Jokes

[The_high_king]

please post your jokes here. It can be can be any joke you want, but I would prefer these:

A man walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "I want 6 shots of Jaggermeister, striaght up". The bartender was surprised, "6 shots of Jaggermeister?! What are you celebrating?" asked the bartender. The man smiled, "I'm celebrating my first blow-job". The bartender also smiled, "then lets make that 7 shots of Jaggermeister". The man shook his head, "oh no, I'd prefer 6, cause if that dosn't wash out the taste, nothing will".

you understand what I'm saying here? So if you have any funny jokes then please post them here.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

You sound like you're starting a web site and looking for content. Oh well...

A 80 year old man goes to Confession and says, "Father, last night I had marathon sex with a nineteen year old girl!" and proceeds to describe the tryst in enthusiastic detail.

The Priest says, "Say 10 Hail Marys and you'll be forgiven."

"But I'm not Catholic" says the man.

"Then why are you telling me this story?"

"Telling you?" says the man, "I'm telling everyone!"

 

[The_high_king]

HA!

That was hilarious. Thanks for being the first one to post. I really appreciate it.

 

[nasty]

Here's one

Guy and his friends are fishing, and decide to play 20 questions. This one guy,(who is a farmer,)guesses the correct answer each time. They keep playing, nothing can stump him.

"Man. What will stump you?" One asks. He thinks, and thinks. At last, he thinks he has it. "Ah-ha. Here we go. So...it's bigger than a breadbox."

Guy says, "Is it a moose cock?"

 

[The_high_king]

hey

anyone else?

 

[The_high_king]

the three dates

A father has three daughters, and is very overprotective of them. One night the daughters tell their father that they have dates for tonight. He father got suspicious, "what!? A date?! your to young for dates". He was enraged, so the daughters started to complain about not giving them any freedom. The father thinks for a minute, "okay, fine. In one condition, I will meet these boys before they meet you". The three daughters ran upstairs.

later that night the first date arrives. The dad brings out a shotgun, and opens the door:
"Hi, my name danny, I'm here for Sally, and I'm here to take her out to spaghetti". The father thinks hes a nice guy, and allows him to take out the daughter.

the second date comes along. The dad brings out a shotgun, and opens the door:
"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here for Rose, I'm going to take her out to a show". He seemed like a decent guy, so he lets his second daughter go.

the third date arrives. The dad brings out the shotgun, and opens the door:
"Hi, my name is chuck- BOOM!

 

[GuyJD]

A little boy walks into a whore house and tells the madame, "I want to hire the services of your nastiest whore who has crabs."
The madame finds the request quite odd and ask for him to explain. He tells her, "I want a whore with crabs so that she can give it to me, then I can give it to my babysitter, my babysitter can give it to my daddy, my daddy can give it to my momma, and my momma can give it to the fucking mailman who kicked my doggy this morning."

 

[thumbs2_ca]

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods near Saddle Hills Tower when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. His hunting partner is frantic; he whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He shouts to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take easy, I can help. First let’s make sure your friend is dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The hunter comes back on the phone and says, OK, now what?

 

[thumbs2_ca]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're
thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!"
responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell
me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again.
"So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began
with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was
certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery
store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every
donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex
life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an
appointment with the same sex therapist. After the
physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and
Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda
and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please,
please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"

 

[The_high_king]

wow

This is some funny shit guys. Keep it up.

 

[Guest]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent self-assured princess happened upon a
frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of a pond in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said,
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you,
however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am. Then my sweet, we can marry and
setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs,
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking
think so."

 

[thumbs2_ca]

damn

that was me. damn cookies

 

[Natalie Nessus]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent self-assured princess happened upon a
frog, as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of a pond in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said,
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you,
however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am. Then my sweet, we can marry and
setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs,
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking
think so."

lol I looove it!

 

[GuyJD]

Re: damn

that was me. damn cookies

Try Pillsbury. They're better.

 

[thumbs2_ca]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both
go to sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I
have a better idea. Just for tonight, let's make pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK, AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD.......Get your own fucking blanket."

 

[thumbs2_ca]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying, "This from the gentleman".
She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her, and it reads:
"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

 

[The_high_king]

Little Billy

One day, Little Billy finds a bee-hive, and practically destroys it, and kills off all the bees. The father having seen this says, "Billy, no honey for a month.
The next day Billy sees a beautiful butterfly, and swats it dead with a newspaper. The dad having sees this says, "Billy, no butter for a month".
The next day Billy, and his dad are eating breakfast. Their mother then sees a cockaroach, and steps on it. Billy stands up, and says, "Mom, dad has something to tell you".

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

The two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles," says the first guy. "I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too," says the second guy. "I told them this small circle is your asshole before prison...''

 

[luv2tvl69]

I thought some of these were funny

A Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when
you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes
when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed
the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated
the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours
of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...
breathe....push...."

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed
to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a conven-
ience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a
football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall,
occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half
an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to
create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black
hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime
soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to en-
hance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring
only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to
go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a
place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient
for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquil-
izers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you
have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and ro-
mance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes
off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off
if you try to remove it.

 

[The_high_king]

the bar

A man walks into a bar. He then says, "ow!"

ooc: sorry for the cheesiness. Give me time, and I'll get a better one.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Warning!! This may not be funny to fems.

The little boy says to his Dad, "I heard a word in the schoolyard today and I do
not understand it." After much coaxing he tells his Dad that the word is "cunt". The father tells his son to get a pencil and paper. He then draws a circle in the middle of the paper and says, " Pretend that this piece of paper is a woman. The circle in the middle of the paper is called a vagina. Everything outside that circle is called a cunt."

(As blue ducks and runs for cover).

blue

 

[nasty]

Apo;logies to blondes

A blonde, redhead, and a brunette walked into an elevator with a handsome man. When he leaves, the brunette says, "He's cute."

Redhead responds, "Yeah. But he could use some Head and Shoulders."

Blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

 

[Weird Harold]

JOKE OF THE DAY: Abe Lincoln

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender set it down and asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

 

[GuyJD]

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

a bar owner hires a new bartender. During his training session, the owner explains, "The guys at the construction site aross the street will be here at 3 PM. Now I have to tell you one thing. They are all deaf from the noise that they've made over the years. But it's simple to serve them because they only drink 2 types of drinks. If someone raises one finger in the air, he wants a beer. If someone raises 2 fingers in the air, he wants whiskey. Got it?"
The new bartender repeats, "One for beer, two for whiskey. Okay, I'll remember."
"Well, I'll be in my office if there's a problem", said the owner as he left the bartender on his own.
At 3 PM, all of the construction workers entered the bar and everything went smoothly. The bartender remembered the 1 and 2 finger request. An hour goes by and suddenly, one of the guys began snapping his fingers. Then 3 other guys started snapping their fingers. Within minutes, all of the guys were snapping their fingers. The bartender got nervous and ran into the owner's office for help. The 2 returned and noticed that the snapping continued.
Angerly, the owner tells the bartender, "Oh Damn. Not that. Once they start singing like this, they never want to leave."

 

[SweetCherry]

Good jokes, everyone. Guy, I almost wet myself from that one.

Now, it seems to me there's a certain flamingo who needs plucking. Anyone wanna buy a bunch of blue feathers?