Laments and Wishes of the Odd Man Out.

[Odd_Man_Out]

Ok, first off.......the general questions.

*What you hope to get out of your time at lit (please include level of critique you are looking for)

I hope that in posting these works of mine from the last two years [most of them anyway] I can get some good feedback either in the positive or negative. I dont mind the generic comments, but if you're going to make them, at least tell me which poem you're talking about and give something specific that you liked about it [could be wording, flow, emotional attachment, etc....].

If you could, I would appriciate it immensily if you would write a sentance or two about how you're feeling as you read it [not like analyzing the poem] as I'm trying to make people feel the emotion expressed in to poem.



*What do you hope to contribute to the poetry community at literotica? What role do you see yourself playing here?

I hope to help people make their works better and offer my advice to those who would best appear to benefit from it. I would also like to learn from many of the other users on here about and how to write many different kinds of poems so I can add a wide variety to my poems so that people who many not like the style in which i tend to write can also be affected by what I write.



*How would you describe your writing?

My writing is intended to reach out to the person reading and actually make them feel the emotions of the author, almost as if the poem was describing a part of their life. A lot of my works are what people call "negative emotions" [sadness, depression, anger, worthlessness, etc.....] but I have a few happier ones as well which convey a message of hope and joy. Mainly I write with whatever emotion i'm overwhelmed with when i decide to write a poem; but unlike a lot of people I can also create a poem realitivly quickly if given a topic [i work best with emotional topics] and a little time.



If there's anything else that you wish to contact me about or ask, feel free to PM me.




Thanks a ton for taking the time to help a fellow poet inprove and learn, you're efforts will not be in vain, nor will they ever go unappriciated.

---Ryan

 

[Odd_Man_Out]

Two Poems as a warm up.

First poem I ever wrote:

Whole Again

So many a day I've wandered alone
Feeling lost not far from home
All those memories from that time
Force me to pay for my unknown crime
Since that day I've never been the same
But people don't see the change
Years apart may break our bond
Or extend it into the worlds beyond
As the sun sets and another day ends
I can be found just wondering alone pondering
Will I ever be whole again?​

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Love.........ain't it a bitch?

One More Hit

Does anything feel better than Love?
Can any compare to the passion?
Two people, united as one
Never hoping to see the end

Each split punches a hole in ones heart
As they look for someone else to heal
Each one feels right, feels true
Nights spent wishing they are the one

Those in love dread two words
While three rocket them into space
Each phrase affects both differently
One warms the heart, which stays and soars
The other chills it, making yet another hole

Like a drug the heart craves more
Once the end is reached
It begins it's search for love
Not caring from where it comes

Again and again it breaks, yet never learns
Caution grows, but doesn't prevent
The addiction grows the longer it's left unfed
Soon it feels like blood
Vital to existance

No love left
Emotions astir
Your heart begs and pleads
No matter what the risks
No matter what the cost
With desprite words
It asks for One More Hit.​

 

[wildsweetone]

Two Poems as a warm up.

First poem I ever wrote:

Whole Again

So many a day i've wandered alone
Feeling lost not far from home
All those memories from that time
Force me 2 pay for my unknown crime
Since that day i've never been the same
But people don't see the change
Years apart may break our bond
Or extend it into the worlds beyond
As the sun sets and another day ends
I can be found just wondering alone pondering
Will i ever be whole again?​

________________________________________________________________________________________________
Love.........ain't it a bitch?

some quick thoughts from me ---

did you purposely choose a capital letter for the beginning of each line?

the use of 'i' and '2' within the poem is a little distracting. will the poem lose any meaning from capitalising the I and writing out 2 as to?

can you add in some concrete imagery that my mind can grasp?

hope those help for starters

 

[Odd_Man_Out]

some quick thoughts from me ---

did you purposely choose a capital letter for the beginning of each line?

the use of 'i' and '2' within the poem is a little distracting. will the poem lose any meaning from capitalising the I and writing out 2 as to?

can you add in some concrete imagery that my mind can grasp?

hope those help for starters

Yes, I like each line to begin a new though or feeling or and a new layer to the overall stanza [most of my works are broken up]. I will rarely use a second line in my poems and usually go so far as to find a better way to express the same thought in shorter words to aviod the wrap-around.

No....I was a highschool freshman at the time I wrote this as part of my poetry project for english so I either didnt see it or didnt care....thanks for pointing that out [i'll be sure to change that]

Now that I've written 40 some-old poems I think i might re-work some of my older works to see if I can add some imagery to them. Mainly however, I tend to work less on the imagery and focus more on the emotional side, appealing more to the heart-strings and feelings of the moment [weither or not my other works have developed imagery i cant quite tell, but It'll be interesting to find out]


I thank you for your time and critique/suggestions

 

[WickedEve]

I thank you for your time and critique/suggestions

You are very polite and very young. Both are good. Politeness will get you more critiques and being young means you have plenty of time to learn about poetry. Yes, your poetry needs work. Look through the threads and check out the challenges, 30 poems in 30 days, writing live, actually any thread and see what poems others are writing and how they're writing them.

 

[Tzara]

...Now that I've written 40 some-old poems I think i might re-work some of my older works to see if I can add some imagery to them. Mainly however, I tend to work less on the imagery and focus more on the emotional side, appealing more to the heart-strings and feelings of the moment...

Hi, OMO, and welcome to the PF&D forum.

I think your comment quoted above summarizes what is not working for me in your poems. Image is one of the main ways how a poet conveys emotion. You've, I'm sure, heard the phrase "show, don't tell" in creative writing class, at least about fiction. The same thing applies to poems. For example, when you say:

So many a day i've wandered alone
Feeling lost not far from home​

you are telling me how you feel—confused, lonely, uncertain. What you don't do is make me feel much about it. I'm not a friend of yours, I'm not your parents, nor am I someone expected to be naturally sympathetic to you—I'm just a reader who doesn't know you. OK, you're sad. Why should I, as a reader, care?

You need to convey to me something about the experience—recreate it for me in a way that I can experience it empathetically or make it vivid enough that I sympathize with it. Saying "I feel alone and lost and sad" gives me information about what you're feeling, but does nothing to generate any emotion about it.

Let me use a short poem by W. B. Yeats as an example of what I mean. This is an early poem by Yeats and happens to be one I quite like, though others here think it maudlin crap, so keep in mind that we all have different opinions about things:

He Reproves the Curlew

O, curlew, cry no more in the air,
Or only to the waters in the West;
Because your crying brings to my mind
Passion-dimmed eyes and long heavy hair
That was shaken out over my breast:
There is enough evil in the crying of wind.​

This is a poem (in my thinking anyway) about sexual longing. Note that Yeats doesn't say "I miss my lover" or "I'm lonely" but rather gives a series of images that evoke that feeling empathetically in the reader: the bird call, the remembered appearance of the lover's eyes and hair, even something about the position of the lovers' bodies. If the poem works (and, as I said, it doesn't for everyone), it is the succession of images that makes it work.

So I would suggest you look at the poem and rethink it in those kind of terms. Rather than tell me you're lost and lonely, think of some way (via active verbs, vivid nouns, metaphor, simile, synecdoche, etc.) that evokes the feeling in me as reader.

And good luck. It's hard work. Anyone who tries to write poetry is always in the process of learning.

 

[Odd_Man_Out]

After reading the comments I've looked through my newer stuff and found what I think are my two of my best works. Hopefully this shall fulfill the wish for imagery.

Darkness, Be Thine Protector

Come my shadow
Symbol of darkness
Protector from the Light
Follow me no longer
Enter me instead
And keep the light away

This dreamer sees only light
His head lost in clouds
So bring him back to reality
To save him from the truth
And preserve his wholesome vision

Be both sword and shield
Cut down the Light
Protect the darkness
Bury the dream forever

I ask simply this
For only you can be trusted
Heed not the pleas nor chimes
That may try to revert the choice
Only this shall keep hope still
In the case of this poor dreamer
Darkness....be thine protector
​

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Personal Hell


Where is Hell?
It's here on earth
Trapped inside my body
Destroying my life
Killing every joy I have

When did I find this out?
Not but days ago
When my world collapsed
And Heaven's light rained down ashes
Covering everything I thought true
Turning the lush lands into barren wastes

Promises old and new destroyed
Gone as if they never occured
A figure covered in only shadows
Makes his way inside to await the future
The house he enters is veiled in black
Allowing no light to enter it's hallowed halls

The joys of life now hang limp
Drained of all energy
Void of feeling
Allowing the darkness within to overcome them
A song that used to bring joy and happiness
Now only feeds the darkness within

Doubt rises as esteem drops
Reaching new levels of each
A broken heart
Not sure where to next go
Fearing it's next break
Not knowing if next time will be the last

Now do you see?
I've found hell
It resides in me
It's my own personal Hell
And it's flames kill all joy
​

As usual, feedback welcome with open arms.

 

[Odd_Man_Out]

Endgame

All good things must end
Truer words never uttered
Stupid mistakes
Lead to shattered worlds

People left scarred
But it's never those who deserve it
They infest the skin of the innocent
Torturing the pure
Spelling the end

Seeing scars on others
Leaves marks of their own
Maybe not as visible
Maybe not as painful
Yet still the price has been paid
And again it begins

Over time the scars fade
But the marks stay forever
Weighing down the soul
Crushing the beating heart

No stranger to these pains am I
I expect it to come
Like one expects the winds to blow
Or the sun to become pale
Therefore I'm not suprised to learn
That for me
I have reached yet another Endgame

 

[Odd_Man_Out]

A friends Plea

Another hardship?
Do not fret
For I shall be here to help
To fight by your side the hurt
To battle back the sadness

Though we dont much speak
I shall fight through hell and high water with you
So that your smiling face could once again radiate joy
And the happiness that I once adored can return

If you need comfort, I'll always be there
I shall never bend
Nor shall i break
Together we can combat the hardships and weather the coming storm

Though we speak from afar
I am still with you
And will never leave your side
Just like a close friend should

Anytime you want to cry to me
Confide in me
Need someone to lift you up
I'll be right there for you
For now and forever
No matter what's going on between us
I shall always find time for you if you need me
This I swear to you
As a close friend
As a brother
And as someone who cares about your well being