Just looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticsm

[mrs_juicypuss]

Hi all!

After many a night of getting the goods from my husband, I am tempted to write about it. Usually I'm left to praise him on how fantastic he is...and to fantasize until the next time I thought that the site might be a good outlet for me.

I am a technical writer and therefore am not good at "telling stories". I've never been that great at it, even relaying a story verbally! So, here goes. Please let me know what you think and be honest but not mean, please?
************************************************************

Last night, my husband spent a glorious 45 minutes eating my pussy. He absolutely craves it and cannot get enough of it. After rubbing on my 34DD breasts, sucking and nibbling at my nipples, caressing the right one while he flicks his tongue across the left...He asked if he could taste my pussy and if I would lie there and take it, instead of rushing to cum. He turned me over, licking around my thighs, teasing my clit with flicks of his tongue, and then he dove right in. He fucks me with his tongue, long, hard strokes of my pussy walls. He plays with my clit for what seems like hours, and when he's ready to feel me cum all over his face, he grabs hold of my clit between his lips and sucks and slurps at it until I'm screaming and squirting warm cum everywhere.

Then, he climbs on top of me, pushing his thick dick past my sensitive walls and I'm quivering, wanting to cum for him again. He fucks me so good! I love that shit! And when he slaps my ass, I know what time it is. It's time for me to get on that thick ass dick of his and RIDE. I start out slow, really working my hips, feeling his dick go deep. Then I hold his hands down, not allowing him to move and I ride that shit hard. Bucking and moving up and down, forcing his dick in and out of my pussy. When I'm ready for him to cum for me, I start grinding it, moving in a circle, working my hips on his dick. And last night, when I felt his balls tighten and his legs lock, I jumped off and let all that hot thick cum slide all over my lips and tongue, and down my throat.

 

[joeroberts]

One way is just to imagine yourself telling yarns in a bar when you're three sheets in the wind, but not half seas over, in other words not completely pissed, just half shot and talkative. Places like that are also good for developing your dialogue and dialect skills. There's also a great fund of stories to be heard in them, if you can only hold your liquor long enough to remember 'em!

Another way, which I sometimes use, is to take a really hot (I'm assuming sexual) experience in your case, then write about it as though it had happened to someone else while you were watching. That changes the perspective, allowing you to write in bits for example, that you wish had happened, yet so far have not.

If you are with me so far, there is the question of do you want to write erotica or porn? They tell me around here that I can ALMOST write erotica so I mightn't be the best person to give advice, but, for what it's worth, (or so it seems to me) erotica is more suggestive, that is, it describes scenes of lovemaking in such a way that its readers supply the details rather than the author.

Whereas porn is much more descriptive, sometimes anatomically so. To use art for a comparison, if you look at some of Frangonard's paintings, they would be visual erotica. Same with some Reubens. If you look at the centrefold of a modern day stickbook, that's porn, because you don't have to imagine anything.

As to what you have so far written, it's porn. Nothing wrong with that per se, but at my kindest, it will need a lot of work. There's a little problem, in that while YOU the female, certainly "COME," you don't produce "CUM." You also mix tenses, that is, you start off past tense in the first paragraph, and you shift to the present in the second. (Oh, OK, I did that in my second story too, and got bombed for it, because I didn't get my intended effect quite right) but the point is, it's a damn difficult thing to do well.

For a beginner the best thing is to pick a tense and stick to it throughout the story. In your case, present tense would probably work very well. My suggestion would be to think about what actually happens during a sex act, list it all, then, if you want to write erotica, sketch in a setting, develop your characters and write the story, being as suggestive about certain things as you can be. Reading your story aloud to yourself is a good idea here.

If you want to write porn, then go the more direct route (winks).

Hope this helps
Regards,
Joe

 

[Darkniciad]

For the tone of what you're writing, which is indeed stroke, "cum" is just as acceptable as "come". If you're more comfortable with what is now the more mainstream spelling for stroke fare/porn/whatever you wish to call it, then that's how you should go.

Just be aware that you're going to run into some problems when you start trying to conjugate it as a verb *laugh*

"I couldn't count the number of times I..."

Cummed? You see what I mean.

I'll have to disagree with the previous poster about the squirting cum as well. Female ejaculation is widely accepted by stroke readers without batting an eyelash. While there may be debate about the reality of it, fantasy is what stroke readers are looking for, anyway. ( Within reason )

The main problem is that there isn't enough description. When the sex is the only thing to the story, you really have to bring out the details. Get into the sights, scents, sounds, and sensations. That will give the strokers something to build up with for the ultimate climax.

A little dialogue couldn't hurt, either. Even if it's just a few "Oh god" exclamations ( try not to overdo the exclamation points or draw out the words too much. Even a lot of stroke readers find that cliche ) it will help break up the story a little bit. As it is, everything is rammed into those two paragraphs. It's too quick to get a good jack or jill on.

Leaning away from exact dimensions ( bra sizes, cock length, etc. ) has several merits. Many readers consider it amateurish. Finding other ways to get the description across builds your writing skills. Giving exact dimensions keeps a lot of readers from putting themselves in the place of your characters if the descriptions don't match. ( Although, there are some readers who want a police description. Those who complain about it seem to be louder, though )

The tense hopping is also quite distracting, as mentioned by the previous poster.

 

[PennLady]

From my own, small experience writing stroke stories (Island Encounter and In the Red Parlor), what you have there is a good start, but not enough. Many of the comments I got approved of the sex, but wanted more -- more background on both setting and characters, especially on Red Parlor.

I echo what the others have said about verb tense -- please pick one and stick to it, and for this story I'd advise just the straight past tense.

Personally, statements like "he/she loves to [oral sex act]" make me roll my eyes. It's lazy, and it makes the narrator (since you're doing this in first person) sound pretty egotistical. For me it would go over better to draw that out and if you want want to stay with the guy loving it, go with perhaps a description of how the guy asked/coaxed/etc. the woman to let him do it. She can play coy and then give in, or be genuinely surprised by how much he wants it, either way.

Dialogue would help as well, as someone pointed out. There doesn't have to be a lot, and it doesn't have to be a lot of orgasmic exclamations. There could be some dirty and/or romantic talk, both would be fine.

Descriptions of settings, sounds and smells help as well. I remember reading an article about a woman who temporarily lost her sense of smell b/c of Zicam, and one of the things she said was hard was sex. She had never known before how important the sense of smell was there.

I'm with the others on physical descriptions. Most people have no idea of what size a 34C is or how long a dick is/should be. I think it's better to give general descriptions and let the reader fill in as they like.

Hope that helped.

 

[joeroberts]

Hi all!

After many a night of getting the goods from my husband, I am tempted to write about it. Usually I'm left to praise him on how fantastic he is...and to fantasize until the next time I thought that the site might be a good outlet for me.



Last night, my husband spent a glorious 45 minutes eating my pussy. He absolutely craves it and cannot get enough of it. After rubbing on my 34DD breasts, sucking and nibbling at my nipples, caressing the right one while he flicks his tongue across the left...He asked if he could taste my pussy and if I would lie there and take it, instead of rushing to cum. He turned me over, licking around my thighs, teasing my clit with flicks of his tongue, and then he dove right in. He fucks me with his tongue, long, hard strokes of my pussy walls. He plays with my clit for what seems like hours, and when he's ready to feel me cum all over his face, he grabs hold of my clit between his lips and sucks and slurps at it until I'm screaming and squirting warm cum everywhere.

Okay, as I said, that's porn, and again, nowt wrong with that, if that's what you want to write. However, to show you an example of erotica, I wrote this scene for a story of mine. The male is an 18 year old virgin (antediluvian I know, but the story was set in 1970) and the female a 40 year old very experienced woman, bit of a using bitch of a battleaxe actually. Part of it appears here in the Stories section, and part of it was added by me in a recent rewrite:

When my Tee shirt comes off, she almost worships my pecs and washboard abs, licking, kissing and nibbling every front bit while her hands and fingers wander all over my back. "Leave your jeans on for now."

She shows me how to take off her bra as she gives me another full kiss, moves on to show just how to kiss and fondle her tits, "Always keep an eye on the nipples, when a woman's nipples go hard, that's a sign you're doing it right." The way hers are, she'll have one or other of my eyes out if she's not careful.

She stands up, slowly sliding her pants down, making me wait for every inch. Steps out of them and eases her bikinis down, revealing that she's shaved herself like a French tart, laughing lustily at my goggle eyes, allowing my hands to wander up and down and in between her engine turned legs. As my hands clasp her firm athlete's behind and I make some clumsy attempts at kissing and licking her vaginal lips, I feel her hands caress and tousle my hair.

"No no no, let me show you a much better way."

Then she's lying on the bed, knees drawn up, her bottom resting on a pillow, my head between her legs, with her explaining just where she wants my tongue and my lips, how to keep The Little Man in the Boat happy and all that gubbins. I know I've got that right when her crotch slams wetly into my face and she sinks back with a long drawn out contented sigh.

"Aye-eee, you just gave me an orgasm. I don't know whether that's beginner's luck or what, so stand up so I can take your jeans and undies off. Slowly."

Which she does, slowly-so-I-can-see-what-I'm-getting Sandra. Undoes my belt, undoes my waistband, unzips me with her teeth. Slides my jeans down leisurely while her fingernails send thrilling frissons down the outside and front of my thighs, as she kisses and licks their insides. All the way down. Comes back to my briefs, uses her teeth and hands to slide them down too, Jesus creepin' Christ slow, pausing every now and then to explain this or that. Sexy light years ahead of Basic Biology!

(OK, oy vay already they tell you to go easy on the adverbs, but bugger 'em, is it them telling this story or me?)

Points to note.

Firstly, I don't mention time, I let the word picture itself give some idea of the time involved, or better still, let the readers work it out for themselves, if they care to. The main thing is to draw the picture so they get it, then their minds can get to work on it just as pre-schoolers would with a colouring-in book.

Secondly, I don't mention sizes whether of bras or bits of male external plumbing. Again, with erotica, let the readers supply their own details. Also, as I'd already supplied readers with a description of Sandra earlier, albeit not a Most Wanted poster one, they should have a good idea what she looks like. I should hope so anyway. Same with the male character.

Thirdly, note the use of dialogue. In this case not just to break up the action a bit, but to keep Sandra in character. She is a schoolteacher turned private tutor, and you know what schoolteachers are like, can't resist teaching, can they?

Fourthly, always try to use a bit of wry humour in erotica, wherever you can. Always helps if readers can get a bit of a laugh, eh?

Fifthly, and please don't think I'm trying to scare you, or God forbid talk down to you, but this kind of writing isn't all beer and skittles, it's hard work, a shitload of hard work in fact. But very satisfying if you get it right, which I'll be the first to admit I don't, not always.

Happy writing!
Regards,
Joe

 

[quietguy78]

You should tell it like it is happenning to you at that moment. Try to pretend that the reader is can't see and in order for us to to enjoy and get the full story you need to explain everysmall detial.... How did he eat your pussy? There needs to be a high level of detail. You should try to make it feel real for the reader. Keep writing!!!!!!!!

 

[estragon]

You Asked For It, You Got It

As Toyota used to say before the recalls and the fines.

My reaction to “34DD breasts” is uh oh, another size queen. I feel like sales staff at Brasmyth (what a great job, until you have to tell the lady she should be in a 32C). Leave off the statistics, give us words. "My udders", "my jiggling boobies", "my chesty pullers" (Chesty Puller was a USMC general, by the way; what a great cognomen!).


“He turned me over….” If he was just sucking your breasts, he was at your front. If he had to turn you over to get to your clitoris, you are an anatomic challenge. If you're really built this way, your clit must rival the Mackinac Bridge. Lady, I gotta see this!

“then he dove right in. He fucks me with his tongue” Why the change in tense from past to present? There's the signpost right ahead. You're in the Twilight Zone!

“Then, he climbs on top of me, pushing his thick dick past my sensitive walls and I'm quivering, wanting to cum for him again. He fucks me so good! I love that shit!” Rear entry? Front entry? Not that it matters, but I’m confused.

“When I'm ready for him to cum for me, I start grinding it, moving in a circle, working my hips on his dick. And last night, when I felt his balls tighten and his legs lock, I jumped off and let all that hot thick cum slide all over my lips and tongue, and down my throat.” Change in tense again. I can understand losing English when fucking, but when writing about fucking "it’s all coming back to me now.”

Finally, I must quote joeroberts. Cut and paste this onto a new page in your WP, and print it out and stick it right over your computer screen: Bugger 'em, is it them telling this story or me?!