Just So You Know

[AppleBiter]

Okay, okay. I was trying to kind of avoid telling everyone what was going on with me because A. I didn't want people to think I was fishing for sympathy (which I'm not) and B. I'm a private person. However, quite a few of you have noticed that I've been a little, mmmmm, how shall we say it? Angry, upset, vile . . whatever you want to say, the last few days. I've gotten quite a few PMs asking what's going on or what's wrong, which I was honestly a little surprised by because (not saying anything negative here), I usually come on and make odd comments here and there and no one really notices, so I didn't think anyone would notice now. Well, a lot of you have.

Sooooooo, first I want to preface what I'm about to say by saying I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not asking for people to say, "I'm so sorry" or to give their condolences. That's not why I'm writing this. I just want to let you know, so that you're aware of why I'm a little crazy right now. Just so you know. But, if you want to lend some words of support, I won't stop you, either. Support is certainly appreciated.

On June 8th, my older brother died as the result of a tragic accident. He was 30 years old. As many of you can understand, this has come as an enormous shock and the aftermath is bewildering. I'm also going to announce at this time that on April 19th, I found out that I was pregnant. I'm 4 months along.

If you believe in the "5 stages of grief," which I don't necessarily, I would be in the Anger stage. I'm just really, really pissed off and people that I've dealt with in my life have been less than helpful where that is concerned. I've had people tell me that it must be like losing a grandma. I've had them tell me that I'm going to lose my baby because I'm grieving for my brother. They've said that the strength of the emotions I'm feeling over his dying must be, in part, due to pregnancy hormones. The list goes on. In any event, I've had it with people and that's what most of my angry posts have been directed at.

So, now you know. Thanks for listening.

 

[carsonshepherd]

 

[Guest]

No platitudes or owt from me, simply a

 

[English Lady]

Applebiter - I'm glad you've shared. Be sure you know we're here for you, I know, for myself that my PM box has plenty of room for if you ever just want a chat.

 

[AchtungNight]

Sorry, man. Let me know if you need a shoulder on which to cry.

 

[TxRad]

I'll second ya carson.... you always seem to know exactly what to say.....

 

[logophile]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Apple.
And the timing of the pg must be so very hard to take.
I'm sure the more rational people in your life have assured you that you won't lose the baby because of this, and that your grief response is normal and not pg induced. In case no one has, please let me!
You have every right to be pissed about losing your brother. And I know that it's not like losing a grandparent. Or even a parent. It's not OK for other people to make it small for you when it's a very big thing.
You need to feel all of what you're feeling and let yourself live in it till you're ready not to. Good luck and much strength to on that path.
One small thing from the midwife - while it's true that your baby is physically fine during this period of time and in no danger, it's also true that all emotions are chemical and therefor they pass into the womb with baby. You can't (and shouldn't) change how you're feeling about any of it. But it's a good idea for the baby if you can find some time everyday and try to center yourself. Talk to the baby (you don't have to use your out loud voice, silent communication is fine) and tell him/her that you are sad (angry, frustrated, betrayed, etc) about your brother's death, but that it's not the baby's fault. Try to find a peaceful time and feel some positives so that the baby feels them too.

My heart is with you on this journey and if you need to talk, I'm here.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

One small thing from the midwife - while it's true that your baby is physically fine during this period of time and in no danger, it's also true that all emotions are chemical and therefor they pass into the womb with baby. Y

I'll second that... but I would also add (from the psychologist in me) that bottling up your grief would actually be worse for the little babe... and you... emotions come in waves... let them ebb and flow... whatever is, just is... grief isn't a bad feeling, it's just a feeling... the more you hold things back, the more likely you will have a tidal wave later...

and I'm so sorry for your loss...

 

[Recidiva]

I'm so sorry, Apple, first for your loss, and second that you would think I wouldn't notice you.

You're one of my favorite people.

I've lost a brother myself, check in any time.

 

[AppleBiter]

Thank you, Carson, Lou, EL, AchtungNight, TxRad, and Logo. Your support is deeply appreciated more than you know.

Logo -- Thankfully, my last OB appointment fell on the day before my brother's funeral, so I was able to explain what was going on and the nurse assured me that grief would not harm my baby. And, I got to hear the heartbeat, which was extra assurance and music to a mother-to-be's ears.

I understand what you're saying about my feelings and moods passing through to the baby, I just don't really know what to do about that. I have some zen moments during the day, but I also have my freaking out, crying fits and my times of anger-ridden tirades. Before my brother died, I was always concious about how important it was for me to maintain a positive mood and to adopt as little stress as possible, but now, that seems inevitable, no matter how I might try. Thank you for the tips (talking to the baby, etc.). I really appreciate it.

 

[AppleBiter]

I'm so sorry, Apple, first for your loss, and second that you would think I wouldn't notice you.

You're one of my favorite people.

I've lost a brother myself, check in any time.

Diva, you almost made me cry there . . but in a good way. (((hugs)))

 

[Guest]

No loss you feel is slight. I'll divert any sympathy into thinking positively for you, that your pregnancy will be without problems, that you will find peace eventually with the loss of your brother, and that you will be back making your odd comments and observations soon.

 

[AppleBiter]

I'll second that... but I would also add (from the psychologist in me) that bottling up your grief would actually be worse for the little babe... and you... emotions come in waves... let them ebb and flow... whatever is, just is... grief isn't a bad feeling, it's just a feeling... the more you hold things back, the more likely you will have a tidal wave later...

and I'm so sorry for your loss...

That seems to be a paradox . . passing emotions through vs. bottling them for the sake of the baby. Which is better, which is worse. I dont' know. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[AppleBiter]

No loss you feel is slight. I'll divert any sympathy into thinking positively for you, that your pregnancy will be without problems, that you will find peace eventually with the loss of your brother, and that you will be back making your odd comments and observations soon.

Thank you, love.

 

[Recidiva]

Diva, you almost made me cry there . . but in a good way. (((hugs)))

Flurry of hugs coming your way.

If you haven't dealt with death, it's not what you think it is, is about the only way I can describe it.

Don't expect life to follow the same rules for a bit.

 

[AppleBiter]

Flurry of hugs coming your way.

If you haven't dealt with death, it's not what you think it is, is about the only way I can describe it.

Don't expect life to follow the same rules for a bit.

I'm actually what a shrink once described to me as "overexposed" to death. I've dealt with it a lot, but this is, of course, a loss of a magnitude of which I've not yet had to deal with. Thank you for the wisdom.

 

[FallingToFly]

I'm hoping for the best for you and your little one. No words can express adequate sympathy- but I hope you feel the love and support nonetheless.

 

[AppleBiter]

I'm hoping for the best for you and your little one. No words can express adequate sympathy- but I hope you feel the love and support nonetheless.

Thank you. Love and support are always welcome and much appreciated.

 

[Guest]

 

[Selena_Kitt]

That seems to be a paradox . . passing emotions through vs. bottling them for the sake of the baby. Which is better, which is worse. I dont' know. Thank you for your kind words.

not really a paradox... I agree with finding time for yourself everyday just to connect with the baby, breathe deep and send some positive energy to your womb... but grief isn't a "bad" emotion, either... as long as you let it flow... I think bottling it up would be far worse...

what is, is... just feel it...

 

[Aurora Black]

Apple, you know how I feel. If not, I won't hesitate to tell you again.

 

[AppleBiter]

Jammies -- Thank you, sweets.

SK -- I'm afraid that you and I will have to agree to disagree on what constitutes as a paradox in this situation. But, thank you for clearing some things up.

'Rora -- Yes, I know, love . . and once again, thank you.

 

[S-Des]

My thoughts are with you.

Me as well.

 

[AppleBiter]

Me as well.

Many thanks.

 

[rgraham666]

Adding my *HUGS* as well, Apple.