Jokes

[Guest]

How Many Republicans Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

Rated PG

Four hundred and seventy one:
12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
23 to deregulate the light bulb industry,
16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs,
9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs,
53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,
41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead, and
283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.


What's the difference between Light and Hard?
You can sleep with a Light on.



A lawyer died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates with a host of Angels and ushered him into heaven ahead of everyone else.

The lawyer asked, "Why all this special treatment?"

St. Peter replied, "We don't get very many of your profession up here."

 

[Mensa]

Is chad pregnant again?

I'm in Florida and I demand a recount!

 

[Guest]

Chad???

who's Chad???

 

[Mensa]

How soon we forget

Chad???

who's Chad???

He's the one "hanging" with a "dimple"

 

[morninggirl5]

About children

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our
own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students....here is
something to make you laugh:


Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His
own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve .. . we have
forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and
was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent,
asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam
and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set
and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If
you have patiently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says
on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children."