Jokes & Humor
- Thread starter Daff
- Start date
Cat in Heaven
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
Heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and
if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable,
please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard
wooden
floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a
wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident,
and
all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them
with
the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running,
running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have
roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new
roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since
you
got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better
than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've
been
sending by are the best!"
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
Heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and
if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable,
please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard
wooden
floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a
wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident,
and
all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them
with
the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running,
running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have
roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new
roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since
you
got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better
than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've
been
sending by are the best!"
Affair #1
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant and sure
enough,
delivered a healthy baby boy
nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his
new
son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever
seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the
father of
that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant and sure
enough,
delivered a healthy baby boy
nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his
new
son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever
seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the
father of
that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Affair #2
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved
for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead mans' schlong.
He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show
you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved
for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead mans' schlong.
He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show
you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Affair #3
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the
Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the
Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
Affair #4
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied "yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR CENTS?", exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.
The barman replied "yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR CENTS?", exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
Affair #5
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move
slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's
all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.... I slept with your sister,
your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move
slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's
all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.... I slept with your sister,
your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Bullfrogs and Blowjobs
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of
the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of
the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"
Doing the Laundry
There once was a rather prudish couple. They were so uptight that they had
to refer to sex as "doing the laundry". So one night, the husband’s
feeling rather randy and says to his wife, "Hey honey, do you feel like 'doing the laundry' tonight?” She responds, "No thanks dear. I'm not really in the mood."
A few hours later, the wife feels pretty randy. She says to her
husband, "Still up to doing the laundry?” He responds, "No, it was a small load so I did it by hand."
There once was a rather prudish couple. They were so uptight that they had
to refer to sex as "doing the laundry". So one night, the husband’s
feeling rather randy and says to his wife, "Hey honey, do you feel like 'doing the laundry' tonight?” She responds, "No thanks dear. I'm not really in the mood."
A few hours later, the wife feels pretty randy. She says to her
husband, "Still up to doing the laundry?” He responds, "No, it was a small load so I did it by hand."
Icey*Fire
PG #36
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,667
There once was on old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic"When I die I'll get it on my way up".
Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and
found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar.' said the old woman.
Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and
found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar.' said the old woman.
Four Parrots
A Woman walks into a church one day and goes up to the priest. She says
to the Priest, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking
Parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?"
the Father asks. She replies, "They say, Hi were Prostitutes do you want
to have some fun?" "That's is unheard of!" They Priest screamed. The
Priest pauses for a moment and says, "I may have the solution to your
problem, I also have two talking Parrots, mine though are Male. I have
taught them to pray and read the Bible, bring your two Parrots over to my
home and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Jobe." She brings
them over the next day and as soon as she walks in she sees Francis and
Jobe in their cage praying. Impressed she walks over and lets her two
Parrots into the cage. There’s a stunned silence and the Woman and the
Priest decided to leave the Parrots to be. Five minutes passes quickly
and still the Woman and Priest are sitting in the living room waiting,
Francis and Jobe are going on with their ordinary tasks. About Ten
Minutes after that the Female Parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, were
Prostitutes do you want to have some fun?" Francis and Jobe look at each
other stunned and all of the sudden Jobe calls out, "FRANCIS PUT THE
FUCKING BOOK AWAY OUR PRAYERS HAVE FINALLY BEEN ANSWERED!"
A Woman walks into a church one day and goes up to the priest. She says
to the Priest, "Father, I have a problem, I have two female talking
Parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?"
the Father asks. She replies, "They say, Hi were Prostitutes do you want
to have some fun?" "That's is unheard of!" They Priest screamed. The
Priest pauses for a moment and says, "I may have the solution to your
problem, I also have two talking Parrots, mine though are Male. I have
taught them to pray and read the Bible, bring your two Parrots over to my
home and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Jobe." She brings
them over the next day and as soon as she walks in she sees Francis and
Jobe in their cage praying. Impressed she walks over and lets her two
Parrots into the cage. There’s a stunned silence and the Woman and the
Priest decided to leave the Parrots to be. Five minutes passes quickly
and still the Woman and Priest are sitting in the living room waiting,
Francis and Jobe are going on with their ordinary tasks. About Ten
Minutes after that the Female Parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, were
Prostitutes do you want to have some fun?" Francis and Jobe look at each
other stunned and all of the sudden Jobe calls out, "FRANCIS PUT THE
FUCKING BOOK AWAY OUR PRAYERS HAVE FINALLY BEEN ANSWERED!"
No Excuses
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance
of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except
illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family
(with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your
other hand."
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance
of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except
illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family
(with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about
extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your
other hand."
Cinderella
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy
beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course
through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like
of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock
of bright blue electricity,she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
balls chopped off now, don't you?"
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy
beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the
edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy
Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does
your heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course
through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said
"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like
of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to
fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke
"Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock
of bright blue electricity,she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my
balls chopped off now, don't you?"
Anyway you want it
A man approached a hooker and said "I'll give you $500 if you will have sex with me anyway I want. The Hooker said that the price he offered is slightly low. The man then said "Well then I’ll give you $1000 if you will have sex with me anyway I want. The hooker finally agreed and they left and went to a motel.
The hooker and man were busy at it when suddenly the hooker said "Exactly how do you want to have sex for $1000?” The man replied, "On Credit Baby...On Credit!"
A man approached a hooker and said "I'll give you $500 if you will have sex with me anyway I want. The Hooker said that the price he offered is slightly low. The man then said "Well then I’ll give you $1000 if you will have sex with me anyway I want. The hooker finally agreed and they left and went to a motel.
The hooker and man were busy at it when suddenly the hooker said "Exactly how do you want to have sex for $1000?” The man replied, "On Credit Baby...On Credit!"
Icey*Fire
PG #36
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,667
The redneck finally got himself a job in a factory in town, so he and his 13 yr old bride moved down from the mountain cabin to the apartment in town. The young girl was in awe when she walked in the door and was shown the refrigerator, the gas stove, and the faucets that produce hot and cold water."I must have died an' gone to heaven", she exclaimes.
Happy that she liked the place, her husband went off to work. That night, he walked in the door to find the girl sobbing hysterically in front of the bathroom. When he finally calmed her down enough to talk, he asked her what happened.
"It's that dang washin' machine," she wailed. "I put your shirts in, pulled the handle, and they disappeared.!"
Happy that she liked the place, her husband went off to work. That night, he walked in the door to find the girl sobbing hysterically in front of the bathroom. When he finally calmed her down enough to talk, he asked her what happened.
"It's that dang washin' machine," she wailed. "I put your shirts in, pulled the handle, and they disappeared.!"
Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned.
The next thing you know, they're standing before Saint Peter. As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife.
Saint Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married woman named Penny.
" St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and Wang! Down the chute went the Methodists.
The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."
The next thing you know, they're standing before Saint Peter. As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife.
Saint Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married woman named Penny.
" St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and Wang! Down the chute went the Methodists.
The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."
If Restaurants were like Microsoft................
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day $2.50
Access to Support $1.00
TOTAL $8.50 + tax
Racecar Driver
The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish'." "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pusssy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open'?"
The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish'." "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pusssy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open'?"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's
a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies,
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies,
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers
A. You can only fit one cunt in a pair of knickers.
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians
A. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off
Q: What's the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian?
A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers
A. You can only fit one cunt in a pair of knickers.
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians
A. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off
Q: What's the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian?
A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.
What Sex Are They?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm
up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider
this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm
up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider
this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
The Top Ten Reasons it Sucks to be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.
