KillerMuffin, unmasked poet or daughter

ok. Do I have BO Or what?:D I am trying a new tact. It is called you need to grow so accept some feedback and get on with it! :) Anyone? Let me know what you think of my poem.
Thanks Debbie
 
This could be interesting

Sexual Desire
by debbiexxx ©

Sexual arousal, erotic desire
My body aflame, so on fire
Im a pro for you; on hire

Slake my thirst, do quench me
Foreplay be damned, Im horny
Fuck me, Im a wild baby


I want, no need you to thrust
Deep deep hard oh you must
Take me, in my deepest lust

My wet slit open waiting for you
Take me, ready, rough as you do
I am here, waiting for you to screw


Rubbing against my hot slippery clit
Aching for your big prick to admit
On your prick I need to squeeze and sit

Thrusting, stroking, throbbing inside
Filling, stretching, spreading me wide
Needing a fantastic sexy wild ride

The feeling so intense, so amazing
My body thrilled, my being does sing
My pulse races, my body tingling

The song, my cunt sings is ecstasy
Oh god, you satisfy and enthrall me
I want you to bang me, I decree

Pounding, plunging, hammering
Oh god, your prick a great thing
Sounds great, ultimately appealing

Yes. Oh yes, god yes, yes fulfillment
Wanton pleasure, a fantastic present
A great crescendo meant, so pleasant

Sexual desire, our bodies physically met
Your body attracted to mine, a magnet
Pulses racing, in time, maybe preset

Satisfaction reached, sex fluids spent
An itch scratched, inner gratified vent
Nothing said, lover, so much meant

Forgive the delay debbiexxx,
It is a straightforward poem. I find it dry, there is no sensuality, I realize of course the poem is about a more urgent need. I also find no erotic content. The first thing I suggest you examine is the sentence length, I feel it is too short in length with two or three words more per line perhaps you would have the space you need to generate some heat. Better word choice could maintain sentence length but then you would need to change the rhyme scheme.

The biggest problem for me is your word choice it is rather ho hum. We have all seen this poem before, it is generic. I have no clue as to your voice or style.

Lets examine your rhyme, perhaps alternate or use a refrain.
With three lines you could try an AAB or ABA or ABB you are currently using AAA for most of the poem. Try AAB then alternate. The next stanza could be BAA or ABC. Sounds complicated but it isn’t really. There is an example below.

Before you do that, get the vision of what you want. What do you want to say? It has to be more than your central character is horny. How does she get horny what creates this lust. If you cannot create this background out of thin air then perhaps you can use a bit of your own personal history to get in touch with the desire you want the character to express.

What is she wearing? What does she look like? Where is she.
What time of day. You must create a whole scenario for this wanton woman to exist in. Once you have the image and feeling rewrite the first three stanzas only. Describe the ache she feels for her lover, do not satisfy her need so quickly in your poem let her burn more

Of course first you must have a structure to work in. Lets use the one you already have. Lets say the poem is going to be 9 to 12 stanzas total. The first third should be committed to the beginning of her need. Be descriptive and visual. Your middle stanzas could be his entrance and her reaction. The last 3rd is the expression of release pleasure whatever.

For a three-line stanza I would use a rhythm like this.
Then I would repeat the rhyme pattern of the first stanza for the third. Using the second stanza as a break. Notice the second stanza does maintain the rhythm without repeating rhyme. I have set up the poem so the reader can identify that Im alone and horny, my man is away yet on the way. My passion is building, described and visualized with a few dirty cliché words thrown in also.

You need stirs me from miles away
My limbs taught, my nerves fray
At my lust for you

How I crave the ache of your thrust
Foreplay be dammed I need to fuck
Hasten home and feed your slut

As I spread my thighs I want to play
My fingers hold, my needs at bay
Till you come home

I look forward to your rewrite, experiment with different rhyme patterns.

U.P.

Okay KM, Daughter your turn.
 
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apology

debbie--

I have problems in my own writing. One is line length. This was especially true when I first started writing. I'm with UP, experiment with length. It has a significant impact on a read. Most of us measure our lines by how we believe we want them spoken. This is a limited and often ineffective method.

Look at Shakespeare's work. I won't bore you with the technical jargon, but read his lines and consider how his lines affect the read. You could also read HomerPindar and Otzchiim here. They both write in traditional forms and provide us a good example of longer lines. After reading them, tell me what differences they make in your opinion.

I'm sick of folks complaining that some of us don't like rhyme. That is not accurate. I dislike forced rhyme and simple patterns when they don't match a desired mood or tone. The problem I have with most of the rhyming poety here is that it impresses me that the writer is rhyming because they don't know how to use any other poetry tools. Poems that rely on rhyme only are weak. They need to be supported with other devices. Like UP, in your poem, the rhyme is all I see.

Lastly, your word choices are so common that nothing in the poem says anything I haven't read a thousand times before. I'm not being flippant. I read every single day. Do you know how many times I have see "ecstacy", "passion", "fuck"? So many times they no longer have an impact. Using these terms ocassionally and sparingly can work. Put 10 of these in one poem(Check out my "Collaboration") and you'll get a sugar rush that might upset your stomach.

Debbie, there are plenty of text to help poets improve their skills. I harp on one for good reason. Check out Ms. Oliver's book. And read more poetry, the more offline the better. We all pretty much on the same playing field. If you want to get better, study those who have figured it out.

A personal favorite of mine is Language of Life with Bill Moyers. I recommend this book because it is diverse in styles, but all the poets are contemporary. That's important. For many, when we look at the classics, the beauty of them don't register or we try to emulate them without having the technical skill and knowledge to do it well. Better to see how the contemporary poets, who have benefitted from the classics, turn an modern spin on poetry.

Hope this helps, Debbie.

Keep writing.

Peace,

daughter
 
I didn't like it. I was kind enough not to vote.

It was, as UP stated eloquently, flat and generic.

It came across like a bad penthouse forum letter to me. There was no heart, no soul, no emotion in it. There was no DebbieXXX in the poem just a bunch of words that really didn't go together very well, a slavish devtion to rhyme that didn't quite work like it should have, and no comfortable rhythm for me to get into.

I didn't like the usage of the "hard" sex words. Cunt, slit, etc. These are words that you have to be very careful with no matter what form of writing you use them in. They have bad connotations and they cannot stand alone unles you're using them as an epithet. Pussy and clit are the only hard sex words for the female anatomy that aren't at least slightly negative in connotation. When you use those words, you have to modify them with your tone, the words around them, and the voice you're speaking to the reader with.

More problems with word choice and the rhyme thing brought a lot of awkward phrases that turn me off completely:
Slake my thirst, do quench me
My body thrilled, my being does sing
I want you to bang me, I decree

Word order that we're looking at, not just words that don't work together. Bang me and decree don't work very well. They can, if there is a pattern of that kind of thing, but it seems that the rhyme is what made your word choice. "being does sing" O-P-S Object Predicate Subject. Normally this is passive voice, Object as Subject, Predicate, Subject as Object, but in these phrases they come across backwards and awkward. You're also looking at a lot of tense shifting through the whole thing. That's uncomfortable to read. It feels like you're writing in past tense, but you shift to present tense to accomodate the rhyme or meter of the poem.

Repitition is a wonderful thing. Sometimes. I didn't think the repitition of "god" was particularly successful. I think it was the lack of a pattern of repitition as well as the different tone of language in the three stanzas it was used in. Great, great, great, great, and prick, prick, prick, prick. The only penis word used was prick. Great was the most common modifier.

The thing it lacked was that piece of you. You kept it from us for some reason. It had no heart. It gives the whole work a clinical feel, like a stuffy, asexual old bat reading the Song of Solomon out loud.

You're not going to hit me now, are you?
 
That was mine. :confused: It just logged me out all of the sudden. It's never done that before.
 
Thank you daughter, UP and KM. Actually you guys were right on. I wrote this poem experimenting with the words I would not normally use. It is harsh. It doesn't come across well at all.
I like the suggestion write the way you talk. I don't talk like this and it is obvious in this poem. It seems forced.
I am writing another poem at the moment trying what UP suggests, longer line length and a different rhyme pattern.

quote by KM,"The thing it lacked was that piece of you. You kept it from us for some reason. It had no heart. It gives the whole work a clinical feel, like a stuffy, asexual old bat reading the Song of Solomon out loud. " End quote
Yes it did lack something. Clinical is a good way to put it.

KM I would never hit you, I respect you and your opinion. :)
Thanks guys for the critique and the way you did it. I feel good!
 
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