Joke of the day...

[Ask For More]

Joke of the day:

There were two friends. One evening, they were in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse for the evening. So they got to the whorehouse, paired off with a couple of the ladies, and went to their respective rooms.
The first guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours and screwed the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a line on the wall. Again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humped the hooker again. He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, his friend barged into the room to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A hundred and eleven? Damn! You beat me by three!"




Any other jokes?

 

[Morgoth]

Snicker, snicker, snort, snort.

It was funny in a sick, twisted sense, actually.

 

[Ask For More]

Here's a terrible one:

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"

BU-DA-BING!

 

[Guest]

Naked in the Hall

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. 'Oh look,' says the second nun, 'a soap dispenser.'

To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.

Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells, 'Look, hand cream!'

 

[Guest]

Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn

 

[~melia~]

Please let me win the lotto

A certain woman named Brandy finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandy again prays, "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandy still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandy is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandy, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

 

[Ask For More]

Rant

Put this somewhere else and realised it was a bit out of place!


"I remember when I was young, I used to live in a pretty nice area. The problem was it was surrounded by hellholes in all directions. You know you're in trouble when you play 'count the bulletholes' with your friends after school. Getting numbers beyond two was a major achievement for them. 1+1 was something that happened to other people. I mean, some of these guys couldn't afford to buy a better house but could afford guns and cars? Seems pretty twisted logic to me. Some people couldn't tell you what a odd number was, but if you asked them about number 25 down the road they'd provide you with names, numbers and full blueprints for the 'discerning thieves' among us.

But I guess in a way it makes sense. Like, why buy a playstation when you can have the real thing? Some of these guys used to play Virtua Cop with real people! Of should it be Virtua Robber? Gran Turismo was an everyday occurence in my street, and eventually the council got fed up with the walls being demolished every week and just gave up. Don't blame them really.

Then there was the whole school thing. Some of my friends couldn't believe that I actually went to school! They were always getting on at me, as if school was some sort of mythical Valhalla where you get to meet girls who haven't been through three prams and a ton of social security by the time they're 12. But I didn't get respect. I went home with a degree and they were like, "that's nice.". An acquaintance comes back from the police station with a new bar code and they're like 'Damn! I gotta get me one of those!'"

 

[Chuckus]

imagine Ross Perot as President, thats the joke of the day.........*ducking as I know I will get flamed for that one*

 

[Ask For More]

If i was american then i would understand that and probably flame you ;op

 

[Ask For More]

Today's Joke of the day

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders
a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole. The bartender sees this and screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He
eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his
monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds
a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He
still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

 

[Chuckus]

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:
First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

 

[BrainyBeauty]

Perfect Day

Perfect Day for a Woman

8:15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 - Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 - Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 - Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 - Light workout at club with handsome, funny
personal trainer.
10:30 - Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 - Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 - Notice ex-boyfriend's wife; she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 - Shopping with friends.
3:00 - Nap.
4:00 - A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a
secret admirer.
4:15 - Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 - Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 - Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 - Make love.
11:00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 - Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.


Perfect Day for a Man

6:00 - Alarm.
6:15 - Blowjob.
6:30 - Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 - Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 - Limo arrives.
7:45 - Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 - Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 - Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 - Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 - Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3
Heinekens.
12:15 - Blowjob.
12:30 - Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 - Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 - Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 - Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female
crew.
4:30 - Catch world record light tackle marlin-1,249 lbs.
5:00 - Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked
Kathy Ireland.
7:00 - Watch CNN News flash (insert current President's
name) resigns.
7:30 - Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 0z
New York strip.
9:00 - Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and
Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 - Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 - Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 - Go to bed.
11:50 - Let loose a 12-second, 4-octave fart. Watch the dog
leave the room.
11:55 - Laugh yourself to sleep.

 

[Beebeeblue]

A first-grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked him to come up with the remainder of the proverb.



Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...... bug is close.
It's always darkest before......daylight savings time.
Never under estimate the power of......termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ......how?
Don't bite the hand that......looks dirty.
No news is ......impossible.
A miss is as good as a ......Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
Love all, trust......me.
The pen is mightier than the......pigs.
An idle mind is......the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's......pollution.
Happy the bride who......gets all the presents.
A penny saved is......not much.
Two's company, three's......the musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as......Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed......get new batteries.
You get out of something what you......see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way.
Better late than......pregnant.

It's amazing what a first grader thinks.

 

[Ask For More]

While on the subject of children....

Here's something i picked up the other day. Classic!




Childrens books that never quite made it...


Strangers Have the Best Candy.

The Little Sissy Who Snitched.

Some Kittens Can Fly!

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her.

The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking.

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

Bi-Curious George.

You Are Different and That's Bad.

Dad's New Wife Timothy.

Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games.

Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets.

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse.

The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will.

Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

 

[willywanker]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his profesionalism went out the window.

He immeciately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked. "Yes" she replied, "Your checking for abrasion, or dermatological abnormalities." "That right" he said.

He then began to fondle her breast. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. Again she replied, "Yes, your checking for any lumps or signs of breast cancer." "That right" replied the doctor.

Unable to stop himself he next mounted his patient and started having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes" she said, "your getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

 

[brazenblaze]

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form"

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are
probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such
as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s)
you were disqualified from the competition:
(see below)


"The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form"
Cont'd

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine
taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date
has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find
unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested
in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you
20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT
into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?"
comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of
Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too
often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending
night classes to get your High School diploma, are
slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than
you mention mine.

___ Your gift of a 2 oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds ,
showed style.

___ Three final words.... Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

 

[brazenblaze]

Just read this one and am ROTFLMFAO.

A man was waiting to go into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really know if he touched them?
He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.

He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampax Remover.

Your penis is under your pillow."

 

[Grrrn38]

Guy sits down at the bar, dejected. Tells, the barkeep: "Double martini, keep 'em coming." When the bartender inquires as to the cause of his apparent despair, the man tells him that he just found his wife in bed with his best friend.

"What did you say to them?"

"Well, I told her to get dressed and get out. And then I turned to my best friend and said, 'bad dog!'

 

[Chuckus]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and



buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.



"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue



you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."



"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get



home."



"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way



that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one



of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's



cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that



right away!"



Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about



her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did



he say?"



"He said the reflector is broken."



"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"



"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency



brake..."

 

[Juliangel]

You guys know I love you so take no offense but I got some great male bashing jokes today

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be
men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
or
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A.Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A.To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A:Becauseit helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money,furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manual

 

[BrainyBeauty]

jokes for a super sunday

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops
down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says,"Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down
next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to
do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're
nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MASTERCARD commercial that never made it to air

Cover charge: $15.00

Round of drinks: $23.00

Table dance: $30.00

Another round of drinks: $23.00

Couch dance and tips: $50.00

A round of shots: $34.00

Another round of drinks: $23.00

Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00

Private dance and hotel room: $500.00

Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings...

.........Priceless

 

[Handy-Andy]

I found this one pinned to the notice board at work . It brought a smile to my face , I hope ya like it

A man walking on a California beach was in deep prayer . All of a sudden he said out loud " Lord grant me one wish " .

Suddenly the sky clouded over his head and in a booming voice the Lord said , " Because you have been faithful to me in all way's I will grant you one wish " .

The man said " Build a bridge to Hawaii , so I can drive over anytime I want to "

The Lord said " Your request is very materialistic , Think of the logistics' of that kind of undertaking . The support's required to reach the bottom of the Pacific ! . The concrete and steel it would take ! , I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things . Take a little more time and think of another wish , a wish you think would honour and glorify me . "

The man thought about it for a long time . Finally he said " Lord , I have been married and divorced four time's . All my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive . I wish I could understand women . I want to know how they feel inside , what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment , why they cry , what they mean when they say " Nothing " and how I can make a women truly happy . "

After a few minute's the Lord said " Do you want Two or Four lane's on that bridge ".

 

[Grrrn38]

Suddenly the sky clouded over his head and in a booming voice the Lord said , " Because you have been faithful to me in all way's I will grant you one wish " .

You know, suddenly I feel the need to go religious also...


One moonless night a burglar is checking out an expensive neighborhood and sees a couple loading luggage into their car. They drive off and, picking the front door lock, he lets himself in. He draws the curtains, and spotting the silver with his small flashlight, starts loading it into his bag when he freezes, hearing a voice:

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

He stands still, trying to identify where the voice is.

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

He swings around and, training the flashlight on the wall behind him, spots a parrot. Sighing with relief, he moves to the wall switch and flips on a light. Out of the corner of his eye he spots a Rottweiller, while the parrot says, "Sic 'im, Jesus!"

 

[Ticklish Girl]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

 

[Ask For More]

More funnies....

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

-You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
-The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
-Wookies are offended by your B.O.
-You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
-Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
-Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
-If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle"