Kimberley @ Karen, Two sister poems

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Hi,
Have completed my trilogy with two sister poems. Hope you like them and would love feedback. Sorry about one error in Karen poem.
SISSY ADELE HOWELLS
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=243032
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=243032

 

[wildsweetone]

Okay, I'm game to have a go this time. Take whatever I say whichever way you like *smile* I'm still a learning poet myself.

This is feedback about your poem, about the words you've chosen, the punctuation, etc.

Kimberley Holmes
by Sissy Adele Howells ©

Kimberley Holmes at twenty seven,
My idea of kinky heaven,
Long blonde hair, tall and slim,
Married to Kevin, she doesn't want him,
You love me Kimberley Holmes. (seems like nice smoothish rhyme here)

Jean's elder daughter,
Flirting in front of her husband,
Wearing revealing, sexy clothes,
Soon her glasses will be steaming up,
Shame about her big, long nose.(no rhyme? i expected it to continue. i think your line breaks need work. you have each line ending on natural pauses and it makes my reading very stilted. try and make the last word in each line work for you, it's important)

Planted a camera, inside her bedroom,
Love your brief, white panties and bra,
Your fishnet tights are sexy,
A pretty flowered blouse,
Splattered with pink roses,
Short, black, leather skirt,
Kimberley Holmes, my tart on heat,
Valley slag, who loves to shag.(did you just change from third person to first person i.e. 'her' to 'your'? if these are thoughts then maybe putting them in italics will help the reader's mind to switch pov with you, or alternatively, be consistent and keep the pov the same throughout.)

Kimberley undresses me slowly,
I'm shivering bollack naked,
She kisses me softly on the lips,
Displays her black, satin nightie,
For me to wear for her amusement.(check spelling for 'bollack'. last line is too wordy)

Our arms are around each other,
Her husband has a vacant expression,
Snogging Kimberley heavily,
We both fall to the floor,
I'm on top of my kinky whore,
My penis is rock solid.(i feel like you are 'telling' me everything. not 'showing' me anything. also you're not leaving anything to my own imagination.)

Opening her satin blouse,
unclasping Kimberley's brassiere,
Here ripe, round breasts,
Are resting in my hands,
Sucking Kimberley's nipples,
Kimberley Holmes breast feeds me,
In front of her retarded husband.(line 3 'Here' should be 'her'.)

Her Mam, Jean and sister Karen,
Join Kevin, to watch us make love,
Unzipping Kimberley's leather skirt,
It's joins her tights around her ankles,
Kimberley looks helpless in her panties,
I'm going to screw my valley slag,
With her brown booties on.('It's' should be 'It'.)

Kimberley lifts up my nightie,
My throbbing penis, ready for action,
Pulling her panties down with my teeth,
She is desperate to be the best slut.(is she lifting your penis too? check punctuation or reword to ensure you say what you mean)

Our tongues are in each others mouths,
Kevin encourages his wife,
To lie on her back, with legs wide open,
Kimberley laughs as we rub noses,
Then groans, as I start to shaft her.('others' should be 'others' ' i think.)

Thrusting my penis,into Kim's vagina,
Pumping my semen inside her,
Want to make Kimberley pregnant,
Give her the daughter she always wanted,
A gift Kevin Holmes, could't deliver.(insert a space after 'penis,'. 'could't' should be 'couldn't '.)

1. where is the poetic wording, phrasing that helps the reader realise this is a poem not simply prose split into shorter lines?

2. is there any reason you have a capital letter at the beginning of each line?

3. your punctuation is not right. there are places within the stanzas that should have full stops and only have commas. quick old fashioned rule of thumb, new thought = new sentence.

4. beginning with a rhyming stanza led me to expect the entire poem would be in sync, would rhyme. i felt let down that it didn't continue. that is possibly a fault on my part, but i still felt it is worth mentioning.

readers of poetry have some expectations i think. they expect to see some clever wording, some concrete imagery, reasonable and correct punctuation (or none at all). they also expect to be able to allow their minds to picture the scene you are setting, it's easier for a reader to do that when the writer 'shows' rather than 'tells'.

i may have missed some things.

on the whole, i liked this poem better than the first of the trilogy (the content was easier for me to read this time).

thanks for sharing your writing and for not being afraid to grab people's feedback.

keep writing!

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Thanks For Advice

Hi,
Thank you for your advice which I read with great interest. I know it's not perfect, but will listen to what you said. Hope you liked Karen Lloyd poem as well.
Adele