Just a plug for my Gay Male story: "Consumed".

[myoregon]

Hello,

Just wanted to refer you to my story. You can find it by clicking the following link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=833920&page=submissions

Anyway, the story summary is as follows:

Liam, an openly gay man, has his life turned upside down when his sister and brother-in-law die in a fire at their home, leaving him to take care of his niece and nephew. Follow Liam as he tries to keep his life together.

The story tags include:

Gay Mystery, Gay Drama, Crime Drama, Gay Romance, Gay Novella, Jealousy, Love Triangle, etc.

I'm very proud of the story, considering it's my first and so far the feedback has been very good. So, if you read it, please vote and send feedback. I also appreciate constructive criticism, it's actually pointed out mistakes that I now watch for when I write. Things that I didn't actually think about. So, I appreciate any kind of feedback.

Thanks,

Deb

 

[ellynei]

Like so many of us, you need an editor hun.

I am not pro, not at all. I am very much a newbie too. So take my words for what they are, unprofessional impressions and opinions of a person who is NOT an editor.

You start out with warning and notices, that are longer than needed.

"Do not read if you are underage according to the laws in the country, state/province, county, city/town/village or township where you live."

Is not needed on literotica since the site supplies such warnings to newcomers itself.

"This is a work of fiction. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

For a foreword on lit, something the normal reader has to skim through to get to the beginning of your story, "This is a work of fiction." should suffice more than plenty.

.

After the warning and notices, you make a long list of characters. If you truly feel a need for an appendix, then you should add it at the end not the front. However, you should aim, with all your might, to present your story in a way that will remove the need of an appendix. Especially in the first chapters.

.

I think that the prolonged foreword+appendix will cost you many readers.

.

Your two first paragraphs:
-----Quote:-----

"Rick and a few other firemen were combing through the ruble, searching for hot spots. Although there wasn't much left, they needed to make sure it was safe for the fire inspectors. Rick, being the fire captain, was responsible for making sure everything was secure before the inspectors took over.

It was pretty evident that the fire was arson. The fire had burned too hot and too fast for it not to be arson. It was obvious that some sort of accelerant was used. This fire took a lot with it, by the time they arrived on the scene, the fire had already taken over most of the house. They lost two men to this fire and two more were in the hospital. There were also two other occupants in the house that were found on the stairs, already deceased. It was obvious that they were trying to escape. Neighbors informed the police that the couple had two young children. This was how we lost our two comrades. As it turned out, there were no other occupants in the home at the time."

-----quote end.-----

First: "It was pretty evident that the fire was arson.." tense issue, the fire is gone by now, hence should be 'had been' not 'was'.

second: "It was pretty evident that the fire was arson. The fire had burned too hot and too fast for it not to be arson." word-reiteration of 'arson', the second arson could be replaced by something like 'intentional' or it could simply be removed '...not to be.'

third: "It was obvious that some sort of accelerant was used." again 'was' should be 'had been'.

fourth: " This fire took a lot with it, by the time they arrived on the scene, the fire had already taken over most of the house." again 'took' -> 'had taken', 'arrived' -> 'had arrived'.

Remember in your first paragraph you defined the time of narration of the past tense to be when the firemen were digging through the rubble after the fire. So unless you clearly change time of narration you need to address anything prior to that moment as 'earlier than past-tense' (sorry told ya im not pro, I dont know the english word for it.)

fifth: one paragraph one topic please.

sixth: "They lost two men to this fire and two more were in the hospital." same tense issue as before. Also about time to reiterate who 'they' are, especially because of next sentence.

seventh: "There were also two other occupants in the house that were found on the stairs, already deceased. It was obvious that they were trying to escape." same tense issue as before. Also, when you say 'two other occupants' you imply that you have already mentioned some occupants, you haven't. (At least after reading back and forth a few times I came to believe the aforementioned - victims to the fire - were firemen.)

eight: " Neighbors informed the police that the couple had two young children." A very sudden switch from - two deceased occupants - to 'the couple'.

ninth: "This was how we lost our two comrades." We? this is very out of the blue suddenly the reader finds out that the narrator is, who?

tenth: "As it turned out, there were no other occupants in the home at the time." By now I'm exhausted.

.

I plead the fifth! (no not amendment, the fifth point I wrote down).

One paragraph, one topic. In that long paragraph you provided information that:

1: It was arson, (and how they know it).

2: Description of the course of fire.

3:Casualties and injuries amongst firemen.

4: Civilian casualties (+detail, 'tried to escape).)

5: Two young children, didn't die in the fire.

6: Sudden introduction of personal narrator-style. (Which I'm not really sure you intended).

Thats about 5 topics too many for one paragraph.
---

Your story needs a lot of work.
.

I've skimmed over the rest of "Consumed" (part 1).

It seems to become an easier read along the way.

(((You mark speech as " and thoughts as ' same as I do!!,(notice debate on feedback thread on my story hehe) 'cept I noticed you remembered to italice thoughts from the start.)))

.

The big issues in the start of "Consumed" part 1, scared me off from reading the whole thing the real way, for my own pleasure (because the troublesome start made me fear I wouldn't enjoy it). And recent experience with a feedback poster that didn't really want feedback, made me not want to put too much work into giving feedback on this. (Not your fault. But life ain't always fair... and neither am I.)

 

[ellynei]

I felt bad about whining at the end of my previous post so I went back and read on.

From the point where Jack gets a phonecall, the story is nearly painfully chronological. (I shouldn't be the one to tell others this cause I tend to write overtly long scenes too.)

Boring background information is put in on equal terms with heartbreaking moments.

There are intense moments in your storyline, but they don't really come to justice, because they are buried in a seemingly endless "and then..."-scenario.

In my opinion the story itself, seems to have good potential.

I think that if you keep working on how to present the story; it can become very good.

At certain places what you have written seems to be notes, not a finished draft.

example:

"An hour and a half later, Liam was on his way over to his sister's house after identifying the bodies. It was hard. It hadn't seemed real until he actually saw the bodies. It was at that point he broke down. It was real. His sister was gone. He sobbed quietly for some time before a police detective came in to talk to him. They had some papers that Liam needed to sign and then proceeded to ask him a number of questions concerning his sister and brother-in-law. They were hoping that they could get some sort of lead to start the investigation. Apparently, the police suspected that the fire was intentional. "

This looks like an authors personal note, an early draft to something he/she intends to write.

Like:
---
An hour and a half later, Liam was on his way over to his sister's house. While driving he couldn't help but think back on the past hour.

He had just identified the dead bodies of his sister and brother in law. It had been hard, very hard. Since he first got the phonecall and until he saw their corpses, the whole thing had not seemed real.

'(insert something Liam thinks of what it was like to see them like that)', he thought. He had understood it was real when he saw them. At that point he had broken down.

'My sister is gone,' Liam thought, he had to try not to think about it now. He was driving a car, he couldn't afford to break down again in the middle of traffic.
---

Ofcourse this is not what you would write, everyone has a different style. I just had to write something to give an example.

If we write every single scene we imagine, of course the story becomes too long. But presenting every single scene we imagine in note form also makes for a bad read.

Learning what to skip and what to include is a very difficult art, (one I absolutely do not master myself).

Learning how to skip over something lightly, is also difficult.

.

I have noticed that it already has red 'H's. (And don't worry I didn't place a vote )

As you can tell I believe the story needs more work.
As I also mentioned I am not a pro, I could be mistaken about many of the things I mentioned.
However, what I mentioned was my honest opinion, and I hope it can be useful.

 

[J.Doe]

So take my words for what they are, unprofessional impressions and opinions of a person who is NOT an editor.

Quoting to reiterate.






myoregon: You need an editor. Plain and simple. There are very few authors on Literotica who can do without one. You have good ideas so why not take the extra step and have someone who is with the volunteer editor program who knows what they're doing when editing. After that, fix errors then post your stories.

 

[ellynei]

Yeah I really went beyond, what a person of my limited knowledge level should

I hope someone who truly has the knowledge needed, will volunteer to offer their services.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I didn't get very far into the story.

It's a story not a play. People don't need to (or want to) be told the cast. The details you tell us should simply come up in the story. If those details don't come up they're not important enough for you to have come up with.

For example your casting tells us that Rick is a fireman. However the first sentence accomplishes the same thing much more effectively.

The plot summary destroyed all possible tension. Once a person reads that the story doesn't matter anymore. He or she knows exactly what is going to happen. The exchange with his mother become totally meaningless. We already know exactly what's going to be said when she sounds upset.

On the positive side you've managed to write a story with a plot. That's a very good thing, just don't spoil it at the very start.

Yeah I really went beyond, what a person of my limited knowledge level should

I hope someone who truly has the knowledge needed, will volunteer to offer their services.

Not to be to terribly cliche but you should never say something like that. If you define an abstract limitation for yourself either you'll have to cross it and feel bad or never cross it and feel unfulfilled.

 

[myoregon]

Wow

I asked for it. And, ouch, I definitely got it, didn't I? Well, thank you all.

Since the general consensus is that I'm turning people away with my too detailed cast descriptions and summary, I'll post an update to the first chapter and exclude that information. Thank you.

I will also take the other recommendations under advisement. See if I can't improve the rest of the story.

Deb