Just posted my first story ! I'm looking for any type of feedback on it, and try to use to improve my writing skills. [Romance]

[Dusty_writer]

Hi ! So as the title stated, I just posted my first story. Technically, It's the second story I posted, but the first one was just an older version of that same story where I felt stuck after the second chapter. So after a few months, I came back, and started fresh. (If you want to also read the older version, feel free to ask me, I still have it lying around somewhere). Also, it's not the story as a whole, just the first chapter. I have many, many more planned.

Anyway, that story is probably pretty ambitious for a first time writer, maybe a bit too much. But that's what I wanted to write and how I wanted to write it, so I gave it a go anyway. The plot is a "friend to lover" story, with a bit more to it than just that.

As for the writing in itself, English is not my native langage. I did my best to catch all the typos and other mistake I could, but some might have still slipped by.

(Edit) : For a short summary, the story is about two friend that didn't see each other for a few years that end up living under the same roof. At the start, it's supposed to be a temporary solution to her situation, but it quickly become much, much more than that.
As the title might suggest, Ch.01 cover the phone call that would end up changing everthing, and that sets Jesse and Chloe on a path that will lead them to become each other's home.


I would appreciate any feedback you would like to give me, and hear (or read) any advice you could have ! Thank you very much for you time, and have a great day !

Link --> https://www.literotica.com/s/wait-and-hope-ch-01-the-call-1

 

[annabellebrito]

You could at least write a simple summary of what the story is about to entice us

 

[Dusty_writer]

You could at least write a simple summary of what the story is about to entice us

Yup, I should have tought of it, sorry about that. I edited it in, thank you !

 

[PrimalDual]

I skimmed through, as this genre is not really my usual choice. Then I came back to read your post in detail. English not being your first language hadn't even occurred to me until then. So, good job on the mechanics of writing the story, at least!

Have you considered enlisting the help of one of the editors at this site? Free of charge (you get what you pay for!), and they might have really good suggestions. I got good advice a couple of years ago in this way - advice that I frequently ignore because that's the kind of person I am, LOL.

 

[Noks]

Getting 12 followers in 24 hours is definitely a good sign. They want more.

 

[Dusty_writer]

I skimmed through, as this genre is not really my usual choice. Then I came back to read your post in detail. English not being your first language hadn't even occurred to me until then. So, good job on the mechanics of writing the story, at least!

Have you considered enlisting the help of one of the editors at this site? Free of charge (you get what you pay for!), and they might have really good suggestions. I got good advice a couple of years ago in this way - advice that I frequently ignore because that's the kind of person I am, LOL.

I did not ! Definitly will look into it for the next chapters tho ! Thank you !

 

[lovecraft68]

I think the issue people will have is wanting a bit more to happen. I think the set up for the premise is a good one, but its only one page and maybe you could have at least gotten to where Jessie meets up with Chloe.

One thing I was a little confused on is when he's on the phone its mentioned he stayed silent as she told her story, but all we get is the parents kicked her out. It seemed to me she was saying more, but you weren't sharing that with the reader? Am I just not understanding it correctly?

I didn't notice ESL being an issue, I didn't see anything that would make me think that.

What you wrote has me wondering what Chloe's story is going to be, and that's a good thing as it drew me in.

Being romance the fact there is no sex might not hurt it that much, but being that brief might, so my only real critique is I would have advanced it a bit more in the opening chapter.

All in all, a god start, keep it going

 

[Dusty_writer]

I think the issue people will have is wanting a bit more to happen. I think the set up for the premise is a good one, but its only one page and maybe you could have at least gotten to where Jessie meets up with Chloe.

One thing I was a little confused on is when he's on the phone its mentioned he stayed silent as she told her story, but all we get is the parents kicked her out. It seemed to me she was saying more, but you weren't sharing that with the reader? Am I just not understanding it correctly?

I didn't notice ESL being an issue, I didn't see anything that would make me think that.

What you wrote has me wondering what Chloe's story is going to be, and that's a good thing as it drew me in.

Being romance the fact there is no sex might not hurt it that much, but being that brief might, so my only real critique is I would have advanced it a bit more in the opening chapter.

All in all, a god start, keep it going

Thank you very much for you detailed feedback !

As for you confusion, I can see where it comes from. Chloe's backstory has been... A major point of debate with myself on how to treat it and where to put it. At first, she told most of it over the phone, but for reasons I removed it and put it a few chapters later (mainly, ch. 04). As it would seem, there still a few lines of dialogue from that first version... Oh well, I'l be more carefull next time.

Would you recommend any other categories ? I didn't really know where else to put it...
Also, the original version had them meet up, but I found it a bit too long so that part moved to chapter two (wich ended up much much longer than excepted. I can now see why that wasn't the brightest of moves, so thank you very much for bringing my attention toward that issue.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thank you very much for you detailed feedback !

As for you confusion, I can see where it comes from. Chloe's backstory has been... A major point of debate with myself on how to treat it and where to put it. At first, she told most of it over the phone, but for reasons I removed it and put it a few chapters later (mainly, ch. 04). As it would seem, there still a few lines of dialogue from that first version... Oh well, I'l be more carefull next time.

Would you recommend any other categories ? I didn't really know where else to put it...
Also, the original version had them meet up, but I found it a bit too long so that part moved to chapter two (wich ended up much much longer than excepted. I can now see why that wasn't the brightest of moves, so thank you very much for bringing my attention toward that issue.

On category, I don't know where the story is going, but my guess is the childhood friends eventually fall in love in which case romance is fine, especially if you want to go light on the sex in some installments.

I feel you're over thinking it in the way you describe shuffling things around. My suggestion is to if not finish it, at least get to the point you are sure of the path you want it to follow, because you see what happens here when you plucked something out, but left enough to cause confusion.

Take your time, you're new to this and worst thing you can do is rush yourself. We also learn as we go and you learned something here and will know better next time out.

Just relax and let it happen.

 

[Dusty_writer]

On category, I don't know where the story is going, but my guess is the childhood friends eventually fall in love in which case romance is fine, especially if you want to go light on the sex in some installments.

I feel you're over thinking it in the way you describe shuffling things around. My suggestion is to if not finish it, at least get to the point you are sure of the path you want it to follow, because you see what happens here when you plucked something out, but left enough to cause confusion.

Take your time, you're new to this and worst thing you can do is rush yourself. We also learn as we go and you learned something here and will know better next time out.

Just relax and let it happen.

Yes, there won't be sex in all chapters. I don't plan on there being any for a while, and after that maybe every few chapters. So Romance it is

I'l try to keep that in mind for the next chapters ! Apart from the first one, the others I'v written so far are pretty clearly defined (or at least I think so). But past them, I'l be sure to to keep your advice close by when planning the cutting point between chapters. Thank you very much !

Thank you very much for you advices ! And for you time too, that's very nice of you!

 

[filthytrancendence]

Hey! Congrats on posting your first.

Highly recommend you find an editor to work with. The main grammatical problem I see is the tense jumping around. But you also have a habit of writing long, repetitive sentences.

I picked one at random by way of example:

As I'm still trying to figure that out, I'm again stopped by the same buzzing against my leg, this time somehow even more insistent.

There's about 3 different ways of saying the same thing (still, again, same, this time) and it makes it awkward to read. My edit would be something like:

As I'm trying to figure that out, I'm interrupted by the same buzzing. Somehow, it feels more insistent.

The reader knows this is the second time it's happened. To me it comes across heavy-handed to state that outright at all, let alone several times in once sentence.

Anyway, that's mostly meant as an illustration of why you might want to work with an editor. But the most important thing is to keep going, learn from what you like and don't like, and take the useful feedback you get and leave the rest.

 

[Dusty_writer]

Hey! Congrats on posting your first.

Highly recommend you find an editor to work with. The main grammatical problem I see is the tense jumping around. But you also have a habit of writing long, repetitive sentences.

I picked one at random by way of example:



There's about 3 different ways of saying the same thing (still, again, same, this time) and it makes it awkward to read. My edit would be something like:



The reader knows this is the second time it's happened. To me it comes across heavy-handed to state that outright at all, let alone several times in once sentence.

Anyway, that's mostly meant as an illustration of why you might want to work with an editor. But the most important thing is to keep going, learn from what you like and don't like, and take the useful feedback you get and leave the rest.

Someone else already suggested working with an editor, so that's something I will definitely do! In any case, thank you for taking the time to read my story and give me feedback!

 

[SkyBubble]

Hi ! So as the title stated, I just posted my first story. Technically, It's the second story I posted, but the first one was just an older version of that same story where I felt stuck after the second chapter. So after a few months, I came back, and started fresh. (If you want to also read the older version, feel free to ask me, I still have it lying around somewhere). Also, it's not the story as a whole, just the first chapter. I have many, many more planned.

Anyway, that story is probably pretty ambitious for a first time writer, maybe a bit too much. But that's what I wanted to write and how I wanted to write it, so I gave it a go anyway. The plot is a "friend to lover" story, with a bit more to it than just that.

As for the writing in itself, English is not my native langage. I did my best to catch all the typos and other mistake I could, but some might have still slipped by.

(Edit) : For a short summary, the story is about two friend that didn't see each other for a few years that end up living under the same roof. At the start, it's supposed to be a temporary solution to her situation, but it quickly become much, much more than that.
As the title might suggest, Ch.01 cover the phone call that would end up changing everthing, and that sets Jesse and Chloe on a path that will lead them to become each other's home.


I would appreciate any feedback you would like to give me, and hear (or read) any advice you could have ! Thank you very much for you time, and have a great day !

Link --> https://www.literotica.com/s/wait-and-hope-ch-01-the-call-1

When you write, "Looking back, they didn't want to leave much more than I did" do you mean that they wanted to leave even less? They wanted to stay even more? The way it's written sounds like, well, someone whose first language isn't English. No criticism. I just think that could be made clearer.

 

[SkyBubble]

"Both of my friend" should be plural -- friends. Both is plural, friend is singular.

"She takes a pause" -- first of all, as someone else pointed out, you're switching between the past and present tenses. Second, "she pauses" (or "paused," if you're using past tense) is more natural, more native-sounding.

"But the truth is that Chloe's situation was also getting to me: as this conversation goes on, the knot in my stomach is almost getting painful" starts out in the past tense (was also getting to me) but switches mid-sentence into the present tense (is almost getting painful.) Stick to one or the other.

"You good, bro? You seem a little... Shaken?" Ask Thomas, feeling that something isn't right should be either asked or asks (depending on which tense you want to use) and one sentence, not two.

"And to say that we didn't even hear each other's voice for years." This sentence needs rewriting for clarity. What are you trying to say here?

Sorry -- I was an English major and I think all of us English majors have a little bit of English teacher in us somewhere.