It may quite a good tale but I stopped reading midway through the third paragraph.
You need to break this into paragraphs, each describing single lines of thought or actions.
You need to place the dialogue into separate paragraphs. (read the Lit guidelines for writing dialogue)
You need to proofread for punctuation and misspellings. (or have a lit editor help)
You have some trouble with plurals. They, their, theirs and the verbs following them. (editor/proofreader)
Cut down on contractions outside of dialogue, couldn't, shouldn't, I'm; write the words could not, should not, I am. In the dialogue leave the contractions and even use more to give it the NY flavour.
Cut down on "quickly" "hopelessly" and other adverbs, use stronger verbs that do not require modifiers, or simply drop the adverb. (professionalism)
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Opinion part.
You have far too many similies. Describe her and stop.
You use many words which could be cut.. i.e... New York Times can be just Times once you have told us he is in NY, we know the "Times" is the "New York Times" it helps with length and with intimacy.
Drop things like "hazelnut coffee" - unless there is a good reason to tell us his coffee is hazelnut, just say coffee.
I was laughing when I reached the "her butt was shaped so firm" wondering what simile would be used next. and was not disappointed.
I stopped shortly after this wondering when the description of her neck, arms, legs, breasts and little finger would come and if each would require 3 sentences.
Aye, agreed with the post above. Those massive chunks of text are too daunting for me. Let's start there, then, when my pitiable mind and eyes can wade through without crossing or exploding (not necessarily in that order), I'll delve further.
haha. Yea, that's true. I'll edit this, cut out alot, and refine it. I really appreciate the critique though. Maybe I should've proofread through it before I made you suffer.. aye, yes. Should it be written in third person?
