jokes
- Thread starter stud 3;16
- Start date
Shylady
Not shy as I used to be!
- Joined
- May 25, 2000
- Posts
- 5,724
Did you know if you were an egg you would only get laid once in your life. and it would take intense boiling heat for a prolonged time to get hard, but only two minutes to get soft. And the only person that would ever sit on your face would be your mom.
Nobody Special
Just call me Nobody.
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2000
- Posts
- 1,326
OK here is one for the Laweres 
E
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative * he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services * he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services * he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing * even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer * he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art system.
Husband #6 was from Management * he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing * although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist * all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist * all he ever did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector * all he ever did was... God! I MISS HIM!!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
E
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative * he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services * he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services * he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing * even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer * he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art system.
Husband #6 was from Management * he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing * although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist * all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist * all he ever did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector * all he ever did was... God! I MISS HIM!!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
FantasyGoddess
You pour the champaigne,, I'll light the candles
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2000
- Posts
- 1,783
An Interesting Golf Game
> > > Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon
> when one of them
> > > accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of
> men. To her horror,
> one
> > > of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his
> crotch. She runs
> down
> > > to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that
> she is a physical
> > > therapist and can help ease his pain. "No,
> thanks. Just give me a few
> > > minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly,
> hands still between his
> > > legs.
> > > Taking it upon herself to help the poor man,
> she gently unzips his
> fly
> > > and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that
> feel better?" she
> asks.
> > > "Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but
> my thumb still hurts
> > > like hell."
> > > Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon
> when one of them
> > > accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of
> men. To her horror,
> one
> > > of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his
> crotch. She runs
> down
> > > to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that
> she is a physical
> > > therapist and can help ease his pain. "No,
> thanks. Just give me a few
> > > minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly,
> hands still between his
> > > legs.
> > > Taking it upon herself to help the poor man,
> she gently unzips his
> fly
> > > and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that
> feel better?" she
> asks.
> > > "Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but
> my thumb still hurts
> > > like hell."
FantasyGoddess
You pour the champaigne,, I'll light the candles
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2000
- Posts
- 1,783
Bada Bing Bada Boom
A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I
have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in
Canada with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for
a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're
leaving from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new
blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this
sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired
but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him
home and asks if he caught many fish? He
says, Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle
box....."
A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I
have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in
Canada with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for
a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're
leaving from the office and I will swing by the
house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new
blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this
sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired
but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him
home and asks if he caught many fish? He
says, Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle
box....."
Comshaw
VAGITARIAN
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2000
- Posts
- 12,097
A guy and his new wife are walking down the street when they spy her ex-husband walking toward them.
As the ex- got close to the couple he smiled at the guy and said in a snide voice,"How do you like that used stuff?" motioning with his hand toward the man's wife.
The guy leaned over, kissed his new wife on the forehead and responded,"Fantastic, once you get past the used part."
As the ex- got close to the couple he smiled at the guy and said in a snide voice,"How do you like that used stuff?" motioning with his hand toward the man's wife.
The guy leaned over, kissed his new wife on the forehead and responded,"Fantastic, once you get past the used part."
Nobody Special
Just call me Nobody.
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2000
- Posts
- 1,326
Fantasy Goddess here is another one close to that one you have
E
Never Lie To Your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious
of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying
you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.
E
Never Lie To Your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious
of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying
you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.
Chuckus
'Master' of all things good and pleasurable
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2000
- Posts
- 6,187
Naughty Poems
<< Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
Oh baby i get horny,
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
<< Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When i think of you
Oh baby i get horny,
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
ok i got one.
ten-year-old matt was visiting his uncle a wealthy new hampshire farm owner. one evening as uncle jim and his wife were hosting a dinner party they were interrupted by an out-of-breath matt. shouting uncle jim come quick the bull is fucking the cow. highly embarrassed uncle jim took matt aside and explained that a certain degree of decorum was required. you should have said the bull is surprising the cow. not whatever filth youve been picking up on the school playground. a few days later. matt came rushing in again while his aunt and uncle were entertaining. uncle jim he shouted come quick and look the bull is surprising the cows. the adults shared a knowing grin. as uncle jim said thank you matt. but surely you meant to say the cow not cows. a bull cannot surprise more than one cow at a time you know. yes he can replied the nephew. hes fucking the horse.
ten-year-old matt was visiting his uncle a wealthy new hampshire farm owner. one evening as uncle jim and his wife were hosting a dinner party they were interrupted by an out-of-breath matt. shouting uncle jim come quick the bull is fucking the cow. highly embarrassed uncle jim took matt aside and explained that a certain degree of decorum was required. you should have said the bull is surprising the cow. not whatever filth youve been picking up on the school playground. a few days later. matt came rushing in again while his aunt and uncle were entertaining. uncle jim he shouted come quick and look the bull is surprising the cows. the adults shared a knowing grin. as uncle jim said thank you matt. but surely you meant to say the cow not cows. a bull cannot surprise more than one cow at a time you know. yes he can replied the nephew. hes fucking the horse.
G
Guest
Guest
I have a few for ya's!
Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
=========================================================
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry fuckin' heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this goddamn state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted fucking Garfield!!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the goddamn pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fuckin' windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to Iowa for some peace and quiet.
===========================================================
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
=========================================================
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry fuckin' heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this goddamn state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted fucking Garfield!!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the goddamn pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fuckin' windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to Iowa for some peace and quiet.
===========================================================
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
