Joke page
- Thread starter mig
- Start date
Lost Cause
It's a wrap!
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2001
- Posts
- 30,949
A horse walks into a bar....
The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, why the long face?"
The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, why the long face?"
bknight2602
Knight of Pleasure
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2002
- Posts
- 24,362
mig said:
Dog? Pardon me, but do you mean God? Then it could go either way. Good joke.
T.H. Oughts
Oh the thoughts of Oughts
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2001
- Posts
- 19,712
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
*sorry I know it's not really true, but it made me chuckle*
*sorry I know it's not really true, but it made me chuckle*
Freya
gmilf
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2002
- Posts
- 42,367
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found
anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young! prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
Come on, guess.........
The first motel she could find.
(She's old, not dead!)
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found
anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young! prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
Come on, guess.........
The first motel she could find.
(She's old, not dead!)
huskie
Recovering
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2002
- Posts
- 49,404
wish i never said that
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would
like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during
her
warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience
since I
once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind
it
which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in
back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but
none of
them were really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing
again."
7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can
see
it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging
the cox
of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."
10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before
each
final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God,
what
have I just said?"
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would
like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during
her
warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience
since I
once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind
it
which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in
back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but
none of
them were really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing
again."
7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can
see
it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging
the cox
of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."
10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before
each
final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God,
what
have I just said?"
Secret Kate
Driving around in my Jeep
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2001
- Posts
- 4,443
Last edited:
LAPSUS LlNGUAE
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2002
- Posts
- 19
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was
discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor
read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in
a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ...
Who was ''HE'?"
discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor
read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in
a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ...
Who was ''HE'?"
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Q. Know what Paul Revere said at the end of his famous ride?
A. WHOA!
A. WHOA!
LAPSUS LlNGUAE
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2002
- Posts
- 19
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Eumenides
I Am Little Spoon
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2002
- Posts
- 24,371
A woman and her husband had been married for a year, had been nearly inseperable, and had a fantastic sex life. In fact, the woman hadn't gone one day without an orgasm in that year. But then the husband was called away on business. He was worried that his sexually charged wife might look to others while he was gone.
He went to a sex shop and stepped up to the clerk. "I need the best fucking dildo you have."
The clerk showed him some of his best models, but the husband kept shaking his head no. "My wife has a great hunger for sex and I will be gone a week."
The clerk looked at him skeptically, and said, "well, I do have this one, but it's very expensive."
The husband said, "Give it to me, I don't care about the cost."
"Well," the clerk said in a whisper, "It's a magic dildo."
The man laughed as the clerk got out a box inlaid with velvet. There lay an average looking dildo. The husband started to shake his head. The clerk stopped him and got a glass out from under the counter. He then said, "Magic dildo, the cup." The dildo flew through the air and started working away on the cup. The husband's eyes widened as he saw the furious pace the dildo was taking.
The clerk smiled. "Magic Dildo, home."
The dildo flew through the air and went back into the box.
The man bought the dildo and practically raced home.
He showed it to his skeptical wife, but once the dildo started going away at the cup, she was thrilled.
The husband left the next day, and as soon as he left, the wife got the dildo box out and got herself ready for penetration. She then said, "Magic dildo, my pussy." The magic dildo flew through the air and gave her orgasm after orgasm. After twelve, the woman realized she didn't remember how to get it to stop. She tried "Magic dildo, stop. and Magic dildo the box." But it did not leave her now sore pussy.
Embarrassed, she finally decided to go to the hospital.
She climbed in her car with the dildo still working its magic on her. As she drove she found it harder and harder to concentrate on her driving. She was eventually swerving around the road quite dangerously.
She was soon pulled over by a cop. She rolled her window down, her eyes flooded with tears, and her body jumping and twitching. The cop asked her what was wrong, and she told him the story of the magic dildo.
The cop laughed. "Magic Dildo, MY ASS!!!!!!"...
He went to a sex shop and stepped up to the clerk. "I need the best fucking dildo you have."
The clerk showed him some of his best models, but the husband kept shaking his head no. "My wife has a great hunger for sex and I will be gone a week."
The clerk looked at him skeptically, and said, "well, I do have this one, but it's very expensive."
The husband said, "Give it to me, I don't care about the cost."
"Well," the clerk said in a whisper, "It's a magic dildo."
The man laughed as the clerk got out a box inlaid with velvet. There lay an average looking dildo. The husband started to shake his head. The clerk stopped him and got a glass out from under the counter. He then said, "Magic dildo, the cup." The dildo flew through the air and started working away on the cup. The husband's eyes widened as he saw the furious pace the dildo was taking.
The clerk smiled. "Magic Dildo, home."
The dildo flew through the air and went back into the box.
The man bought the dildo and practically raced home.
He showed it to his skeptical wife, but once the dildo started going away at the cup, she was thrilled.
The husband left the next day, and as soon as he left, the wife got the dildo box out and got herself ready for penetration. She then said, "Magic dildo, my pussy." The magic dildo flew through the air and gave her orgasm after orgasm. After twelve, the woman realized she didn't remember how to get it to stop. She tried "Magic dildo, stop. and Magic dildo the box." But it did not leave her now sore pussy.
Embarrassed, she finally decided to go to the hospital.
She climbed in her car with the dildo still working its magic on her. As she drove she found it harder and harder to concentrate on her driving. She was eventually swerving around the road quite dangerously.
She was soon pulled over by a cop. She rolled her window down, her eyes flooded with tears, and her body jumping and twitching. The cop asked her what was wrong, and she told him the story of the magic dildo.
The cop laughed. "Magic Dildo, MY ASS!!!!!!"...
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
lovetoread
hello daddy
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Posts
- 42,978
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
LAPSUS LlNGUAE
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2002
- Posts
- 19
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class.
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,
and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-alec student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.
"But, what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded,
"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,
and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-alec student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.
"But, what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded,
"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
mig
Looking for???
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2001
- Posts
- 3,155
George Bush and Dick Cheney go out to dinner.The waitress takes their order.Cheney says he'd like the prime rib,and Bush says he'd like a quickie.
The waitress storms off shouting that she'd thought that all that
horrible behaviour and language would stop now that Bush was President.
So Bush sits there looking confused,and Cheney says,"Uh,Mr President,that's pronounced Quiche".
The waitress storms off shouting that she'd thought that all that
horrible behaviour and language would stop now that Bush was President.
So Bush sits there looking confused,and Cheney says,"Uh,Mr President,that's pronounced Quiche".
T.H. Oughts
Oh the thoughts of Oughts
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2001
- Posts
- 19,712
WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS:
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... any part under a car's hood.
Male ... the strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male ... playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female ... the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male ... leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female ... a desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ... not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female ... a good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... an embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male ... a source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having
sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... a device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... a device for scanning through all 375 channels every
5 minutes.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ... any part under a car's hood.
Male ... the strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female ... fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male ... playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female ... the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male ... leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female ... a desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ... not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female ... a good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female ... an embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male ... a source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ... the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ... call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having
sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female ... a device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... a device for scanning through all 375 channels every
5 minutes.
LAPSUS LlNGUAE
Virgin
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2002
- Posts
- 19
It is the year 2019.
Both of the Beckham's boys are playing for Man Utd.
Brooklyn says to David "Is it ok if I wear your number on my shirt dad?"
David says "Yes, wear No 7, that'll be fine"
Romeo asks "What number shall I wear dad?.
David replies ...
"Wear Four out there Romeo"
Both of the Beckham's boys are playing for Man Utd.
Brooklyn says to David "Is it ok if I wear your number on my shirt dad?"
David says "Yes, wear No 7, that'll be fine"
Romeo asks "What number shall I wear dad?.
David replies ...
"Wear Four out there Romeo"
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