Just an Introduction.

GrimWraith

Literotica Guru
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Posts
683
I don't really understand what has brought me to this realm. I remember walking through my house and heard a man coughing violently. There was a man passed out face first on my kitchen floor, gasping for air. I tried to move but I couldn't, he really needed help. Then he stopped breathing, and let out his final breath.

I stood in a daze and stared helplessly. I tried yelling but it was like there was a wall between us. Then my fiancé came home after running some errands. She sat her car keys down and glanced up to notice the man’s shoes was laying in the walkway of the dining room.

"What did I tell you about leaving your shoes laying around?" she yelled, as she angrily walked towards the shoes.

"Don't worry about the damn shoes there's a man dying in the kitchen," I yell hysterically.

She ignored me, walked right past me, and then stopped. Her eyes widen, and her lips quivered as she put her hands over face. She turned and ran straight through me to the phone dialing nine-one-one. I was dreadfully confused, all I could hear was shouting and yelling. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and had lost any sense of reality. I fell slowly to the floor hitting hard without even making a sound.

Finally I saw my fiancé run to the lifeless man and turned him over. My vision was blurred and my hearing was diminished, as if I was underwater. I couldn't think, my mind was muddled, as I felt my life slipping away. My vision fades to white as my fiancé holds up his head nuzzling his neck, she began to cry furiously. I thought to myself why but, then I realized, the man she was holding was me.
 
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Welcome to the AH!

Creepy story start, interesting, yet seems somewhat familiar.

It certainly fits your Lit name. :)

I would suggest first checking your past/present tenses throughout the selection. You switch back and forth, sometimes in the middle of sentences. Then see how it reads.

Good luck!

:rose:
 
Welcome to the AH!

Creepy story start, interesting, yet seems somewhat familiar.

It certainly fits your Lit name. :)

I would suggest first checking your past/present tenses throughout the selection. You switch back and forth, sometimes in the middle of sentences. Then see how it reads.

Good luck!

:rose:

Why thank you, I didn't even notice that. Thank you to those who welcomed me as well.
 
A welcome :kiss: for the little newbie from the good little witch.
 
Hi, Wraith, and welcome to Literotica and to the AH. :)

The story shows an interesting premise so far, but badly needs editing. For instance, the man past out on the floor. I presume you mean passed.
 
Hi, Wraith, and welcome to Literotica and to the AH. :)

The story shows an interesting premise so far, but badly needs editing. For instance, the man past out on the floor. I presume you mean passed.

I did that to see if anyone would notice.... No, I didn't lol. Yeah, I know it does need work, but its good to present it this way. Easier for others to spot my flaws, and then later notice my progress.
 
A welcome :kiss: for the good little witch from the not-so-newbie. ;)

Oh, and welcome, GrimWraith!

Psssssst.... Tarakin! You DO know that glynndah's flying monkeys can see your ass, don't ya? ...and I'll tell ya, those fireball thingies that she throws HURT! :eek:
 
Psssssst.... Tarakin! You DO know that glynndah's flying monkeys can see your ass, don't ya? ...and I'll tell ya, those fireball thingies that she throws HURT! :eek:
Hey! Do you mind!?! He's flirting with me!

Those Flying Monkeys know where you live, too.
 
Welcome!

Here's my dose of mean-teacherness;

Corral those commas, they are not meant to string sentences together as I've done here, this is a common bad habit.

"When a new person speaks," she said, "he or she does so in a new paragraph."

The tense confusion has already been remarked upon.

There are some excellent books available to help with grammar and stuff. My favorite is called "The Transitive vampire" and it's cheap, used, via Amazon...
 
Welcome and have fun.

And beware the grammar police.
With their flashing lights and little tickets they hand out...

Incorruptible, too.

Do not try to bribe them.

no sir-- unless it's a really good singlemalt...

Or small-still sour mash. :cool:
 
Welcome and listen to the advice given here. It's very sound.

Aside from the little flaws, the story shows real promise. I hope you see it through to the end. I want to know what happens next.
 
Psssssst.... Tarakin! You DO know that glynndah's flying monkeys can see your ass, don't ya? ...and I'll tell ya, those fireball thingies that she throws HURT! :eek:

Hey! Do you mind!?! He's flirting with me!

Those Flying Monkeys know where you live, too.

So once the good little witch has thrown her daily production of fireballs in your direction to chase you away, I'm free again to steal a :kiss: or two from her? :)
 
Thanks once again everyone for the welcome and advice. There is more to the story. I left a lot open.
 
Welcome to Lit and the AH, Grim. :D

Your excerpt shows promise...try to break it up a tad...readers bog down and back click if the paras are too long and confusing.

I like your A/V.

Oh, *flashes Grammar Police badge* it's 'nuzzles' not 'nuzzels'. ;)

Happy writing.

Tom.
 
Welcome to Lit and the AH, Grim. :D

Your excerpt shows promise...try to break it up a tad...readers bog down and back click if the paras are too long and confusing.

I like your A/V.

Oh, *flashes Grammar Police badge* it's 'nuzzles' not 'nuzzels'. ;)

Happy writing.

Tom.

Wait - Tom is flashing? And I missed it?
 
A welcome :kiss: for the little newbie from the good little witch.

Welcome to the AH, from the bad witch. It's all about balance. :devil:

Another suggestion is not to use humongous blocks of text in a story you're going to post online. Reading a computer screen is hundreds of times harder on your eyes than a printed page. To avoid inducing migraines in your readers (and subsequently receiving hate mail because of the eyestrain), keep your paragraphs much, much shorter than you would otherwise.

That large paragraph you included has thirteen lines of text, just a solid block. Break it up, so that there's maybe seven or eight lines of text per paragraph.
 
CLOUDY is our Assistant Mind Control & Ideology Manager here. Even God checks with her first.
 
Welcome to the AH, from the bad witch. It's all about balance. :devil:

Another suggestion is not to use humongous blocks of text in a story you're going to post online. Reading a computer screen is hundreds of times harder on your eyes than a printed page. To avoid inducing migraines in your readers (and subsequently receiving hate mail because of the eyestrain), keep your paragraphs much, much shorter than you would otherwise.

That large paragraph you included has thirteen lines of text, just a solid block. Break it up, so that there's maybe seven or eight lines of text per paragraph.

I never knew that.
 
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