KayandSteve looking for feedback

[kayandsteve69]

We are fairly new authors here and would like some honest and constructive feedback to our stories. The newest one can be found at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=294959

Thanks.

Kay and Steve

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Good first try. From the first paragraph, I felt like I was reading a travel log, but that's okay. The real problem is the way you tried to switch back and forth between Kay and Steve. It would have been cleaner to have used dialoge rather than the title switch device you used. The effect of this is, almost the entire story is going on inside their heads, not as action. Dialogue displays action, thoughts, responses and personality.

The story seems like a good idea, but the structure is weak. In the end, I have no idea who these people are. If you had been clearer on them and aloud them to speak their own thoughts, it would have made a lot of difference.

But don't feel terrible. The story was good. I expect your next one will be better

 

[kayandsteve69]

Thanks for the feedback

Thank you for the feedback. The back and forth voices was a bit of an experiment. Our other stories have not followed that format. We were a bit concerned about the lack of info about us as people...i.e. who we are, what we look like, etc.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thank you for the feedback. The back and forth voices was a bit of an experiment. Our other stories have not followed that format. We were a bit concerned about the lack of info about us as people...i.e. who we are, what we look like, etc.

It's really more Who the Characters Are than what you look like. I never do discriptions in my stories. If the reader needs to know a character has long blond hair and big boobs, there are other ways of telling that.

Who is much more important. Dialogue tells the reader that. How they think. How they react. And most importantly, what kind of relationship is there between the characters.

You two will do fine