Know thyself

SpectreT

Knight in Tarnished Armor
Joined
Mar 1, 2001
Posts
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I posted in another thread, some very general meditation tips to expand one's self-knowledge. SirFace was appreicative, and FurryFury said she needed more detailed and directed questions and activities. The below is for her.

I'm not a trained professional, and this is self-taught introspection/meditation, so take it for what it's worth and adapt it to your own style.

Find a spot where no one's going to bug you, and I usually suggest an hour a day. That leaves you nine hundred other precious minutes in your day, assuming you get the recommended eight hours of sleep per night. Personally, I'm fond of places with trees and water, outdoors. I know not everyone lives in a rural or suburban area with such amenities available, so don't worry if you can't find a place like that.

Breathing. In as deep as you can, slowly, through the nose. Hold as long as you can. Out through the mouth, again slowly. Hold as long as you can. Rinse. Repeat.

Contemplate the sentence: "I am." Strip it of anything we usually use to finish that sentence, boil it down to just : "I am." Study that core of yourself. What are you, who are you? You're not a job, not a title, not a simple collection of kinks. What is it, that can form the thought, "I am."? That should be good for a while. Once you've got "I am." centered in your thoughts, and it might take a few weeks to get there, move on to sorting wants from needs. There are the basic physical needs, of course, which we all share. It's the mental and emotional needs and wants that make us each an individual, and what you should be focusing on through this. Once you know yourself, and your motivations, which constantly evolve, you can work to make yourself more like what you want to be.

If just sitting and breathing aren't exciting enough for you, you can add exercise to the meditations, once you're used to the breathing. Any old exercise, from walking to lifting weights to studying a martial art, will do. The increased body awareness is good, an the health and fitness benefits of adding even an hour of exercise to your day, I'm sure any doctor or nurse will approve of.

If anyone has experiences of their own self-awareness evolving, feel free to share.
 
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FurryFury said:
If more people would do this as early in their lives as possible, I suspect we would all be MUCH happier and the people we had around us would be too.

*nods muchly*

Lord knows I've been decades slow on the uptake here. *L*

Fury :rose:

That was her response to the general meditation tips I expanded on, above.

I'll put in the personal note that for me, this (the meditation) was very nearly survival equipment; I'm self-diagnosed Manic-Depressive, and while I can't honestly say I'm happy, I can say I'm happier.
 
I'm so honored Spectre! :kiss:

Would I sound too damaged if I said I almost never feel like I have an hour to do anything much less meditate?

I can see doing about five minutes at most to start and then seeing from there.

As for exercise I can see doing up to 20 minutes of floor and 30 of walking and no more.

Is something wrong with me?

I used to try to do some diaphragmic breathing and meditate each day. I should do that again probably. It's so hard to be still.

When I was first pregnant and walked out on, I had a lovely calendar. Everyday it would have me write things down that I was wanting to think about or make happen that day and then meditate. That was very needed since my life was so profoundly fucked up then.

*sighs*

Sometimes I feel that writing or reading is like meditation for me though.

Is this making any sense?

*looks worried*

Fury :rose:
 
Not damaged - maybe your attention span has been shortened? Watch any TV show and count the seconds between a cut or dissolve. If it gets to more than five seconds, write it down and page the folks at Guinness Book. And they wonder why so many kinds get diagnosed with ADHD... :rolleyes: Not just TV; modern life in general shortens the attention span considerably, as well. I just pointed to the easy example.

No one feels they have an hour anymore; that's why you have to make one somewhere. Five minutes isn't even enough to get the breathing pattern subconscious, so that you can meditate on anything.

As I said, I'm not that great on the exercize myself. I really need to get better at it; my long-term health is at risk. I'm six feet tall, and weigh between 325 and 340 (323 this morning). I can lift objects which match my wieght off the ground almost an inch, and can easily pick up a 220 - lb man and carry him for short distances (about a half-mile or so). Mind you, I have no endurance to speak of, and my working out leaves me pretty badly winded. I walk about twenty minutes to a half-hour a day, and lift weights for fifteen to twenty minutes a day, taking two days a week off, never two days in a row, though. I'm trying to kickstart my metabolism, so I get out of the over 300 lb range.
 
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What works for me is running. No ipod or music of any kind. Just me and my thoughts.
 
saw_man1 said:
What works for me is running. No ipod or music of any kind. Just me and my thoughts.
Good stuff. Anything that lets you focus your mind is great.
 
There is a book called "The eight minute meditation" that's pretty good. An 8 week course of 8 minutes a day.

I got lazy and quit around the 5th week. But I did say at the time it was the best 8 minutes of my day usually.
 
SpectreT said:
I'm trying to kickstart my metabolism, so I get out of the over 300 lb range.


Good for you! Baby steps will get you there as long as you do not give up. I have lose 60 lbs in the last year, and am happy to say I now weight less that my submissives, lol. Now that is progress.

Eb
 
saw_man1 said:
What works for me is running. No ipod or music of any kind. Just me and my thoughts.
I also find running (well, medium-ish speed light jog) very calming and relaxing, though I like music to help me keep my pace up. I also have found that swimming laps as hard and fast as I can makes all the yuckies of the day seem smaller. Ok, excersise (damnit I can't spell) in general. I've become a bit of a workout-aholic. I love anything that's strenuous but relatively simple in the movements like yoga (it's slow and with my breath so yes it's relatively simple compared to, say, dancersice or other such bouncey aerobics) weight lifting, running swimming and cycling.
 
Thank you Spectre T. I have been using meditation to help manage my depression now for 4 years. I have been diagnosed as having severe chronic depression (with bouts of suicidal tendancies) I began the meditations the day I quit smoking, and have kept it up ever since. Have not smoked since either.

But I do want to say that during some of the most trying occurances in my life, the meditations were the only thing keeping me able to function.

I hope that others find this as a good resource to help themselves. For me, I have come to regard my medititaions as the one thing I can give freely to myself. And it helps me learn how to be good to me. :)

And beyond that, I have been and am more readily able to see what kind of person I am. Sometimes, I am not happy with the things I see, for with ourselves we must be most honest... And it is durning those times that I learn that I have such a long way to go in self discovery and recovery.

Take care all.

~RS
 
saw_man1 said:
What works for me is running. No ipod or music of any kind. Just me and my thoughts.

I can do a short race pretty well but too soon I always get a stitch in my side running. I'm glad it works for you though.

SpectreT said:
Looking shamed over what?

A short attention span (which I've never thought I had before) and other short comings?

WriterDom said:
There is a book called "The eight minute meditation" that's pretty good. An 8 week course of 8 minutes a day.

I got lazy and quit around the 5th week. But I did say at the time it was the best 8 minutes of my day usually.

That sounds more up my alley.

I'm always getting interrupted by kids, business, and everything else. That's one reason why I love books and posting so much. I can put that stuff down and then pick them back up.

Ebonyfire said:
Good for you! Baby steps will get you there as long as you do not give up. I have lose 60 lbs in the last year, and am happy to say I now weight less that my submissives, lol. Now that is progress.

Eb

Great work Ebonyfire!

I plan to start working out again Monday if not before. I've taken a longish break due to a ton of work and some illness but it's time to start up again.

tealsphynx said:
I also find running (well, medium-ish speed light jog) very calming and relaxing, though I like music to help me keep my pace up. I also have found that swimming laps as hard and fast as I can makes all the yuckies of the day seem smaller. Ok, excersise (damnit I can't spell) in general. I've become a bit of a workout-aholic. I love anything that's strenuous but relatively simple in the movements like yoga (it's slow and with my breath so yes it's relatively simple compared to, say, dancersice or other such bouncey aerobics) weight lifting, running swimming and cycling.

When I was the mother of a young child I needed something like that. I would go swimming at least once a day, sometimes more!

I can't stand "classes" where everyone is doing the same thing. I always feel like a gawky incompetent in them.

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
<snip>
A short attention span (which I've never thought I had before) and other short comings?
As all nosy questions, this deserves nothing more than a "STFU", but what other shortcomings? And everyone's attention span is being shortened; for dozens of reasons, like this snippet from you, below:

FurryFury said:
I'm always getting interrupted by kids, business, and everything else. That's one reason why I love books and posting so much. I can put that stuff down and then pick them back up.
One of my key points was being where no one bugs you. :) I know it's not always possible, though...



FurryFury said:
Great work Ebonyfire!

I plan to start working out again Monday if not before. I've taken a longish break due to a ton of work and some illness but it's time to start up again.

When I was the mother of a young child I needed something like that. I would go swimming at least once a day, sometimes more!

I can't stand "classes" where everyone is doing the same thing. I always feel like a gawky incompetent in them.

Fury :rose:
How long did you spend swimming? Great exercise, swimming. Good time for meditation, too. The breathing rhythym, for example, the physical activity, the fact that being in the water imparts a certain isolation, even in a crowded public pool...

Like I said, I'm no professional, no guru, I've found something that works for me, and I think everyone can adapt it to their own use. You may not get one isolated hour all in one block, but combine the thinking with your exercise, and you may actually have more than an hour a day you can use to meditate. :)
 
My rule when I'm excercising is: either you're doing it with me or you're not in the room when I'm doing it. No walking in or out of the room I'm in either. It's a weird issue I have. It took a while to get over the idea of taking classes, but after a few weeks and some locker room conversations I learned that either other people are working out too hard to pay attention to anyone else, or they're just as paranoid about people watching them doing the moves that they aren't watching anyone else. As both my yoga and dance instructor have said: If you're looking around the room at what everyone else is doing you're not paying attention to your body and can hurt yourself. Sorry, ending excercise minihijack.
 
This is going to sound funny for a professional performer to say but I hate the feeling of being watched in most situations. I tend to try to do things when no one else is watching. That's not always easy around here. I guess it comes from constantly being judged early one in a negative way or a false over positive way.

How long did I swim? Well this was a long time ago but I would go and swim as long as I wanted to, I never timed it. I never really did laps either. I love that underwater feeling so much. I did flips and that sort of thing. Sometimes I'd just float free, that is a great sensation too. I'd say maybe thirty minutes or so, I'm simply not sure.

Am I going to put all of my self perceived short comings down here? Nope. LOL. I don't have nearly enough time for that.

Yeah it's hard to find "me" time. I have to work at it. Couple time is hard to find too. So many things are fighting for time. *s*

Fury :rose:
 
SpectreT said:
If anyone has experiences of their own self-awareness evolving, feel free to share.

Very well stated ST.

I picked up a little book by Howard Fast called "the art of Zen Meditation" in 1983 that I credit for my emotional rescue after the death of my first wife.

I learned to meditate and through that found out much about myself and the source of most of my pain. For me meditation brought me face to face with many of my inner demons and gave me the tools and strength to deal with them.

breathe, breathe, breathe, be here, now - that is just about it.

Thank you for the thread my friend. :kiss:
 
Im sure I'll get attacked for this but the only time I really feel like "myself" is when I have an alcohol buzz on. Granted Ive been drinking since 14 and I am somewhat a pro. My personality doesnt change, I dont miss work, I dont get into wrecks, I dont turn into any more of an asshole than I am already, I actually get more open and more fun and less inhibited. I am a drinking lover. I like myself more and as such, others like me more too. I can do many things better. I usually know my limits and go to bed when I reach them. Am I an alcoholic? By some judgements, yes, by others, no. Do I need to drink, no. Do I always drink to excess, no. But I do feel better and more open and more in tune to who I am. So, chemical dependence? Sure. So what. Others have their own forms of "medication". Mine just happens to be old school. Doesnt automatically make it bad. I know it is for some people, I see them everyday.

I am sad that our society has branded drinking alcohol as "politically incorrect" while looking the other way at pot, crack, or any other forms of chemical dependance including coffee (yes coffee is not far off from nicotine) although they are really going Nazi on smoking (another old school vice). By the way, I was able to break a severe smoking habit many years ago (as my bulbous stomach will attest). Not that I have anything against the other forms of self medication, I just dont like mine being singled out.

Now, on to the subject at hand. Who am I? And how do I find this person?
I have always been a "pleaser". A camelion so to speak. I can adapt to most any situation or person quickly and effectively. Even to the point of picking up accents or languages quickly. This is very useful in my professional life but who exactly am I? I feel sometimes like I am only the reflection of who I am with at any given time. Does that bother me? Not really. Does it alter the reality of who I love and why? No, not at all. Does it prevent me from being Dominant? Hell no. And this is a new thing I didnt know about. My little buddy has already proven to me that Dominance is in my soul or he wouldnt be so happy (hard) to play the part. There is no conscious control of him. He gets happy on a level I cant control.

Now, I must add that there have been some serious changes in the last month as some of you know. I have found some inner feelings and desires I didnt know I had, hell, no one knew, not even the one who loves me.

So whats wrong with this. What if this is really who I am? If Im happy with it and the person who means everything to me is happy with it, why would I want or need to find out anything else. Who can honestly say they wouldnt want a person who wants to please them, in any form, even to dominance and sadism. Its not faking, even if the inner drive isnt the same. Like i said before, theres no fooling a cock. At my age, if it doesnt turn you on, hes not going to be either, no matter what.

Ok, now that Ive spilled my guts and I hope she isnt completely turned off by this, let me have it.

You have all been very nice to me as a nuby and let me have my fun. Heres your chance to see the real me as I see me.
 
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This is easily the best thread I've read here in a long time. Thank you SpectreT for starting it. Also, thank you SirFace for sharing yourself so openly. I find it admirable, and certainly don't share the courage to do so myself just yet, and I've been here for years.
 
SirFace said:
Im sure I'll get attacked for this but the only time I really feel like "myself" is when I have an alcohol buzz on. Granted Ive been drinking since 14 and I am somewhat a pro. My personality doesnt change, I dont miss work, I dont get into wrecks, I dont turn into any more of an asshole than I am already, I actually get more open and more fun and less inhibited. I am a drinking lover. I like myself more and as such, others like me more too. I can do many things better. I usually know my limits and go to bed when I reach them. Am I an alcoholic? By some judgements, yes, by others, no. Do I need to drink, no. Do I always drink to excess, no. But I do feel better and more open and more in tune to who I am. So, chemical dependence? Sure. So what. Others have their own forms of "medication". Mine just happens to be old school. Doesnt automatically make it bad. I know it is for some people, I see them everyday.

I am sad that our society has branded drinking alcohol as "politically incorrect" while looking the other way at pot, crack, or any other forms of chemical dependance including coffee (yes coffee is not far off from nicotine) although they are really going Nazi on smoking (another old school vice). By the way, I was able to break a severe smoking habit many years ago (as my bulbous stomach will attest). Not that I have anything against the other forms of self medication, I just dont like mine being singled out.

Now, on to the subject at hand. Who am I? And how do I find this person?
I have always been a "pleaser". A camelion so to speak. I can adapt to most any situation or person quickly and effectively. Even to the point of picking up accents or languages quickly. This is very useful in my professional life but who exactly am I? I feel sometimes like I am only the reflection of who I am with at any given time. Does that bother me? Not really. Does it alter the reality of who I love and why? No, not at all. Does it prevent me from being Dominant? Hell no. And this is a new thing I didnt know about. My little buddy has already proven to me that Dominance is in my soul or he wouldnt be so happy (hard) to play the part. There is no conscious control of him. He gets happy on a level I cant control.

Now, I must add that there have been some serious changes in the last month as some of you know. I have found some inner feelings and desires I didnt know I had, hell, no one knew, not even the one who loves me.

So whats wrong with this. What if this is really who I am? If Im happy with it and the person who means everything to me is happy with it, why would I want or need to find out anything else. Who can honestly say they wouldnt want a person who wants to please them, in any form, even to dominance and sadism. Its not faking, even if the inner drive isnt the same. Like i said before, theres no fooling a cock. At my age, if it doesnt turn you on, hes not going to be either, no matter what.

Ok, now that Ive spilled my guts and I hope she isnt completely turned off by this, let me have it.

You have all been very nice to me as a nuby and let me have my fun. Heres your chance to see the real me as I see me.

Except for the Dom part of your post, I could have said the same about me once.

I had to take a break from drinking to make and nurse babies though. *S*

However the fitting other people thing, the looking into the mirror of their eyes and seeing what they want me to be, then becoming it thing is very me. I think it's a survival skill when you grow up with a fucked up family. I don't know a damn thing about your family, so I'm just saying that's what I think. You want to live? Figure out how to please them. *L*

When it got rough was when I had who they wanted me to be down, but two or more of them were in the same room and they wanted me to be different things. I think all this is why it takes me a long time to figure stuff out about myself in general despite all the books and tapes I read and listen too.

Now I have a core "me" that I'm pretty comfortable with. Getting that "drunk" feeling doesn't require booze anymore, though I still do drink from time to time, it just takes air, life and joy.

I'm not judging you in case that's not clear. I'm just throwing out my own POV now versus what it used to be when I still had people in my life I was afraid of and still was drinking a hell of a lot.

Not everyone who abuses booze is an alcoholic or unhappy with their life IMO.

I've enjoyed that lovely high that booze can bring. The one that almost makes you think you actually can breathe underwater while you swim at 3 am. The one that makes you feel like it's easier to get up on stage and do, well, just about anything. That's a great feeling but now I know I can do any of that with or without the drugs.

My main drug these days is caffeine. I usually drink decaf coffee unless I'm traveling or having a really stressful day but I have six ounces of Dr. Pepper a day every day. It's my drug of choice now.

When my husband makes dinner I usually have a nice glass of red wine because ya know the docs said it's good for ya! *winks*

With my sinus meds that fucking sends me over the moon now. Geez!

Fury :rose:
 
SirFace - almost point for point, I can identify - Adaptable? - check. Language talent? - check. Fortunately for me, I've had to get to know myself very well, just as a matter of staying alive, so I never had that moment where something totally unexpected came up. As to why you'd want to continue to evolve your self-awareness, it's mainly so you don't get blindsided by new stuff, and so you don't need booze to feel like yourself. You can use booze to just have a little fun, instead.

I'm not going to give you any more shit about the booze; once a week, I'll hit a bar and play pool. I make it a point to only have two double Scotch (Glenlivet) on the rocks, all night, and no other alcoholic beverages. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of my family tree, so I watch that very carefully.

I see nothing wrong at all, at this point. You may want to watch for physical effects of aclohol consumption; talk to your doctor. As to the new wrinkle in your life, as long as everyone's happy, there's nothing wrong with it at all.

And guy? You don't wanna get in a pissing contest with a manic-depressive about poor self-image. Trust me. No one here's likely to hate you for any of that. We might caution you not to play while you're buzzed, too, but that's a general safety tip.
 
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Shankara20 said:
Very well stated ST.

I picked up a little book by Howard Fast called "the art of Zen Meditation" in 1983 that I credit for my emotional rescue after the death of my first wife.

I learned to meditate and through that found out much about myself and the source of most of my pain. For me meditation brought me face to face with many of my inner demons and gave me the tools and strength to deal with them.

breathe, breathe, breathe, be here, now - that is just about it.

Thank you for the thread my friend. :kiss:
I figured there'd be some folks who'd be able to identify. I knew there would be people who'd need this sort of thing, too. Self knowledge is very important, especially in BDSM.
 
I appreciate the empathy. I really do, I need some right now.

Of course, my self awareness continues, whether I like it or not. I guess the point I was trying to make (and I know I was just spewing because its very difficult for me to write about my feelings) is that I find this very confusing. A "pleaser" and a "dom", how is that possible? How can I exert my dominance when Im not sure if its "me" or my ability to read what she wants. This is where I am confused about these new feelings. I do know that at some point I take over and do what I want without thinking about what she might like or not. I supppose I have just answered my own question. Its still a great contradiction to me.

The booze really isnt a problem, medically or otherwise. The only reason I brought it up was as an example of how I have trouble with being myself. And we dont play when loaded, that would be silly and we're usually too busy singing or something to even think about it. Sex and Play always comes first or not at all.

And I am not sure I understand the poor self image thing. I dont have a poor self image, I dont think. I am just very confused. I am very happy with whats going on right now, granted Im very insecure, just as anyone would be in a totally new world. I was always so sure about everything, now, not so much. I feel like a teenager again. First date, first prom, first lay. Very exciting but unsettling. I know, it takes time, doesnt make it any less un-nerving.

SpectreT said:
SirFace - almost point for point, I can identify - Adaptable? - check. Language talent? - check. Fortunately for me, I've had to get to know myself very well, just as a matter of staying alive, so I never had that moment where something totally unexpected came up. As to why you'd want to continue to evolve your self-awareness, it's mainly so you don't get blindsided by new stuff, and so you don't need booze to feel like yourself. You can use booze to just have a little fun, instead.

I'm not going to give you any more shit about the booze; once a week, I'll hit a bar and play pool. I make it a point to only have two double Scotch (Glenlivet) on the rocks, all night, and no other alcoholic beverages. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of my family tree, so I watch that very carefully.

I see nothing wrong at all, at this point. You may want to watch for physical effects of aclohol consumption; talk to your doctor. As to the new wrinkle in your life, as long as everyone's happy, there's nothing wrong with it at all.

And guy? You don't wanna get in a pissing contest with a manic-depressive about poor self-image. Trust me. No one here's likely to hate you for any of that. We might caution you not to play while you're buzzed, too, but that's a general safety tip.
 
Apologies for the confusion over the self-image thing... it was that "now you can all hate me" kind of vibe in the last couple of sentences.

And "pleaser" and "dom" can easily go hand-in-hand. "Dom" doesn't exactly mean "selfish". You're pleasing their need to submit, is what that boils down to. It seems counterintuitive, but trust me, it works out logically. (Mind you, it'd take a Switch like me to come up with that logic, I think, but that doesn't make it any less valid.)

For my next trick, I'll attempt to rationalize Evolution and Creationism without resorting to Intelligent Design. :p
 
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