Just posted my first story and would love some feedback

[AdultCartoons]

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-neighbor-47

Here’s the link to my first story, please give me feedback. I’m working on the next chapter now!

 

[8letters]

Comments:
* Your writing is very solid. No obvious errors and it was easy to follow
* The story is too short. One page stories have the lowest rating and getting the fewest comments
* If you're writing a series, you can have chapters in the middle without sex. But I found it frustrating that the story ended when it did
* Edith Bunker? Is this the Edith Bunker from "All In The Family"? Not exactly someone I find sexy. I think the story would have been better if she had a different name
* You do little to sell the attraction of Edith to Albert. There's not a lot of conversation. You don't describe what Edith looks like or what she's wearing
* This might be just a style preference, but I think it would have been better without the first paragraph. Start the story with Albert introducing himself, have a "then time passed" transition, and then get into your main scene. Or you could have just gone with the main scene and worked everything that came before it in as back story

 

[Jada59]

Good but short and I couldn't get over the Edith Bunker thing.

 

[ChasingAnna]

Good but short and I couldn't get over the Edith Bunker thing.

Married to Archie. Playing the piano. Yeah, it's rule 34.

 

[KentScribe]

Restructuring?

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-neighbor-47

Here’s the link to my first story, please give me feedback. I’m working on the next chapter now!

Just a thought, but perhaps some issues with the beginning (repetition of words, pacing and orientation) might have been eased if, say, the story began in the present day with Albert approaching the house with the flowers. Then after she opes the door, a line to cover the flashback to the day they met, in a sort of "How did we get here?"-approach.

Something like that might add a layer of frisson to the expository passage, which currently is a little disorientating in skipping so much time while proceeding in a linear fashion?

 

[NoJo]

Your writing is clear and very readable.

The biggest problem I had with the story is that it ends too abruptly (perhaps you were too eager to submit the story?)

This line jarred:
Twenty three year old Albert was walking outside early one Saturday morning to get the newspaper.

As 8letters said, the flashback isn't introduced properly. And is it necessary to add "outside" to the sentence? More importantly, show, don't tell, Albert's age. If you write the characters properly, precise ages shouldn't come into it: Things like "even though she was about twice my age", or "I'd just finished my medical undergrad studies" would be better.

"This continued for a year and they had slowly become fast friends."

This, again, needs to be shown, not told: Better would be to provide one or two episodes to show their increasing intimacy and friendship.