Jokes!

[Angel]

Stealthgate: So much fun, you can smell it across your PPP connection.


Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.


A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."





What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.



A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Uh unh."


10 Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't

I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of that white fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
Where did you get those great floppies?

 

[Nobody Special]

OK here are a few more

E


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how
he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred
to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out
of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did
not say, "Eat me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the
Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest
at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.

Aspirin
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!


GOOD:

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign, which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a younger accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of the $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball".

He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then silently closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

 

[scylis]

"Men Are Like...?"
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long he will last.

 

[Angel]

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."


This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

[scylis]

You Know Your Kids Have Inherited Your Kink When...

The neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers.

Your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers.

You go into the playroom and discover an interrogation chair built entirely of Legos.

You come home and find them tickling a bound and gagged baby-sitter.

They hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers when it's time to go shopping.

Your 12 year-old crawls over and eats out of the dog dish.

Your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needsto pay his tab at the hardware store.

You tell them they're too old to spank and they try to assure that they aren't.

Your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while the other children played in the room.

You yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells you he's tied up right now...and you check on him and find that he really is tied upright now.

Your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging offhis tongue.

Their favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.

Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve times.

They won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red."

You notice her Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash.

The 13 year-old begs for his first bra.

You had to buy a clothes dryer because every time your kids went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins would vanish.

You ask your daughter to walk the dog, only the dog's still home and the leash and your son aren't.

Your son balks at toilet training...and he's 14.

They made a violet wand for the science fair.

 

[scylis]

Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a bed?Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the a**?Have you done it, high on grass? Have you done it in the car?Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?Have you done it with the teach? Have you done it on your back?Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?Have you done it with a fox? Have you done it in a tree?Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?Have you done it for the pain? Have you done it 'tween the t***?Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?Have you done it undercover? Have you done it on a perch?Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?Have you done it with a sturgeon? Have you done it with ropes and chains?Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?Have you done it underage? Have you done it with all your friends?Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?Have you done it on a log? Have you done it under clamps?Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?Have you done it on the bathroom tile? Have you done it for all to see?Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?Have you done it in your mouth? Have you done it while on tape?Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?Have you done it whilst you pee? Have you done it in the gym?Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.