Just a Few Minutes More - Chapter 2

[agreatstoryteller]

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[elfin_odalisque]

Love the pseudo, nothing like a bit of false modesty! Anyway, Hi.

No, I think you made a mistake with carrying the story on. You didn't develop any characters in the first part and you just give us a stroke story without the stroke.

You write well even with a few typos that a more rigorous proofreading would clear. It's just that you don't have a coherent plot or protags that are three-dimensional. I found your chapter one dizzying as it was so full of flashbacks and so light on story. By not developing the threat from the kidnappers, you just didn't have the tension to make the fond memories work. IMHO, the tension of the kidnap should have got more attention to give more contrast to the erotic recollections of past excesses

I'm going to say you should have had a lot more dialogue to make things work and you're going to say that is difficult if your mouth's covered in duct tape (Ch 1) or you are asleep (Ch 2). I think that's my main point. If you mute your main characters you are going to find it difficult to develop a story. I know that third person POV gives scope to see the thought processes of the protags but surely, you still need them to speak to develop a character.

I see from the reaction to ch 1 that I may be seen as over-critical. I just think you have the makings of a really good writer and you need to look at a few points in going forward.

Of course I will now look for your next submissions, butI'm not sure you can salvage these pair, sorry.

Elle

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

As usual, I agree with Elfin. This time about whether you should have posted this as a second chapter. IMHO, there's just too little meat to justify making readers wait.

One thing I noticed about the writing was the way you began the narrative paragraphs. Here's the list:

Henry mistakenly thinks she's asleep

He glances down

Her closed eyes

He checks the rode

His eyes dart

He assumes

He had worried

Natalie's shifting

They had passed

Natalie surprised him

Natalie's attraction

Their porn watching

It's not wrong to always begin with a name or pronoun, but IMHO some variety will avoid a sing-song rhythm and might help keep readers interested.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[MarshAlien]

Looking at this chapter alone, in isolation, I have to agree that it's just too darned short. Imagine that you're Charles Dickens (also a great storyteller) and you have all those people on the docks in America waiting for the next installment of Little Dorrit, and you send them this. How many do you think will be back on the dock waiting for the next ship? Even if you've interested them with your first chapter, you want to keep them coming back; you haven't written enough stories yet that people are going to say, "look, it's the latest by agreatstoryteller." So for now, if you're going to post in chapters, you need to make each one worth the time that people are going to invest in reading it. Otherwise, they won't read the next one.

As for the writing itself, it seems too quick, as if you too really want to get to the next chapter.

He assumes it's the dip in temperature from the setting sun that has hardened her nipples and smiles again at the image of her getting dressed and now at his own reaction to her breasts.

This sentence has three ideas in it: her hard nipples, her getting dresed, and his reaction. Why are you in such a hurry to get to the next paragraph?

"She certainly did," replaying the scene now in his head.

Henry certainly didn't spend long replaying it, and your skipping the dialogue attribution made it seem even more rushed.

As I said, I didn't read the first part, so I can't really comment on how well Natalie and Henry work in the context of your overall story. But if you're going to schedule a concert, you need to include more than just the bridge from one part of the song to the next. Or the middle section of the Third Brandenburg Concerto.

 

[agreatstoryteller]

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[MarshAlien]

As for the author name, I've considered it changing it to avoid the easy pot-shots.

And el and Rumply and I are the gentle ones...

 

[elfin_odalisque]

In terms of the original story, Elfin, I'm glad the publisher who will be including it in a short story anthology doesn't agree with you;-).

As for the author name, I've considered it changing it to avoid the easy pot-shots. It's left over from roleplaying days on yahoo before it became uninhabitable.

Heartfelt congrats on getting published. It's a great feeling - if only it happened more often. As I said, it was only my opinion on the story and I could see from the public comments that others thought completely differently. See , what do I know then!

Not taking easy pot-shots, only gently pulling your leg. There's no need to change your name now because we've seen it and put in our two cents already. Won't be funny to comment next time and anyway, it's good to have a name that readers remember.