SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swim suit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hardon.Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct
course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him
on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"
A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies. While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.
"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"
"Hundred bucks," she replied.
"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.
"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."
A third-grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off.
The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowned and rubbed it off.
The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it was huge, covering up almost half of the space.She couldn't take it anymore, so she screamed out to the room of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"
Little Johnny screamed back, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Once, at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food."
The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread."
"War is Hell, bring us the food." And so he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine" they shout.
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is Hell, bring us the wine." So the young man manages to find half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman" they demand.
"But everyone has left the village. The only female left here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is hell", they respond, "Bring her to us."
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."
Granny replies, "Damned if you will! After all, War is Hell!!"
Two golfers were out playing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. While he was looking for it, his playing partner heard a loud scream! He rushed into the woods to check on his buddy and found him lying on the ground holding onto his butt.
"What happened", his buddy asked?''
"I got bit on the butt by a rattle snake. I need you to go back to the clubhouse and get a doctor!"
The friend hurried off on his cart to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, he found the only doctor there was in the process of delivery a baby. "Doctor, doctor, my friend was looking for his golf ball in the woods and he got bit by a rattle snake! What can I do to save him?"
"You will have to take this scalpel, cut open the skin at the bite, and suck all the poison out!" The friend jumped back on the cart, sped back to the woods, and skidded to a halt where his friend lay.
"Where's the doctor?"
>
"He's delivering a baby!"
"What did he say?"
"He said you were going to die!!!"
course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him
on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"
A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies. While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.
"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"
"Hundred bucks," she replied.
"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.
"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."
A third-grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off.
The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowned and rubbed it off.
The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it was huge, covering up almost half of the space.She couldn't take it anymore, so she screamed out to the room of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"
Little Johnny screamed back, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Once, at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food."
The young man said " But I have only half a loaf of bread."
"War is Hell, bring us the food." And so he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine" they shout.
"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"
"War is Hell, bring us the wine." So the young man manages to find half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman" they demand.
"But everyone has left the village. The only female left here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"
"War is hell", they respond, "Bring her to us."
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time."
Granny replies, "Damned if you will! After all, War is Hell!!"
Two golfers were out playing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. While he was looking for it, his playing partner heard a loud scream! He rushed into the woods to check on his buddy and found him lying on the ground holding onto his butt.
"What happened", his buddy asked?''
"I got bit on the butt by a rattle snake. I need you to go back to the clubhouse and get a doctor!"
The friend hurried off on his cart to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, he found the only doctor there was in the process of delivery a baby. "Doctor, doctor, my friend was looking for his golf ball in the woods and he got bit by a rattle snake! What can I do to save him?"
"You will have to take this scalpel, cut open the skin at the bite, and suck all the poison out!" The friend jumped back on the cart, sped back to the woods, and skidded to a halt where his friend lay.
"Where's the doctor?"
>
"He's delivering a baby!"
"What did he say?"
"He said you were going to die!!!"
