Ladies, I need a hand.

[gershwin]

I'm a straight-only guy who needs some help. I've got a chronic condition that has weakened my arms and hands to the point I can't use them in lovemaking. My wife of many years hasn't been very sexually interested for a long time, and now is totally turned off. My problem is, my 40-something hormones are still raging and I can't even masturbate. I've got an humongous itch and can't even scratch it myself. Arrrrgggghhhh! My female friends are very caring but *very* straight and would be seriously offended if I asked them for "a hand up". Any help out there?