Just posted my first story.
- Thread starter usmcordie
- Start date
Alex756
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2002
- Posts
- 693
Two areas where I think some added work would help your stories
A> comma usage:
You seem to be setting up a flowing relaxed setting in the beginning of this piece, except there are several commas missing. I would recomend either running it through a grammar checker (if you have it run through one try a more difficult setting) , or reading it outloud. Perferably both would catch most missing pauses.
B> Names
In the 4th Paragraph where we suddenly find out Kim's name it seemed rather jarring, at least to me. Of course we do need to know her name since pronouns would not work in the second half.
Also in the section where the other girls name is revealed it seems odd (at least to me) that it wasn't sooner in the paragraph
Otherwise I did find the flow and mood of the story to be very nice
Just two little suggestions to think about.
~alex756~
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=177120
A> comma usage:
You seem to be setting up a flowing relaxed setting in the beginning of this piece, except there are several commas missing. I would recomend either running it through a grammar checker (if you have it run through one try a more difficult setting) , or reading it outloud. Perferably both would catch most missing pauses.
B> Names
In the 4th Paragraph where we suddenly find out Kim's name it seemed rather jarring, at least to me. Of course we do need to know her name since pronouns would not work in the second half.
Also in the section where the other girls name is revealed it seems odd (at least to me) that it wasn't sooner in the paragraph
Otherwise I did find the flow and mood of the story to be very nice
Just two little suggestions to think about.~alex756~
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=177120
Similar threads
