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Jokes

There are five key factors to a happy life.
#1. Find a woman who makes you laugh.
#2. A woman who shares your values and ideals.
#3. A woman who has the same pop cultural interests.
#4. A woman who is great in bed.

And most importantly, makes sure these four women never find out about each other.
 
An obviously drunk old man staggers into a biker hangout, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around he spies 3 bikers sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine-looking woman!"

The biker looks at him, takes a swig of beer and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is one bad biker and would usually fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans over the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing and they can't understand what's happening.

The drunk leans over the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the arm and starts to drag him toward the door saying, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk.......Go home!"




Comshaw
 
My favorite thing hint to laugh at is the credit card bill from this past weekend. Not a joke per se but still going to be hilarious.
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffaloshit!... It mean someone stole tent."
 
(New Lit user): HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

(Lit Mod): Welcome. Try pressing CapsLock.

(new Lit user): AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!
 

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.​


The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”

The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
 

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.​

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.

A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."

He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."
 
sterculius said:
Adam once asked God "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God replied "So that you would love her", "But why did you also make her so stupid?" asked Adam and God replied " So that she would love you!"
Click to expand...
40+ years old joke
 
A guy is at the doctors office.

The doctor tells him: " I have a bad news and a good news for you. Which one do you want to know first?"
The patient says:" The bad one first."
The doctor:" You have an incurable disease and you will be dead in three months."
The patient:" Then what is the good news?"
The doctor:" Did you notice the sexy new receptionist when you came in?"
The patient: "Yes, of course I did"
The doctor: "I am fucking her".
 

One day death came to a Guy and said, Hey, today is your last day.​


Guy: "But I'm not ready!"

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy: "Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?"

Death: "All right."

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!

When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me, now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list."
 
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