just started writing again and would like some feedback

[desperaterambling]

Hello out there,

I just started writing again. I’m an amateur through and through. But I’d like to be brave and get some actual feedback should I wish to pursue this creative outlet (and that’s a big... Nay, huge IF). It would mean a lot if anyone could read and perhaps critique my writing. I apologize in advance if it’s shit. Here goes nothing:


[Content prohibited as per Forum Guidelines]

 

[ElectricBlue]

Make sure you have a copy of this content, as it will be removed by the Forum Mod.

Submit your story first, then start a thread here in Story Feedback with a link to it. The site policy is three paragraphs only in the Forums, where you are seeking help or feedback about something.

One thing - using "you" as your form of address, as you have done in the first piece, is a difficult choice. Many readers (I'm one) will immediately say, "No, I am not doing those things, I am not thinking those thoughts". It's better, many will say, to write strictly first person or third person narrative and avoid this form of address (which here becomes a strange second person /third person narrative).

You've not told any sort of a story in either piece, and they are muddled as to the intent. Step back from this and ask yourself, "What am I trying to say here?" because I'm afraid it's not very clear.

 

[desperaterambling]

Thank you for replying and for the feedback! It is duly noted!