Just a thought on Doms

[Grvdigger]

I am pretty new to the bb’s here at lit. I have lurked for the last month with My gem but
have done a few post. One thing I have noticed is that there seems to be a tremendous
number of “lurkers” reading these threads. Seeing that and looking at
the threads and taking in to count the problem I have seen online, I chose to make this
thread. This is for those that are : a) sub looking for a Dom and wants to be able to tell a
Wanna be from Someone on the true path, or b) someone conflicted on what they are.

A little about Me first, I am a lifestyle Dom. I chose to live it and I do not hide it from any.
I was involved with D/s when I was younger and stop while I was married and stayed out
of the scene. Things have changed since then and I have returned to see Many seem
confused. Here is something I was taught long ago.... Qualities to look for in a Dominant.

Many think that just coming on line and adding Master or Mistress to there name is
enough to be a Dom/me. Being able to be cruel and talk the talk is all most of them are
looking for. But great Doms also are spiritual and philosophical as well as knowing how
to do the kinky aspects. Here are 5 things one should look for to see if a Dom is a
wanna-be:

1) Self Control- if you can not control yourself how can you ever control someone else.A
Dominant has to be in a position where their authority is believable. One that cannot
control their own bad habits, weak, spiteful or the like is not someone that a sub can fully
trust. The doubt starts then it begins to break down.

2) Sensuality - It is a fine line for a Dom to walk between being the Strong one and still
letting your sub know that you care for them. It is a balance of the yin-yang. With out
caring the spankings easily turn in to just beatings.

3) Compassion- Without compassion there is no dominance. It does not mean you have to
be in love with a sub, but that you always remember that they are a human being first and
a sub/slave/bottom second. You have keep in mind that this is a living person with feelings
and commitments just as you have them, not just some sex toy.

4) Self Awareness- If a Dom is afraid to look into their own heart and mind then how can
they really read anothers. In contrast to popular belief, Doms are not always right. I
know...a shocker. When a Dom has been or done something wrong they need to take the
responsibly and not pass them on to the sub or someone else.

5) Competence- Yes....you have to learn something completely before trying it. I have had
so many subs come to Me after their Doms had tried something new and had no idea what
they were doing. Fortunately, most of these subs kept enough of their senses with them
and saw that they were in danger. Safety first...that should be a key thought going into any
scene or activity. Just cause you read a story or a post and thing “hey that sounds hot”
does not mean you know enough about it to try it. One thing I do is try something out on
Myself first before I would ever try it on My gem.

Well..I am getting down from the pulpit now. If this seemed like someone preaching, I am
sorry you see it like that. I think there are just to many new ppl to the lifestyle that have no
clue and I hope that sheds a ray of light on it and helps them start the journey safely.

 

[rosco rathbone]

are you the same gravedigger from BUST.com? You don't seem like him. I guess there could be more than one.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I am pretty new to the bb’s here at lit. I have lurked for the last month with My gem but
have done a few post. One thing I have noticed is that there seems to be a tremendous
number of “lurkers” reading these threads. Seeing that and looking at
the threads and taking in to count the problem I have seen online, I chose to make this
thread. This is for those that are : a) sub looking for a Dom and wants to be able to tell a
Wanna be from Someone on the true path, or b) someone conflicted on what they are.

A little about Me first, I am a lifestyle Dom. I chose to live it and I do not hide it from any.
I was involved with D/s when I was younger and stop while I was married and stayed out
of the scene. Things have changed since then and I have returned to see Many seem
confused. Here is something I was taught long ago.... Qualities to look for in a Dominant.

Many think that just coming on line and adding Master or Mistress to there name is
enough to be a Dom/me. Being able to be cruel and talk the talk is all most of them are
looking for. But great Doms also are spiritual and philosophical as well as knowing how
to do the kinky aspects. Here are 5 things one should look for to see if a Dom is a
wanna-be:

1) Self Control- if you can not control yourself how can you ever control someone else.A
Dominant has to be in a position where their authority is believable. One that cannot
control their own bad habits, weak, spiteful or the like is not someone that a sub can fully
trust. The doubt starts then it begins to break down.

2) Sensuality - It is a fine line for a Dom to walk between being the Strong one and still
letting your sub know that you care for them. It is a balance of the yin-yang. With out
caring the spankings easily turn in to just beatings.

3) Compassion- Without compassion there is no dominance. It does not mean you have to
be in love with a sub, but that you always remember that they are a human being first and
a sub/slave/bottom second. You have keep in mind that this is a living person with feelings
and commitments just as you have them, not just some sex toy.

4) Self Awareness- If a Dom is afraid to look into their own heart and mind then how can
they really read anothers. In contrast to popular belief, Doms are not always right. I
know...a shocker. When a Dom has been or done something wrong they need to take the
responsibly and not pass them on to the sub or someone else.

5) Competence- Yes....you have to learn something completely before trying it. I have had
so many subs come to Me after their Doms had tried something new and had no idea what
they were doing. Fortunately, most of these subs kept enough of their senses with them
and saw that they were in danger. Safety first...that should be a key thought going into any
scene or activity. Just cause you read a story or a post and thing “hey that sounds hot”
does not mean you know enough about it to try it. One thing I do is try something out on
Myself first before I would ever try it on My gem.

Well..I am getting down from the pulpit now. If this seemed like someone preaching, I am
sorry you see it like that. I think there are just to many new ppl to the lifestyle that have no
clue and I hope that sheds a ray of light on it and helps them start the journey safely.

There are indeed lots of new people, and many of them do not like to read up on the subject to get informed. Many want it spoon fed to them.

There are several posts and/or threads that say what you have said and more.

I am glad you posted your views.

Eb

 

[MsWorthy]

. . .

1) Self Control- if you can not control yourself how can you ever control someone else.A
Dominant has to be in a position where their authority is believable. One that cannot
control their own bad habits, weak, spiteful or the like is not someone that a sub can fully
trust. The doubt starts then it begins to break down.

Every time I read this quality/trait that distinguishes a dom/me from a wannabe I wonder how clear it is and what kind of message the author is sending to new bdsmers.

Is the author saying that to be a dom/me, one must have no bad habits?

If you have the bad habit of, say, eating fast food, are you relegated to wannabe status?

What about a dom/me who smokes?

Or one who bites her/his fingernails?

Or one who drinks on the weekends?

Wannabe? Does this disqualify one as a dominant?

And, what does being "weak" mean?

One who cries when she/he is upset?

Or one who can't lift over 5 lbs?

Or one who has back problems?

Do we really expect a dominant to be a more perfect person than those in the general population as far as bad habits and weakness goes?

Isn't this sending a misleading message? Aren't we setting new submissives up to expect and reach for some knight in shining armor, or some perfect man or woman?

I think a dominant has certain, fairly specific qualities that enable her/him to control, satisfy, and create a feeling of security in a certain, fairly specific type of submissive. I do not think that a dominant is any more perfect, as far as being a human being with inherent weaknesses, than the general population.

Dom/mes can be overweight.
Dom/mes can have disabilites.
Dom/mes can cry and feel weak at times.
Dom/mes have bad habits just like everyone else.

Dom/mes are human, and because we are human we have some of the same problems and issues that non-dominants have. We are all different. No two dom/mes have the same strengths and weaknesses. We do have certain areas of strength that are necessary for our type of dominance, but we are far from perfect nor super-human.



~Grvdigger, I am not questioning your motives nor your sincerity in posting this. These are thoughts I have had many times on reading these (or very similar) traits/qualities on other web sites.~

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Just a thought on Doms

Isn't this sending a misleading message? Aren't we setting new submissives up to expect and reach for some knight in shining armor, or some perfect man or woman?

I think a dominant has certain, fairly specific qualities that enable her/him to control, satisfy, and create a feeling of security in a certain, fairly specific type of submissive. I do not think that a dominant is any more perfect, as far as being a human being with inherent weaknesses, than the general population.

Dom/mes can be overweight.
Dom/mes can have disabilites.
Dom/mes can cry and feel weak at times.
Dom/mes have bad habits just like everyone else.

Dom/mes are human, and because we are human we have some of the same problems and issues that non-dominants have. We are all different. No two dom/mes have the same strengths and weaknesses. We do have certain areas of strength that are necessary for our type of dominance, but we are far from perfect nor super-human.

I agree. We all have faults and we are all only human. Others have posted about "perfect Dommes" and have made other statements about many of the Dom/mes who post here because they do not post their weakness in a public forum.

If a Dom/me chooses to do so I think it is fine. However, I personally do not see any learning value in posting things that are basically used as ammunition by others. I think that Dom/mes owe their submissives the honesty, candor and open communication within the relationship. But I do not see myself as owing anyone here on this website that kind of candor.
I have though discussed things in more depth with those who are honestly interested in me as a human being. And I do it offline.

To me it is a foregone conclusion that no one is perfect. That states the obvious.

Ebony

 

[Grvdigger]

ty both for your responses. As for being perfect, like you have stated no one is that, including Me. But I think it is important to have self control. E/everyone, subs and Doms alike, will falter. It is what one does from that point on that counts. There is a difference between being perfect and not having bad habits. We each have faults or certian things that We can not do, but letting something have control over you is a decision that each person makes. I have made the effort not let anything become a bad habit, everyone has that power. I know My gem respects Me for those things, so when I guide her she trust Me, I have been there, done it and overcame.

These are just My thoughts on this. Like all of D/s take and leave what you like. But again, Until you master yourself, it is just that much harder to master someone else. And to answer one of your specific questions Ms Worthy, I do try to be better than the average person. There is nothing wrong with self improvement.

P.s. and no I am not that other Grvdigger, never been to that site

 

[MrChips]

Lurking

Well I do read more then I post, but then I have a lot to learn.

I do find if I have a question I find someone has already addressed it.

Also asking an uninformed question is just rude'

Anyway I will keep reading and learning, then mabe someday I will actually have something to contribute.

 

[artful]

To All

WannaBe,...GonnaBE,...IsaBE! Labels, labels, and more labels. Few labels really matter in this day and age. The FEW that DO matter are ones that have been used throughout the history of we human beings.

LIARS, deceivers, cheaters, abusers are ones that quickly come to mind.

Honest, trustworthy, dependable, fair, truthful, come to mind a little slower,...but they are just as meaningful.

THESE are the TYPES of labels that people should look for.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[WriterDom]

There will always be inexperienced Doms. And all Doms start out that way. I was practicing before I even knew there was a bdsm community. And I've made mistakes along the way, but hopefully never did any permanent damage. The problem comes in when you combine a "Dom" attitude of I'm God, King, and the one true word you need to listen to with inexperience. I think every new Dom has to go through an awakening where he realizes how much he doesn't know.

There are more than one reason for having a bdsm board, but one reason is to educate. I hope you stick around, Grvdigger. The forum has always leaned more towards informing the subs, but I'm sure there are newbie Doms that lurk here as well.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Lurking

Also asking an uninformed question is just rude

Actually if someone is uninformed, I do not have a problem with that if they ask a question and then ask for clarification if they do not get my meaning.

It is the rudeness that comes from taking a general comment and taking it personally as if it is being directed toward a specific person that I find hard to take.

Ebony

 

[Grvdigger]

Also asking an uninformed question is just rude'

the road to wisdom begins with admitting you do not know something. MrChips, everyone at one time likely had no idea where to go in following D/s. Most asked. It is never wrong to say "I do not know", where things go wrong is when ppl do not know but proceed with ignorance anyway.

Also, Artful, this is not about labels. This is just My thoughts on what some should look for when approached by a person claiming to be a Dom or more importantly a Master or Mistress. Labels are attached after actions have already been completed

 

[Sandia]

It seems to me... if you're happy... and you're making your partner happy... you're doing it right.

 

[artful]

Sorry,...

Also, Artful, this is not about labels. This is just My thoughts on what some should look for when approached by a person claiming to be a Dom or more importantly a Master or Mistress. Labels are attached after actions have already been completed

I thought I addressed the TOPIC,...What to look for. Labels sometimes are what people stick on themselves. I am a SUB, a SLAVE, a DOM/ME, a MASTER, a MISTRESS. Those labels are often put on BEFORE actions have already been completed.

(if you wish,...I can EDIT my post out, if you think it OFF topic, or not pertinent)

 

[Grvdigger]

No Artful, You were not off topic. I think it does go hand in hand. Many take titles that they have not idea what it means. They do not know the difference between top, Dominant and Master. they just use Master cause it sounds good.

 

[zipman]

No Artful, You were not off topic. I think it does go hand in hand. Many take titles that they have not idea what it means. They do not know the difference between top, Dominant and Master. they just use Master cause it sounds good.

I would be interested in hearing how you would describe the difference between Dom, Master and Top.

Welcome to the Forum.

 

[Grvdigger]

I would be interested in hearing how you would describe the difference between Dom, Master and Top.

I would be happy to zipman.

Master/ Mistress - I feel is someone who views D/s as a lifestyle in regards to a relationship. I do not think ppl are born Masters or Mistresses. It is a descriptive term. It is something to work up to. You must prove you are competent to take control. I think ppl that just add this title with out ever having a sub need to look again.

Dominant- it is not a title. It is a type of personality. A person can be Dominant and have no intrest in D/s or bdsm. You can not help being a Dominant just as a sub can cannot help what they are.

Top- this is a label that describes a person who is the giver with bdsm. A top may or may not be a dominant but likes to give the whipping or what ever activity it is. Most tops enjoy being bottoms or recieving also..

So a Master is a Dominant top but a top does not have to be Dominant or a Master and just cause you are a Dominant does not make you automatically a Master.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I would be happy to zipman.

Master/ Mistress - I feel is someone who views D/s as a lifestyle in regards to a relationship. I do not think ppl are born Masters or Mistresses. It is a descriptive term. It is something to work up to. You must prove you are competent to take control. I think ppl that just add this title with out ever having a sub need to look again.

Dominant- it is not a title. It is a type of personality. A person can be Dominant and have no intrest in D/s or bdsm. You can not help being a Dominant just as a sub can cannot help what they are.

Top- this is a label that describes a person who is the giver with bdsm. A top may or may not be a dominant but likes to give the whipping or what ever activity it is. Most tops enjoy being bottoms or recieving also..

So a Master is a Dominant top but a top does not have to be Dominant or a Master and just cause you are a Dominant does not make you automatically a Master.

I agrree, Grvdigger. I have always liked simple, clear explanations.

Ebony
<heading to NYC in 10 minutes>

 

[~Dream~]

Re: Master

WannaBe,...GonnaBE,...IsaBE! Labels, labels, and more labels. Few labels really matter in this day and age. The FEW that DO matter are ones that have been used throughout the history of we human beings.

LIARS, deceivers, cheaters, abusers are ones that quickly come to mind.

Honest, trustworthy, dependable, fair, truthful, come to mind a little slower,...but they are just as meaningful.

THESE are the TYPES of labels that people should look for.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

__________________________
AHHH Yes M'love , and you have more than EARNED the right to call yourself an Honest ,truthful,dependable and TRUSTWORTHY "Dom" and "Master" in both MY EYES and in the eyes of others !! You are just STUCK with THOSE" labels"I'm afraid hehe and DESERVEDLY so..

 

[~Dream~]

these 2 things..

mean the MOST to me:
3) Compassion- Without compassion there is no dominance. It does not mean you have to
be in love with a sub, but that you always remember that they are a human being first and
a sub/slave/bottom second. You have keep in mind that this is a living person with feelings
and commitments just as you have them, not just some sex toy.

4) Self Awareness- If a Dom is afraid to look into their own heart and mind then how can
they really read anothers. In contrast to popular belief, Doms are not always right. I
know...a shocker. When a Dom has been or done something wrong they need to take the
responsibly and not pass them on to the sub or someone else.



Doms Do NEED TO REMEMBER THAT WE SUBS are hUMAN 1ST AND THAT WE do HAVE feelings ,so very true!!,without compassion and understanding of the "Sub's FEELINGS ,The relationship can go downhill VERY fast...Communication about where each other is "at' emotionally should go on Daily ,I believe,BEING aware of AND trying to UNDERSTAND a Sub's Feelings can give Her/Him all the more reason to wanna serve you better..

Dom's are NOT ALWAYS RIGHT!! So VERY true!! Dom's are as capable of making mistakes as the next person and anyone who THINKS they dont is a pompous,arrogant IDIOT in my eyes..
Subs that see their Dom's make mistakes and OWN UP TO THEM ,are put in the position to be able to trust them even more,for their Dom's HONESTY ... JMHO ,and I own it!!

 

[Artless Preen]

yup artful you are perfect yada yada yada fuck the topic fuck the fact that people dont want how wonderful you are shoved down their throats fuck the fact that you dumped me ONLINE before you told me yada yada ive got a hugely irritating sigline so there.

Jesus.

 

[~Dream~]

Welcome to the BDSM Forum

 

[Artless Preen]

No one else irritates me quite as much as you do.

 

[Sandia]

I would be happy to zipman.

Master/ Mistress - I feel is someone who views D/s as a lifestyle in regards to a relationship. I do not think ppl are born Masters or Mistresses. It is a descriptive term. It is something to work up to. You must prove you are competent to take control. I think ppl that just add this title with out ever having a sub need to look again.

Dominant- it is not a title. It is a type of personality. A person can be Dominant and have no intrest in D/s or bdsm. You can not help being a Dominant just as a sub can cannot help what they are.

Top- this is a label that describes a person who is the giver with bdsm. A top may or may not be a dominant but likes to give the whipping or what ever activity it is. Most tops enjoy being bottoms or recieving also..

So a Master is a Dominant top but a top does not have to be Dominant or a Master and just cause you are a Dominant does not make you automatically a Master.

Digger, I like your use of the terms here. Seems like a useful way of categorizing different interests. Top had been defined here before as someone who's only interested in the physical side of things. I like this definition better.

 

[UCE]

Re: Re: Just a thought on Doms

Every time I read this quality/trait that distinguishes a dom/me from a wannabe I wonder how clear it is and what kind of message the author is sending to new bdsmers.

Is the author saying that to be a dom/me, one must have no bad habits?

It's hard to not read something about the importance of self-control for dominants and not get defensive or think that the person is describing someone superhuman or who doesn't exist, because, as you say, we're all human and we all have our problems.

One kind of self-control that's important to me, as a submissive, is that my dominant have the ability to change qualities or habits that might really hurt us both someday down the road. Sometimes that is asking for things that are very hard for people to do, however. I'll use my own dom as an example. He's smoked cigars for almost 30 years but recently gave it up when he got ill and he's not going to take it up again because of the risks. On the other hand, he's risked his health and brought on numerous infections (not to mention physical agony) because he cannot visit a dentist. He developed a dental phobia as a young child when a quack dentist did work on him with _no anesthesia_: the quack thought peaceful music was all that was needed. Since that time he cannot bring himself to visit a dentist, because the association with that extreme pain is just too set in brain. He'd love to overcome this phobia, and he has tried for years to do so, but it's been too hard. Some habits are just too tough for an individual to change, and if that is the situation with you, I think you ought to tell anybody you develop a love relationship with about the risks associated with them _early_ so that person can begin to prepare. I'm thinking of cigs: so hard to break that habit and so often deadly. But if I really loved a dominant I'd gladly accept their inability to change that and prepare myself for the potential hard times to come. I doubt if I personally could come to love a dominant who was a hard alcoholic or a hard durg addict, because their "absences" would make me too insecure to ever fully trust them, also I have a childhood history with alocoholics which would make such a relationship nearly unbearable to me I think. But you never know, life is so strange a contradictory that I can't say for sure that such a person and I would never hit it off.

There's a second kind of self-control that's more important to me than this habit stuff. It's the ability of a dominant to control their personal responses to me and not just respond in a knee-jerk fashion or "react" emotionally without thinking how it will effect me. I think I can generalise here and say this is important for a lot of other submissives, too. We tend to be hyersensitive to anger, criticism, and other negative emotions and easily crushed. But the crux of the matter is that when someone else has all the control and you have none, their feelings about you matter very very VERY much to you, as how they feel about you affects your life in very sweeping ways. If your submissive gets angry at you, big deal, you can afford to laugh at it or even ignore it. You OWN her and she's not going anywhere, so who cares if she has a temper tantrum. It's not threatening because the submissive, at least in a master-slave relationship, has no ability to make any relationship-shattering decisions due to her anger (and you will not allow that). But in the other position: the position of powerlessness, your master or mistress is everything to you: they are the sun you revolve around; they give you everything you have, your food, your priveledges, everything. They aren't gods of course, but the relationships is one of supplicant to her god, and one of the most terrifying and saddening things in the world is when your god gets angry with you.

Sorry if this is less coherent than I usually am; I'm relaxing with some drinks tonight, thanks to the graciousness of MY god.

A slut in halloween colors:

 

[artful]

If your submissive gets angry at you, big deal, you can afford to laugh at it or even ignore it. You OWN her and she's not going anywhere, so who cares if she has a temper tantrum.

<--------Snipped

UCE,...I am one of the most patient, and accepting of others peoples faults, that anyone might ever meet. BUT,...for you to "IMPLY",...Dom/mes don't care if their subs/slaves, has a "temper tantrum" or not is,...well,...it's absurd.

If YOU have this kind of relationship, and have lived it for so many years,...truly,...you have my sympathy. What you have posted in the above quote can easily be likened to a sub/slave being treated as a doormat.

There is MUCH more I could comment about, but I feel others will do a better job, in making their POV understood.

I will say ONE thing more, I think you need to STUDY and RESEARCH your own posts, maybe you will see what Zip, myself, and OTHERS have seen.