just curious

[playinpussy]

i have been wondering about the online relationships of a dom and there sub, just wondering how it works. how do you know that your sub is doing what you requested of them. would it just strictly be on trust? do you ever meet the person or is it strictly an online thing?

 

[SubKekiLee]

Online relationships

i have been wondering about the online relationships of a dom and there sub, just wondering how it works. how do you know that your sub is doing what you requested of them. would it just strictly be on trust? do you ever meet the person or is it strictly an online thing?

Well for me I do see mine IRL a few times but alot of the times it is an online/phone/email type of relationship.. For me , he has me do the things he has instructed and I have to send him an email detailing out what is going on and how it happend and etc and send proof.... but thats how ours works.. there are lots to do with trust ....

 

[Puman]

Well for me I do see mine IRL a few times but alot of the times it is an online/phone/email type of relationship.. For me , he has me do the things he has instructed and I have to send him an email detailing out what is going on and how it happend and etc and send proof.... but thats how ours works.. there are lots to do with trust ....

I hven't met my Sir yet, so I guess our relationship is purely 'online' and 'by phone'. I usually send email reports or photos...

 

[ecstaticsub]

Trust is everything. Our relationship started as on-line and we see each other in real life but not as often as we would like. I have never had to send proof pics though I have sometimes just for fun. I do not have the ability to lie, especially to him. More importantly why would I? What would be the purpose in pretending to submit? I choose to be a submissive because I wanted to submit and obey. I personally don't think I could do just an on-line relationship. As it is I get way too frustrated if too much time goes by between visits.

 

[myinnerslut]

A and i are a RL couple that gets seperated for months at a time due to school. when we are LDR, its based on trust. i send him pictures every day, but not of proof of my assignments, just becuase he wants to see what i am wearing. if he tells me to do something,hes going to believe me without worrying if im llying when i tell him i did it. if i ever do something wrong while away, like sleeping with my collar on ( a big no since we dont want the chain to break in my sleep), i tell him first chance i get. i feel too guilty otherwise.

 

[Little_Kitten]

For me it's all trust and desire to please.... but it's not like I really get alot of tasks online. Rather save that for RL when that happens. It's... just not the same online... *longing sigh*

I will be seeing him very soon though Can't wait.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

It's all about trust and faith and all the other intangibles. Years ago I had a very satisfying and hot LDR relationship (we would call each other all during the day and night). Unfortunately she was married and chose to put all her efforts back into her marriage (I couldn't blame her but miss her still to this day).

Since coming to Lit, I've been fortunate enough to make some good friends, but there haven't been any relationships of a romantic nature formed (not that I'm looking for one ).

 

[AndrewKay]

online play

At the online or phone stage, I think disobedience is not a serious worry for a Dom/Domme. Like others said, there is a level of trust that develops as both people get intimate, that I think would make mistrust of continual disobedience a rare concern.

Also, despite what Dom/Dommes say about always being in control, the truth is a sub is probably going to feel out the field to find a proper Dom. If things are to the point of needing to fake or lie on a consant basis, there is an unwillingness on the part of the sub to partake in being a sub, at least to this particular Dom/Domme. With the freedom to disappear and appear on the net, and with the distance and potential easy detachment in an online relationship, why would the sub help to perpetuate such a situation that is obviously unsatisfactory.

And as for the Dom/Domme in question, I think the only subs that would cause potential problems are those that are simply investigating the lifestyle, and are not genuinely aware of their submissiveness or lack thereof. My belief is that such a situation can be detected quite easily by an experience Dom/Domme, and can be avoided, or alternately a resourceful Dom/Domme may help to redirect a sub to better understand his/her sub instincts.

 

[BiBunny]

My someone special and I aren't really long-distance, but we're far enough apart that it's not convenient to see each other every day (an hour and a half to two hours, depending on traffic). We do a lot of talking online because I'm not a phone person at all, and he gets annoyed with me when he does all the talking on the phone, while I sit there and say, "Uh-huh. Yes. No. I don't know. Maybe. Uh-huh. Uh-uh." I'm much more eloquent face-to-face or in writing.

Anyway, our relationship's not really an online one. He hardly ever "orders" me to do anything when he's not around. If he does, it's a webcam play situation, so he watches everything I do. (Why am I embarrassed to admit that I cam with him sometimes? God, almost everyone does it. I have no trouble whatsoever talking about all the crazy, kinky things I do, but the thought of admitting that I do webcam shows for the love of my life makes me blush. I really AM a dork.) When I'm in an attention whore mood, he'll tell me to sleep with my hands and feet bound together and blindfolded, but he doesn't require any "proof" because he knows I'll do it because it makes me feel safe, and, therefore, helps me sleep better.

The point of this long, rambly post is that we usually just avoid the issue. I do things for him when I'm with him, and pretty much the rest of the time, I do as I please. He doesn't care about controlling my every move, and I don't need a babysitter. I think it works out well for us.

 

[denalirayne]

ummm -- - so on that note, if the sub doesn't do as asked, what are the online punishments? give yourself 10 lashes? write a letter of apology?

i don't quite think i understand the energy involved with online dom/sub relationships.

more clarity would be helpful for me, thanks.

 

[Softouch911]

It is very difficult.

It is highly individualized within a relationship.

As your question implies, it is easily abused, misused, subject to cheating ... thus everyone pointing out that trust is everything.

I did it for ten months. In the process, I finished a divorce that I'd begun before the online thing began. So did she. We each moved 500+ miles to live together and still do.

It's insane. She's demented. We're where we were meant to be. It couldn't have been any other way.

If you want it to make sense, you'll need to try something else cause I've never heard an explanation of this that does. Loads of these efforts fail -- not hard at all to see a thousand reasons why that could happen. The surprise is in how many succeed and go on to RL. And how many are happy with what they have online. It is what it is.

Nonsense. But I mean that in the very best sense of the word.

ST

 

[HottieMama]

ummm -- - so on that note, if the sub doesn't do as asked, what are the online punishments? give yourself 10 lashes? write a letter of apology?

i don't quite think i understand the energy involved with online dom/sub relationships.

more clarity would be helpful for me, thanks.

As to what the punishments or discipline is, i think that depends on the individual couple, just like IRL. For example, 10 lashes no matter if they were self-imposed or not would NOT be a punishment for me, but there are other things that may seem "harmless" to some but would really upset me. (No phone calls for a certain period of time, for example.)

 

[AndrewKay]

hello

I think others will agree with me on this that if things develop to where one is giving assignments online, and the other is saying, "Yes Master," these is a level of agreement about what both people want.

I would think it very rare for any self-proclaimed sub to have a motive to agree to a situation where s/he is taking orders, is agreeing to do them, but is not doing them, and subsequently lying about the episode. Besides in the case when journalists, writers, or just curious individuals are looking to mess around (to try to understand BDSM, or for some other kicks), where is the profit? The ones that want a laugh would probably play Dom/Domme and not last long because they tend to not know what they are doing. Same goes for any other fakes that are just playing along to probe information.

It takes time to not send off alarms of being a dabbler, or a fake. What does a sub or a fake sub get out of putting in so much time to play a role s/he does not want to play.

Fakes and tyros aside, a real sub might have reason not to take an assignment. I believe these things actually do happen now and again where a sub might lie. However, I think these are cases when boundary conditions were not properly agreed upon.

If boundary conditions are agreed upon, there would be no motive for the sub to not submit to a request as a part of him/her WANTS to be used in any way within the agreed upon bounds. The specific request may be something at first taste offputting, confusing, tedious, or tiresome-- and the sub may have an inner dialogue of conflicting sides, but deep down inside he has given in not to just his Master, but to his inner-peace of being submissive. In other words, it is understood that he would fulfill the request because it is what he wants, if not immediately than subconsiously, or through disposition. The sub has recognized and acknowledged this part of himself that desires to be commanded and used. Also a part of him feels most safe and comfortable when he has relegated decisions and leadership to his Master. Whatever the initial reaction to the request, then, the sub will most naturally desire to have character and to serve where no one may be there to verify. He is essentially watching himself to make sure he does the deed.

In the end, if a sub has no desire to be submissive, he is not bound to stay a sub. He may just as easily come out as being a switch or being a Dom (with maybe a new handle). Nor is he bound by fiber optic cables to stay in BDSM forums. There is rarely any motive to stick around, agree to submit to requests, pretend to do so, hate the requests, and continue lying to a Master that does not bring out his inner best. The only motive I would see is information fishing, or the occasional lies to requests that cross boundaries that should have been, but have not been discussed.

 

[AndrewKay]

Infidelity

Commands given to a promiscuous sub that may be cheating and mistrust from a fear of being cheated on is a whole other issue. Concerns over fidelity though are not that different in vanilla relationships as it is in BDSM relationships in my opinion. As in vanilla, it all comes down to trust, and honor. I think there would be many many warning signs that would pop up (more if the partner being cheated on did not show any suspicion of being cheated on until s/he was fairly sure). Some people are horrible at detecting cheaters, and some think they are great at detecting cheaters and end up being jerks to the most loyal partner they will ever meet. I can't see a huge difference between BDSM and vanilla relationships in this regard.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

i have been wondering about the online relationships of a dom and there sub, just wondering how it works. how do you know that your sub is doing what you requested of them. would it just strictly be on trust? do you ever meet the person or is it strictly an online thing?

i've been in an online/phone/long distance relationship for 4 years. how does He know the things He tells me to do are done? because He trusts me and if you are serious about a relationship (online or RL) than why would you lie?? sure, there are those who DO lie and say 'oh yes Master, i'm doing xyz' and they're really not, but those 'relationships' do not last. Daddy has never asked me to show Him picture proof that i've done a task, so i guess it's strictly on trust for us. and when i've messed up and broken a rule, i've always told on myself. i have no reason to lie to Him. i came into this relationship KNOWING there would be things asked of me that i would not always necessarily like, i made a promise to Him the night He placed the collar around my neck, hell even before that, when we hadn't even met for the first time. i guess it comes down to how serious about the relationship you are.

as for have we met? yes, we have, but our first meet was not for 3 years. up until that time we were online/phone only....

 

[sexycaz22]

I know what I am about to say will get people to roll their eyes, but do read on to the end.

I have been an online sub for 2 Doms (not at same time) and in both D/s relationships, I have not been a proper sub, but at the time, I have had no knowledge of the BDSM world and I have lied to both of them on a numerous of times. Although, we did play with webcam, and oh boy, did I find my kinky side coming out - as such as spanking (self) and having my nipples twisted, pinched and being used with a clothe peg, and I really, really enjoyed it, doing what the Dom(s) commands. I loved doing things ON webcam BUT outside the webcam, like they told me to wear a particular thing, or to send photos or to do a assignment, etc, I did not even do them and I lied to the Doms many times about these things.

Eventually, both relationships fizzed out (not sure what word I should use!) and we drifted apart.

I have never been an online sub again for over a year, just roleplays or cyber talk with guys with no bdsm interest but I have always felt something missing. Until about a few months ago, when I joined a virtual reality program *Moove* and on that program, there were many people with an interest in bdsm and I have talked with one Dom, talking about his training with one of the subs from the chat program and I also witnessed the interaction between them, and I found myself remembering the online relationships and seeing how the Dom and the sub interacted with each other in a serious way. And how they communicated with each other, how they trusted each other.

I began to realise that I was a NEWBIE with these online relationships and I realised that I really wanted to be a sub, deeply in my heart and it heaved on my mind for about 2 weeks or something.

Somehow, I came across the BDSM forums on Literotica.com and I started to realise that what I have done with the Doms 2 years ago was wrong and I started to regret what I have done, the lying and everything else. I wish I could find them and apologise to them profoundly.

Now, I am taking my time and exploring more and doing some research and learning all about the BDSM and talking with Doms, building up some friendships and learning more about myself also.

I only wish I have done this earlier.

So, to all the people who is considering to take a step into the BDSM world, either in real life or online, be very very sure that you are really really serious about becoming a sub or a Dom(me) and do your research and talk to other people who have some experiences, BEFORE you commit to a D/s relationship.

I only wish I had this advice.

 

[EmpressFi]

As to what the punishments or discipline is, i think that depends on the individual couple, just like IRL. For example, 10 lashes no matter if they were self-imposed or not would NOT be a punishment for me, but there are other things that may seem "harmless" to some but would really upset me. (No phone calls for a certain period of time, for example.)

Exactly... for me.. if I fail to do something or disappoint Master then my punishment might be, no phone call that night before going to bed or No IM contact during work hours for a week. Being 1000 miles apart, being cut off from contact hurts beyond words. Sometimes, all he has to do, as silly as it is, is type "..." into the IM window, because I know that that is his "I'm disappointed in you" face.