Mistress
Lit's Original Mistress
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2001
- Posts
- 13,167
I'm so tired! LOL!
I want a divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I’ve got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What’s that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I’ve got the airbag!"
---------------------------------
Extra! Extra!
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
----------------------------------
Can't Find My Way Home
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh, Morris." said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."
-------------------------------
His Dying Wish
An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Rogers."
"Why Fred Rogers?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man.
--------------------------------
Are You Normal?
Here's a survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions. As you are reading this, remember that 90% of the respondents have said that they have lied in their life.
AROUND THE HOUSE
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
HABITS
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
FOOD
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
HYGIENE
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
DRIVING
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
RELIGION
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
* 49% believe in ESP.
DAILY LIVING
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
LOVE & SEX
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.
---------------
Let's Return To Those Simpler Days
M E M O
To: All Corporate Staff
From: Corporate Information Systems
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Mac and NT conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan 1, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-mails.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
-----------------
As Plain As...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
*On ice machine in Sands Hotel lobby:
Keep frozen or ice will turn to water.
Have a Good Day Everyone.....ugh..I hope I can stay awake!
I want a divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I’ve got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What’s that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I’ve got the airbag!"
---------------------------------
Extra! Extra!
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
----------------------------------
Can't Find My Way Home
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh, Morris." said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."
-------------------------------
His Dying Wish
An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Rogers."
"Why Fred Rogers?" his wife asked. "You've hated him all of your life!"
"Still do," gasped the old man.
--------------------------------
Are You Normal?
Here's a survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions. As you are reading this, remember that 90% of the respondents have said that they have lied in their life.
AROUND THE HOUSE
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.
HABITS
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
FOOD
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
HYGIENE
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.
DRIVING
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
RELIGION
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
* 49% believe in ESP.
DAILY LIVING
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary.
* 59% of us say we're average-looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
LOVE & SEX
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone.
---------------
Let's Return To Those Simpler Days
M E M O
To: All Corporate Staff
From: Corporate Information Systems
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Mac and NT conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan 1, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-mails.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
-----------------
As Plain As...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
*On ice machine in Sands Hotel lobby:
Keep frozen or ice will turn to water.
Have a Good Day Everyone.....ugh..I hope I can stay awake!
