Just wanting curious as to what YOU think...

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Hello there everyone,

Well its my first time posting (yes a newbie! Run, run, run away with the masses! ) both on the Discussion Board and in the Story portion of Literotica. I just recently posted my first submission, All Work & No Play Ch. 1 and I have a couple of questions to ask the readers.

1) Do you think the first installment is worthwhile posting the continuation?

and...

2) Where abouts would you continue this story? (I mean location for the characters to be themselves.)

I like to write descriptive, teasing, arrousing stories, that keep you on the edge for a long while. My ideas were either the elevator ride down, cab ride and/or car ride to restaurant, or arrival at the restaurant itself.

I don't know if this is a normal question to ask here. I thought I might as well try anyhow! Take care, and keep writing wonderful stories everyone. They truly are a pleasure to read, AND Vote upon!

~ Rora

 

[damppanties]

Delicious!!

Hi Rora,

I'm writing this as I go through your story. Caught a mistake in the first line...

"Taking a long deep breathe you glance up at the clock..."
'breathe' should be 'breath'.

A small problem I'm having in the first paragraph itself. As the female character is narrating the story, then how would she know what the guy is doing behind a closed door before she enters the room?

The second paragraph was good in bits and pieces though I felt the description was too long. I especially liked "my lips curled into a smile...that smile being echoed in my deep grey eyes."

"Hearing a lil growl ..."
lil should be little. Please avoid using &, w/o and such short forms in a story.

I can see missing commas and such. Find a good editor who could eliminate all those grammatical mistakes.

"Going from being the tease to being completely and totally under your control in seconds. Hating it...and loving it all in the same breathe. "
Lovely lines, but breathe should be breath again.

"Voice trembling a bit, trying to make words out of her sex-orientated thoughts."
shouldn't it be 'trying to make words out of my sex-oriented thoughts.'?

Ok, I finished reading the story. It's delicious! Despite the small problems I pointed out in between, I loved it. I know most people here would be against the POV you used but it worked for me. Perhaps I identified with it...

You have a lovely style and some of the decriptions were really great.

To answer your questions:

1) Do you think the first installment is worthwhile posting the continuation?

Yes, yes, yes. I really want to see it go on from there.

2) Where abouts would you continue this story? (I mean location for the characters to be themselves.)

It's up to you but a small teasing dinner in the restaurant and a hot scene when they come back home?

Your ideas were nice but they would make the story unnecesaarily long. Keep it to managebale levels. Elevator ride down and cab ride and restaurant - no. And then I would like it to reach a conclusion soon.

So that's it from me, let me know (if and) when there is a continuation. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[Maskman]

You write like I do.

Sooo, you also suffer some of my issues, too. A bit much of the passive voice, maybe too many long compound sentences, and some long, blocky paragraphs.

Of course, I like it very much, but then, I would, wouldn't I?

damppanties' restaurant idea seems good to me. A little teasing under the table, a little heat above it, good food and wine, and maybe a quick duck under the table for desert..? A teasing after-dinner drive, maybe up to some lovers lane, where they can play at being carefree kids again; no work, just an evening's pleasure without a concern on the horizon?

Or, the hot scene back at home.

Or both!

So, yes, please continue!

Mm.



BTW: Nice profile!

 

[sirhugs]

You have the POV issue noted above, which is big- its jarring to the reader.

I would like more dialogue. It seems more natural- people talk. It also breaks up the run on sentences and paragraphs.

However, you bring a strong talent for description. I love stories where I mentally picture the events. Yours did that for me.

So, yes, more please!

I like the restaurant idea, but if they can't wait, how about the elevator?

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Oh my goodness, remind me not to post messages or threads when I am like half asleep!

Thank you all for your replies! The comments and critisms will hopefully help me to become a better writer.

I must admit that writing and posting this had not been in my plans, but after discovering I owed a favour, this was my payback. Posting was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I did attempt to have it edited by a couple individuals through the system at Literotica, but the emails that I randomly tried did not work. C'est la vie!

And yes, I know I tend to be "blabbly," in my works. I like to build and build and build and...(well you get the point) the tension, but I DO have to get to a climax eventually, or else it will just fizzle out. I realized that my POV was off, but if I spent time trying to fix it, I would never have actually had the guts to submit my work. Oh well, what is done is done!

Anyhow, I love the comments. Thank you very much. I shall see where my mind leads me next. And hopefully my fingers will stop automatically adding an "e" to breath.

~ Rora