and when time Gods allow we talk. My Dom says he does not like to hear a flat out “no i cannot do it” from me. He wants me to phrase it as a request behooving a sub talking to her Dom.

A few words on my Dom: He is very caring, loving and generous. His punishments so far are more pleasure than pain and He has assured me that anything and everything is negotiable to a point. He has been training me but given the tine zones we are always short of time. So any help with the language would be much appreciated!

Thank you
Pyaasi: Owned by Sir ‘S’.​

Pyaasi, this isn’t an easy answer as I find that each Dom is a little different. But I have curiosities. Have you and your Sir discussed your hard and soft limits? Is what he asking within these limits? For me and my Dom I haven’t said the word no outright. However when he wanted to introduce something that scared me or pushed on a limit I told him my reservations about it. We have had many conversations over why I am worried, scared, or have reservations. The discussion helps us both to figure out of it is in my head or if we can work around it. Communication is key. Maybe instead of just a no explain why. I hope this helps!

 

[pyaasi4myDom]

Thank you TheBrat42!

Yes i have limits and we have discussed them. He has assured me that anything that disgusts me or which turns me off completely is out of question( apparently he doesnt have many hard limits himself!). We are taking baby steps in bdsm together and he discusses and guides me.
I have kept an open mind so far and that seems to help. Since im new to actually talking as a sub i revert back to my normal language which obviously is very to the point. The “no” comes first nd then the explanation. He wants me to phrase it more as a request to reconsider the command. And well when i am talking to him nd he throws an out of the blue task at me (he likes to test me!) i simply answer in negative. He wants to train me to keep my cool and talk as his sub instead of answering bluntly. I realize my mistake after i have made it! He still has not punished me enuf for my disobedience for which im thankful to him. Hence if i had some idea of default statements i cud use to remember that would atleast keep me from angering or annoying him.

Thank you
With kind regards
Pyaasi: Owned by Sir ‘S’

 

[midlifecrisispanties]

Thank you TheBrat42!

Yes i have limits and we have discussed them. He has assured me that anything that disgusts me or which turns me off completely is out of question( apparently he doesnt have many hard limits himself!). We are taking baby steps in bdsm together and he discusses and guides me.
I have kept an open mind so far and that seems to help. Since im new to actually talking as a sub i revert back to my normal language which obviously is very to the point. The “no” comes first nd then the explanation. He wants me to phrase it more as a request to reconsider the command. And well when i am talking to him nd he throws an out of the blue task at me (he likes to test me!) i simply answer in negative. He wants to train me to keep my cool and talk as his sub instead of answering bluntly. I realize my mistake after i have made it! He still has not punished me enuf for my disobedience for which im thankful to him. Hence if i had some idea of default statements i cud use to remember that would atleast keep me from angering or annoying him.

Thank you
With kind regards
Pyaasi: Owned by Sir ‘S’

Well, you could approach him with a request for safewords and break phrases. Such as, my Mistress has three levels:

(1) Do you want more?
(Yes, Ma'am, or break please.)

(2) Have you had enough?
(Yes ma'am or More please!)

(3) Panic phrase for when its too much or a limit is reached: (Ours is Mercy, please!)

Reasonable Doms do not mind open discussion about such requests. Know your own limits and politely ask him to help you keep from "sinking too far and forgetting safety."

If you phrase it that way, I'm sure he'll agree to at least giving you out words and stop phrases. Ask him if there are words he would prefer you use. Make them his idea and stick to them.

Doms of both genders like when you are honest, but ask permission for such things rather than making demands.

That's my two cents worth, anyway.

 

[Acktion]

Heyla, pyassi. Welcome to the net.

First, let me apologize for horning in when you clearly stated that you wished to hear from submissives as I am anything but. However, I think I may can help shed a little light on a few things. (Or, if I don't, can give a few more talking points for if a few miserable little subbies may tentatively step out of the shadows.)

There is an inherent trap in discussing such things as just because He is a Dom of some stripe and I am a Dom of some stripe we do not necessarily share the same proclivities. For example, He may have a thing for orgasm denial whereas I prefer forced orgasms, as many as I can wring from her.

And the same goes when it comes down to communication. Personally, while I prefer a woman who is submissive to me outside of the bedroom as well as within, I categorically have no interest in a woman who is a doormat or a windsock (points whichever way the wind blows). Even in our communications, I prefer for my sweet little spice to be a tad on the bratty side sometimes rather than completely sublimate her personality and her beautiful, intelligent mind in deference to me and will provoke her into such behaviors if I feel that she is becoming... mmm... too lazy and complacent in her submission.

In the specific instance you mention...

"No" can have certain connotations of "you can fuck right off" depending on the tone it is said in. Even "no, sir" can come across that way if it's done right (as I have proved with numerous supervisors that shouldn't have been in charge of a worm wrestle over the years).

That is when the words are spoken. Most of us rely much, much more on non-verbal communication to get our point across than we do on the words. This can become problematic in a long-distance relationship that is primarily textual based as the naked word is all we have to communicate with.

Again, I have little to vanishingly small interest in shepherding a doormat myself. But, I do know a bit about how the game is played.

There is a reason that the military uses the formulaic response "Sir, no sir" or "Sir, yes sir." (Now, I don't suggest you bark it at Him as, more often than not, that will not go the way you would think.) But, the reiteration of "Sir" or whatever label, title, or rank reiterates that the focus is on the person that you are speaking to. Both for the speaker and the listener.

And, it does not just work one way. As something on the capitalized side of the slash-mark, I do and have used the same technique as an attention focus and to reiterate that while I am her Sir/Master/Daddy/Mentor/PYL, I do still find value in her and respect her.

In the specific question that you ask, it is about finding a respectful way to avoid a task that you can not do.

Again, different strokes for different folks. I tend to prefer more... mmm... proactive submission which would drive most Dominants insane. I tend to prefer my sexy little submissive to show that she has a mind and can come up with ways to please me rather than waiting like an automaton for me to input commands ALL the time. If I wanted a blow-up fuck-doll, they make pretty life-like ones these days.

Ergo, in the rare circumstance that I ask (in gradually rarer ignorance [six and a half months strong]) my sweet little spice for something that she can not do for some reason, she does not tell me "no," but rather offers up an alternative as similar as she can devise.

Note that this may be contraindicated if both of Y/you prefer the approach that has to be ordered off the porch rather than one that has to be kept on a leash.

By the same token, in the past, I have been entangled with a smattering of supposed submissives that every fucking thing was a constant renegotiation. Uh, no. If everything I come up with is "Sir, may I do this for you instead, Sir?" Then, I don't know what you are, but you aren't submissive. Or, rather, not My submissive. And I will wander off in search of a filly that isn't insisting she needs to be broken but is interested in a partnership.

This, in my opinion, is where it is imperative that both sides of the Dynamick know and understand the hard needs, soft needs, soft limits, and hard limits of the other. IF the Dominant of the pair (or however many are involved) has a hard need that is a hard limit for the sub, then it is never going to work as it should.

And, I seem to be going off on a tangent again. I'm really trying not to do that so much.

Back to the topic at hand...

Much is going to depend on your specific relationship, what both of you have and hold. But, reiterating title, label, or name (if "allowed") of the person you are speaking with shows a focus on said person, and translates into a respect for them.

Monosyllabic words are going to come across as terse. Terse is going to translate as disrespectful.

Using the example you cited; "no, I can not do it."

Each word is one syllable. Terse. Abrupt. Standing on the brakes. Full stop.

As opposed to, "Sir, I don't feel that I currently (if it is a time issue) fulfill that request. May I instead serve You by ___insert alternative here___, Sir?"

The reiteration of His title could emphasize your focus on Him (for both of you), the word choices have more syllables which could emphasize that you are not refusing Him so much as you have an issue with this thing, and offering up the alternative will reiterate your determination to serve Him, to please Him (again, so long as everything isn't a renegotiation).

Here, I will reiterate that my relationship with my sweet little spice is not anyone elses relationship with their Dom(me)/sub and so anything I say should be filtered through the lens of "what the fuck works for Y/you in y'alls relationship."

But, I think that so long as you feel respect and make an effort to try to convey that respect (even in refusal), that you will find your path.

However, one last thing that is near and dear to this battered old Dom's scarred heart, NEVER sacrifice clarity for the sake of appeasement.

But, maybe that's just my own personal foible as I've seen too many interactions that resulted in a perception of gaming because communications were obfuscated behind pretty words and flowery phrases to the point that all meaning was undermined.

Any road, I should shut the hell up and let someone else (with hopefully more acumen) to approach the topic.

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you TheBrat42!

Yes i have limits and we have discussed them. He has assured me that anything that disgusts me or which turns me off completely is out of question( apparently he doesnt have many hard limits himself!). We are taking baby steps in bdsm together and he discusses and guides me.
I have kept an open mind so far and that seems to help. Since im new to actually talking as a sub i revert back to my normal language which obviously is very to the point. The “no” comes first nd then the explanation. He wants me to phrase it more as a request to reconsider the command. And well when i am talking to him nd he throws an out of the blue task at me (he likes to test me!) i simply answer in negative. He wants to train me to keep my cool and talk as his sub instead of answering bluntly. I realize my mistake after i have made it! He still has not punished me enuf for my disobedience for which im thankful to him. Hence if i had some idea of default statements i cud use to remember that would atleast keep me from angering or annoying him.

Thank you
With kind regards
Pyaasi: Owned by Sir ‘S’

A couple of thoughts; In the highlighted part of what you said above;

1) You're habit of responding too quickly. As you said, you revert back to normal language. This is a habit you can break in a number of ways. One would be to form a new habit of first repeating the command back. You can do this in whatever unique words of respect you guys are developing. But the point is; As you slow down your response, you are giving yourself time to calm down and think. It may end up a; "no please". But there's a good chance it may end up in; "maybe but I'm afraid", etc. It's the instant rejection that is getting him frustrated I think.

2) I'm sure you're already doing this to some extent. But it seems to me that this issue should be resolved between you and your D. Ask for his help in teaching you. That alone is a submissive act he should cherish. D/s is not all in the bedroom or racy games.

 

[AnnieLit]

Hence if i had some idea of default statements i cud use to remember that would atleast keep me from angering or annoying him.

How about "May I think about it, Sir?"

The tasks that you had to say "no" to, were they for something that needed to be done immediately while you were still talking, or was it something with a longer time frame? If it was something that he wanted you to do on your own and then report to him, then request for time to think, if granted, will give you a chance to come up either with a way you can actually do it, or with some modified version that you can offer instead.

In short, neither Doms, nor you bosses at work like to hear a flat out "no", but they are usually OK with "Sir, this will not work because [...]. But how about I do this instead?" But to formulate the alternative you need time, so just ask for it.

He will pretty soon figure out that your requests are a hidden "no", but hopefully he will always be curious about what substitution you'll manage to come up with.