Karen

[NNerO]

Hello! i submitted a story, for the first time, last week. It was approved and i was hoping to get some feedback. i've been an unprofessional (& unpublished) writer for a while now and, for the first time, took writing erotic literature seriously.

Anyway, here is the link.

 

[jon_jones]

I'm crap at the grammar and intricacies of writing, so I won't comment on them, but from what I can see you've got them ok.

It seems a little strange, the male character has been talking to this woman for ages online and on the phone, and when they meet he jumps straight into the shower with her, he's not nervous at all, she's not nervous at all.

It seems to jump into the sex too quickly (a common problem on lit) there is no chat, no hugs and "hi, how are you? how was your journey?" and no sizing up of each other before they get down to business. I just don't buy that. Maybe it's just me, but you don't just jump STRAIGHT into bed (or the shower in this case) with someone you've just met after talking for a while, there should be a least a little chit chat.

And after lots of detailed description the last (or penultimate, i can't recall) paragraph talks about you fucking and sucking for the rest of the night, it's seems like a bit of quick ending.

Hope this helps

J-J

 

[NNerO]

Jon, great advice, thank you very much.

i had wondered about just "jumping into the shower" after i submitted the story.

As for the ending, i didn't know how to end it, without using another page or more going into tremendous detail. Any advice on that would be really appreciated.

Yours is the best advice i've received so far, thank you.

 

[vargas111]

It's hard to take seriously a story that says "we fucked and sucked."