Kinksters and Infatuation...

[fluidityhuman]

I find it really odd that being infatuated with someone can be so overwhelming, painful almost. I understand the biology behind it, and I'm dealing with it alright, ha. I'm also not rushing into anything or even really giving too much credence to any one idea/future... I do wonder though, what does Lit community think- When a kinkster meets someone they think could fill that specific 'role,' so to speak, in their lives, do you think it's more intense? For me, I think it is, because it's a little more desperate, as certainly not everyone is interested in even what, to be honest, I would consider the most mild of kinks. Thoughts?

 

[PaxNurgle]

I've fallen into the trap of having a crush on someone who was not only not the least bit interested in kink, but wasn't the least bit interested in sex or romance either. It was like worshipping an ice sculpture of a beautiful woman.
Then being involved with someone who WAS kinky but was only interested in my money, and getting me to spend as much of it on her as possible. There was no connection, romantic or otherwise, beyond that, at least not from her end.

Sometimes in our minds we decide to make someone our dream partner, but we are imagining them to be something other than who they really are.

Sometimes "Accepting people for who they are" also means accepting people for who they are not.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Sometimes in our minds we decide to make someone our dream partner, but we are imagining them to be something other than who they really are.

And it is so easy to do, before you really know very much about someone, so you can ”fill in the blanks” as you please.

I read somewhere that George Washington’s greatest strength was that he insisted on seeing things as they were… instead of as he wished them to be.

My parents used to have these books full of quotes, that I used to love when I was a kid.
There was a quote by Joubert that I kind of liked but that still kind of grated in my mind:

When my friends lack an eye, I look at them in profile.

It took a long time to realize that what grated for me was that it might be interpreted as if you’d want to be unaware that they lack an eye.
To me looking at the good side of my friends and seeing their strenghts is a good thing but I want to know their weak side/their faults too. I don’t want to be unaware.
I want the same from those who care about me.

 

[fluidityhuman]

Great thoughts and replies here from everyone. I think you're all spot on, so thanks very much.
(Not me thinking I wish I would have logged on to check forum replies earlier this week.... Lol!)
I don't think it's a bad thing to let yourself wonder about whether or not someone may or may not be interested in such things, but, as I've done once more, (and will do again perhaps, ha,) I just try to be as honest as possible. Of course, that doesn't mean coming out with any of the 'other' stuff mentioned here unless someone returns an initial attraction to begin with!,--- But... better a let down desire that can heal quickly than a built up, perhaps even years long infatuation that ends in destruction because you've been too afraid to speak on it... yes?? Well, that's been my experience at least. Wish you all the best. ~~fluidity @IrisAlthea @kinked_a_bit @PaxNurgle

 

[fluidityhuman]

I've fallen into the trap of having a crush on someone who was not only not the least bit interested in kink, but wasn't the least bit interested in sex or romance either. It was like worshipping an ice sculpture of a beautiful woman.
Then being involved with someone who WAS kinky but was only interested in my money, and getting me to spend as much of it on her as possible. There was no connection, romantic or otherwise, beyond that, at least not from her end.

Sometimes in our minds we decide to make someone our dream partner, but we are imagining them to be something other than who they really are.

Sometimes "Accepting people for who they are" also means accepting people for who they are not.

I can relate to the first aspect, except it was over a decade long relationship.... Hurts. And can also relate on feeling manipulated by your attraction too... Really sorry you've had to deal with that also. It's- Well, it's certainly not easy, (to put it very, very mildly.)

 

[fluidityhuman]

And it is so easy to do, before you really know very much about someone, so you can ”fill in the blanks” as you please.



My parents used to have these books full of quotes, that I used to love when I was a kid.
There was a quote by Joubert that I kind of liked but that still kind of grated in my mind:


It took a long time to realize that what grated for me was that it might be interpreted as if you’d want to be unaware that they lack an eye.
To me looking at the good side of my friends and seeing their strenghts is a good thing but I want to know their weak side/their faults too. I don’t want to be unaware.
I want the same from those who care about me.

Yeah, I agree. Even with those we love the most... you still have to know how to enforce the boundaries that are important to you, and sometimes those are really dependent upon just who it is you're engaging with, 100%. That honestly applies to everyone, not just romantic/sexual relationships/relations.

 

[fluidityhuman]

The key to what you are saying is, “someone they think could fill that specific role.”

When we design a partner in our mind that is all the things we are hoping for, one thing that’s not always taken into account is that the other person will have desires and needs too.

Another is that they might grow and develop over time. My wife and I were not each other’s “one” when we met. She was a sexy slut, I was a horny horndog, and we were both kinky perverts.

Over time we became “the ones” we weren’t even smart enough to know we were looking for.

The desire to find someone who ticks all the boxes right from the start isn’t realistic in most cases and leaves you vulnerable to actors and jerks who can easily figure out what you want to hear (because you’ll tell them) and recite it back to you to get what they want.

I’d suggest getting to know kink people in real life and online - and looking for someone you like and respect as a person. That’s a solid foundation to work from.

Everything else is just details that can be added, learned, or bought as things develop.

Great points... Any tips for someone interested in learning/engaging (safely!) even just purely on a social level IRL if... they honestly don't have anyone they'd care to invite/share that part of themselves with? Online has always been... tricky for me.

 

[fluidityhuman]

Online isn’t what it used to be. A long time ago, chat rooms were the big thing, and those were wonderful.

All you had was words. Digital cameras were not common, maybe even not available, at that time. You got to observe people interacting with others in the public room, as well as having private chats with them. It was always surprising how quickly you could get to know someone in that medium - much faster than in real life.

But that has gone, replaced by social media, dating apps, and pictures where you have one shot at catching someone’s interest. Even if you do, a slow reply, or a couple of days away from the internet, and they have moved on to the next serving on the smorgasbord.

So I would suggest doing it the real old fashioned way: meeting humans in real life interactions where you can get to know each other a little bit before one of you swipes whichever way gets rid of the other.

If you don’t know anyone, the best strategy is probably to go to “munches.” These are informal events, usually held at a restaurant or bar and in ordinary clothing, so as not to spook the civilians. Going to a few of these will allow you to get to know some people so that when you go to a dungeon, you will have some friends and acquaintances who will probably include you in whatever they’re doing.

Being pleasant, and having good manners will take you a very long way in this crowd. Good luck!

Thanks for the tips & for the luck- appreciate it! Best wishes 2 u as well.

 

[MagicFlute]

I find it really odd that being infatuated with someone can be so overwhelming, painful almost. I understand the biology behind it, and I'm dealing with it alright, ha. I'm also not rushing into anything or even really giving too much credence to any one idea/future... I do wonder though, what does Lit community think- When a kinkster meets someone they think could fill that specific 'role,' so to speak, in their lives, do you think it's more intense? For me, I think it is, because it's a little more desperate, as certainly not everyone is interested in even what, to be honest, I would consider the most mild of kinks. Thoughts?

I think that the bdsm/ kink relationships ARE a little more intense because there is another level of trust that vanilla relationships don't have. You have to trust the other person won't divulge your kink to the rest of the world if you're not ready. You have to trust that the sessions don't go beyond what you are prepared to take.

So when you find that potential "someone ", you are indeed desperately hoping that they can be trusted.