Johnny's Conscience

[Sim8425]

My new story is about a gangster named Johnny Beacher and his dark, grim world. Check out the story to see what happens. The link to the story is in my sig.

Also, I'd like to thank niceguy2002tim for being the first contributor to the story. He adds a great thread and in it Johnny gets an interesting idea. Check it out!

Thanks again niceguy2002tim,

Sim8425

 

[niceguy2002tim]

Good story.

Hey,
I just want to add my 2 cents about this story. It's a great story, and the one possible ending had me laughing almost hard enough to piss my pants!

Keep up the writing, Sim.

-Tim(niceguy2002tim)

 

[deathofcards]

I'm not sure if my feedback on the story went through. I like the concept as it reminds me heavily of The Sopranos and various other gangster films or tv series. It also kind of reminds of me Knockaround guys. I'm planning to write a thread sometime soon.

 

[Sim8425]

Thanks

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Sim8425

 

[Sim8425]

New Thread.

deathofcards adds a thread. In it the driver is roughed up. Good stuff. Check it out!

Thanks deathofcards,

Sim8425

 

[Sim8425]

Story updated.

niceguy2002tim follows up his last thread and in it Johnny has a dangerous plan that could backfire at any moment. Check it out!

Thanks niceguy2002tim,

Sim8425

 

[niceguy2002tim]

My feedback...

Hello Sim,
I sent you a message through the contact feature and I haven't heard any response from you. So I am wondering if the message was lost. But, here is the basis of it. Maybe you can answer my question here.

You state...
This story takes place in the year 2041, a time where there is much chaos and less order.

However throughout the introduction and the following threads, there is no future references. In 38 years I expect some kind of changes from now. I notice that your characters drive cars and trucks and they are still fueled with gasoline. And the value of money hasn't went up or down, but has stayed the same.

Also, you haven't indicated anything about the Chaos and lack of order. I thought maybe a mention about how the City was possibly run by mobs, or something. You have shown no decay of society, as in broken buildings, damages places...

So I was wondering how come the story is based in 2041. As what is writen now seems best for 2003?

-Tim (niceguy2002tim)

 

[Sim8425]

You're right.

Sorry for the late response, I was on vacation, just got back today.

Well now, I'll answer your question. Originally I was going to go more in detail about there not being much order and about how corrupt and poor the city had gotten, that was the reason behind the futuristic setting. I also had some ideas that I hadn't gotten around to and I don't feel they are needed now as I feel the story will progress fine without them. You are correct with your statements though, I haven't written anything that gives the story a fututistic feel, thus I will change the setting to present time.

Thanks for the fair criticism, it only improves the story,

Sim8425

 

[jakelyon]

Not too fast!

Before you change the time settings for the story why don't you think about bringing in the elements that you discussed. I like the idea of it being set in the future, in more lawless time that will allow for more to be done with the ideas of gangs running the city, or corporations. Maybe more of a anarchist kind of feel to the story.

I was working on a couple of ideas to that would utilize the idea of it being set in the future, so maybe hold off a bit and see how things develop.

Just a thought.

Thanks.

 

[Sim8425]

No problem.

No problem Jake, I'll let it develop more then. When I have some spare time I'll try to add some details to the threads that already exist to give the story a more futuristic feel.

Sim8425

 

[jakelyon]

I really think that is the way to go. Make the story better by adding in the detail and information that you wanted to at the beginning.

I think it is a great hook, and will develop into a really cool story.

I have really enjoyed the High School Fantasy story by the way!

 

[Sim8425]

Thanks for the feedback Jake. I'll be looking forward to adding to Black E-mail sometime as it has caught my attention.

Sim8425

 

[jakelyon]

Good, I think Black e-mail is one that has some legs. I will be interested to see where you might take it.

Thanks.

 

[niceguy2002tim]

Whatever works best for all.

Hey,
I agree with Jake too. lol. I agree with myself too. Whatever will better the story. I can work with either path! Perhaps that's an idea... maybe have two pathes.. one set in the present, one set in the future? Hummm? Just a thought.

A note to jake. Your Black E-Mail story has a great start and I wish I had more time to read it. I gotta get some writing done for you sometime. Oh, and a note about Quiet Streets. I have NO control over the approval process, as new threads are added automatically. Not sure how that works, because that feature isn't even activated. I can't changed any of the story options either. BUT, I can edit threads. So I will have a look at your stuff, I am sure they're great anyway. And I noticed that Sim also added a thread. Thanks Guys.

-Tim (niceguy2002tim)

 

[deathofcards]

I think advancing the futuristic elements of Johnny's Conscience would be a good idea. Taking it along a slight cyberpunk path could work, depending upon how high-tech you want things to be.

 

[Sim8425]

niceguy2002tim adds a wonderful thread. In it, someone beats Johnny to the punch when he goes to pick up a bundle of cash, who is it? Read and find out!

Thanks niceguy2002tim,

Sim8425

 

[Sim8425]

Sorry for the late update...

deathofcards adds another excellent thread. In this one Johnny has a job to take care of. The details? Read and find out!

Thanks deathofcards,

Sim8425

 

[Sim8425]

niceguy2002tim revives the story with an excellent additon. Johnny has plans to make a fortune, turns out someone else does as well. Who? Why? Read this thread to find out.

http://www.chyoo.com:81/index.php/main.story.page/24050/

Thanks niceguy2002tim,

Sim8425