Just wrote my first story! Would love some feedback

[floralovelace]

You can find it here. It's lesbian erotica with some bondage elements. Also, I'm planning on writing more, so suggestions are welcome.

Also, this story was written by a queer woman for an audience of other queer women. Of course, anyone can read it or give feedback, but I'd prefer responses from other queer women.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Swift and efficient, a hot scene. Now, of course, for a story!

One tiny, tiny thing:

"Yes, thats- lets go," I practically raced up...

should be: "Yes, thats - lets go." I practically raced up...

You have one spoken sentence and a separate action sentence. You don't have a speech tag to the former (you don't need one), therefore the spoken sentence ends with a full stop, not a comma.

It's a very minor thing, but it pays to get it right from the beginning - incorrect dialogue punctuation is common in Lit stories, and easily avoided.

Other than that, there's not much to add - it's a short scene, well told, avoids the usual technical wobbles.

Expand your characters, give them something to do. You'll be fine .

 

[housewares2222]

Swift and efficient, a hot scene. Now, of course, for a story!

One tiny, tiny thing:


should be: "Yes, thats - lets go." I practically raced up...

To be pedantic, it should be "Yes, that's..."

 

[ElectricBlue]

To be pedantic, it should be "Yes, that's..."

Quite right. I spotted the aberrant comma, not the missing apostrophe! At least the OP didn't get a Bill Gates' 'it's' in the wrong place .

 

[AlinaX]

(Bemused that a pedant would pick up on only one of the missing apostrophes.)

 

[Nouh_Bdee]

(Bemused that a pedant would pick up on only one of the missing apostrophes.)

Alina, I think you win the forum for today

 

[ChuckWolf]

Great story, very nice job for your first story!

 

[ElectricBlue]

(Bemused that a pedant would pick up on only one of the missing apostrophes.)

Happy to be coal hauled for my inability to correct cut and paste errors, but hey, the OP now knows two tiny tiny mistakes not to make again. And how to snark.

 

[yukonnights]

I'm only a lesbian when the planets are in the right alignment, that's when all my Lesbian themed stories are written

As EB said, the writing is fine (could be nit-picked but this isn't the place for that). But it is just a short scene, and not technically a story. Just need to see more of the story to say anything specific on that. From the comment you left on the story, it does sound like you have more planned. Maybe let us know when it gets published. Welcome aboard, and hope you've found a rewarding new hobby here.

FYI; Just in case you don't know; If this is to be a multi-part style story, you can write all the parts and then submit them all on the same day. Lit will then publish them out every few days automatically. If you do plan on a multi-part story, remember that the stories must have the same exact title followed by the sequence numbers 01, 02, 03, 04, etc. (that may mean you need to submit an edit on Part 01 to add the "part 01" to it.)

Some authors find it easier to write the entire story first in "Parts" - some call them "Chapters". It helps some folks by allowing the author to chart the story arc and keep things straight or rework parts as the story unfolds in an unexpected way. However, IMO if a story isn't going to go over 4 or 5 Lit Screen pages then a multipart approach probably wouldn't be appropriate as that's pretty much a story that can be read in one sitting. Also, in case you don't already know; 1 Lit Screen is about 3750 words (once you publish a few, it may be helpful to translate that into kb for whatever program you're writing with.)