Jokes

dr_mabeuse

seduce the mind
Joined
Oct 10, 2002
Posts
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A friend sent me this:
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In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and 2 million critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


National Tastes, or Lack Thereof

Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'

Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

And animals figured prominently. Take the No. 1 joke in England:

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'

The survey revealed other fun facts:

Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk

Copyright 2002 Reuters. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
 
A duck walks into a bar

I wonder:

if "weasel" is as funny in other languages as it is in English.

what percentage of jokes begin with "A ___walks into a bar."

what's funny in Islamic states. Are there jokes beginning with "A mullah, a rabbi and the Pope are in a life raft and..."
 
dr_mabeuse said:

And animals figured prominently. Take the No. 1 joke in England:

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'
Ok, I must admit that that one made me smile.

But is it just me, or had them being weasels absolutely nothing to do with the actual joke here?
 
Re: Re: Jokes

Icingsugar said:
Ok, I must admit that that one made me smile.

But is it just me, or had them being weasels absolutely nothing to do with the actual joke here?

:confused: I thought that was odd, too. I recently heard that joke, but with (of all subjects) people.

- Mindy
 
dr_mabeuse said:
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'
...and why did I hear John Cleese's voice when I read that?
 
Re: Re: Jokes

Icingsugar said:
But is it just me, or had them being weasels absolutely nothing to do with the actual joke here?

That's why it's funny.
 
I love the Freudian slip joke!

I also have heard the Harvard/Texas joke but with women.

One southern gal says to a northern gal, "Where y'all from?"

Northern gal says, "I'm from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition!"

Southern gal says, "Oh. Well, then. Where y'all from, bitch?"

Same thing, different take.

Great jokes, dr.M.!
 
dr_mabeuse said:
. . . The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny . . .

Now, that IS funny.
 
Some of those jokes are just plain weird. I am cheap for a laugh, but still...

OK, the strawberry joke did rate a chuckle.

The following is rated the funniest joke by Australians, and judging by the differences in our humour, no one else might find it funny besides a fellow aussie...


This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight ..."
 
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And again, this may be the sick aussie humour, but this is an extract from the darwin awards. You probably have all heard of these awards, but if you haven't, these "honor those who improve our gene pool... by removing themselves from it" ie die really really stupid deaths.

Anyway, this accident did not result in death (only injury), but was worth an honourable mention. I was in tears I thought this was so funny, and nearly wee'd my pants in public!

The Bricklayer - Accident Report

This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."


If you like this, check out www.darwinawards.com
 
Oh God!

OK, I just spilled rum and coke on the keyboard!

That's great!
 
wishfulthinking said:


The Bricklayer - Accident Report



I'm surprised this was admitted to the Darwin Awards, because this is actually a very old joke, and was even set to music by some folk group back in the 60's or 70's (The Irish Rovers?)

There's an excellent book on the anatomy of the dirty joke whose exact tritle escapes me, but it was one of the books published by Grove Press that caused a censorship dust-up when it was released in the '50's, (along with Henry Miller's "Tropic of Cancer")

The author examines jokes by category, and as I recall, the category with the most jokes was the "Doc, Doc, ya gotta help me..." joke, followed by Newlywed jokes and traveling salesman jokes. Of course, this was the state-of-the-joke back in the '50's. Very few jokes dealt with things like oral or anal sex back then...

---dr.M.
 
Gerard Hoffnung

The Bricklayer was told by Gerard Hoffnung to the Oxford Union in December 1958. It is (or was) available on CD from the BBC.

I don't think he claimed that he was the originator, but his is the definitive performance and is copyright.

The book Dr M is thinking of is:

The Rationale of the Dirty Joke by G Legman.

I think MG has a first edition.

Og
 
Re: Gerard Hoffnung

oggbashan said:
The book Dr M is thinking of is:

The Rationale of the Dirty Joke by G Legman.

I think MG has a first edition.

Og

Thank you Og! That's it!

Funny, but when I was trying to think of the author's name, all I could think of was "Thigh". Honestly! I don't know how I could have forgotten his name.

--dr.M.
 
For fun, do a google search for "miserable failure" (exact phrase, use quotes).

Report first item.
 
Pure said:
For fun, do a google search for "miserable failure" (exact phrase, use quotes).

Report first item.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

You can do the same with "weapons of mass destruction".

- Mindy
 
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Originally posted by Pure: For fun, do a google search for "miserable failure" (exact phrase, use quotes).

Ouch! That has gotta hurt. :D

Re: The Bricklayer - it's an urban legend, like the scuba diver in the Greek Islands. Doesn't matter how old it is, it totally cracks me up every time!

But sometimes fact is stranger than fiction - what about that guy who is banned from 134 public toilets or something for doing foot long poos? Adds new meaning to the "don't shit in your own back yard" motto.
 
Hmmmmm

Nice one Mab's hell I'm some twisted fuckwit, I thought they were all quite amusing, must be going multinational.:)
 
You know a woman is having a bad day, when she's got a tampon behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil. :(
 
I'm a bit disappointed that there isn't any data about Portugal in the study... :(

The Bricklayer is also featured in 1997's Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace.
 
What, no Blonde Jokes?

I bet the blonde jokes don't rate too high is Sweden. Anyway...

One lady turns to her blonde friend after seeing a one-eyed dog stroll by.
"Did you see the dog with one eye?"
The blonde turns around while covering one eye and asks, "Where?"
 
I Love Blonde Jokes, so many members of my family are blonde.


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, to catch herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back

"Damn it!" she exclaimed in frustration, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
 
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