Jewish writers, meet here, sit a little, fress.

[NoJo]

Vy not come in, we got kugels, liver, all sorts goodies here.

Of course, if you want something a bissel stronger... we also got a couple beers in the icebox dat the builder left.

Nu, let's hear your bubbemeinses. And no kvetching.

 

[inkstain]

sub joe, i'm not sure, it all depends: how do you feel about shikses?

 

[shereads]

What exactly does the rabbi do to make kosher meats kosher? Does he remain on-site at the packing plant to supervise production, assuring that food-handling equipment is sterile, and taking extra care to keep the frankfurter extrusion tubes cleared of foreign bodies? Or does he just calm the animals, like Jesus or the Pope? I've been paying up to 35 cents more for Hebrew National Beef Frankfurters than I would for Ballpark, the ones that "plump when you cook 'em," because I know a rabbi is involved somehow and if that means fewer contaminants in the wiener mix, I'm all for it. If I'm wrong and kosher just means it's a blessed hot dog, this is a good a time to find out.

~ Curious in Florida

Edited to add: A man I work with says that Palestine should just leave Israel alone. I agree. He's involved with one of those "progressive" born-again Christian churches where the music is hep to what the kids are listening to. Before he said that about Palestine, I thought he was an idiot.

 

[neonlyte]

If I'm wrong and kosher just means it's a blessed hot dog, this is a good a time to find out.

~ Curious in Florida

Dear ~ Curious in Florida,

Kosher hot dogs are circumcised.

Editor - Kosher Grocer Weekly

PS - I speak strictly in jest so as not to offend the offendable.

 

[shereads]

What's Yiddish for "bump"

 

[shereads]

Vat? Again with the bump?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

What's Yiddish for "bump"

Vell, a zetz is a hit, as in "you're gonna get such a zetz you shouldn't know from it!"

A frosk is a slap. A frosk im pisk is a slap in the mouth.

And then there's a vitz. which is like a poke in the ribs. It also refers to those kind of jokes.

Or maybe you like noodjh or noodjhie, which means to pester or bother, as in "Stop nudjing me already!" Mutsche is kind of similar, but really means to torment. One mutsches oneself to make a living.

There's a joke about a very pious jew who spends all his time in prayer and fasting while he notices all these less religious jews doing better than him. That makes him redouble his efforts and he really gets extreme, waking up in the middle of the night to pary and praying on the subway, praying while he eats.

Finally he's in synagogue and really getting into it, pouring ashes on his head and beating his head on the floor, and finally Giod answers him.

"Oh most Holy! Why is it that I see these impious Jews doing so well in the world when they hardly pray or praise Your Name, while me, your most loyal servant, is without Your blessing?"

"Because with you," God says, "It's mutsche, mutsche, mutscheday and night!"

---dr.M.

Extra Bonus Fun Jew Facts #23 and 101:

--Religious Jews never say God's name or even call him "God". They call him ha Shem, which means "The Name" in Hebrew.

--"The Book of Jewish Sports Stars" is one of the shortest books ever written.

 

[CharleyH]

Fuck you! LOL I have a great grandfather, sans wanted to be Hugarian Jew in 40's. I eat Matza balls and bagels, even if i cannot spell!!!

 

[shereads]

--Religious Jews never say God's name or even call him "God". They call him ha Shem, which means "The Name" in Hebrew.

See, that's the kind of crap that ticks me off. You're God. If that's not your name, tell us another name. "Steve." You can do that. You're Steve.

 

[NoJo]

Vell, I see ve hav one or two "Krusty the Clowns" here.*


Never mind. Vell, I haf a qvestion of philosphy. You know, philosophy, like vot you got on dat TV program vit der schwarzers who lif in dat big house mit der guy from Men in Black. (I saw der movie -- vot's mid der title? -- not vun froomer in der hole pictcher!)
und i vos dinking philosopical about life, and birth, and death, you know, big stoff. und i smashed into der car up ahead and dented a fender.

So here's my qvestion: is it I should get a new fender from my brudder-in law's nieces husband who has der scrap metal dealership, or should I go to der Buick ganefs and dey fix it op?


*Krusty the Clown on discovering he wasn't Bartmitva'd: "Christ: I thought I was a self-hating Jew, but now I found out I'm an just an antisemite like everybody else"

 

[shereads]

So there are Jewish writers here? (Four, if you count Krusty. Assuming he still writes some of his own material.)

It's as I guessed. Literotica is predominantly Islamic.

Speaking of Kabballah, and the new Kabballah Lite, my friend C attended a Kabballah wedding last weekend. She said there was no cream cheese at the brunch because it was kosher.

I thought cream cheese was an all-purpose food that crossed religious boundaries.
No?

 

[Moonlust]

Wow, it's good to know all the miserable stereotypes are being passed on to each goy generation...


I'm jewish. And a writer. So....whoopee.


Dairy and meat cannot be eaten together. That's *not* kosher.

 

[NoJo]

Wow, it's good to know all the miserable stereotypes are being passed on to each goy generation...

(spreads hands) How else would we learn how to behave?

 

[shereads]

"Man. Just look at all the crap with my face on it."

~ Krusty at the mini-mart

 

[Erlikkhan]

Oy vey. I have a kosher sausage between my legs that has no pork and no foreskin. My chiksa calls it a strudel and says it tastes gants gut but likes it best when I am shtuping her.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Oy vey. I have a kosher sausage between my legs that has no pork and no foreskin. My chiksa calls it a strudel and says it tastes gants gut but likes it best when I am shtuping her.

In addition to shtoop we have yentz, another word for fuck. I knew a guy who used the word blizzer for a blowjob. He claimed it was Yiddish, but I'd never heard of it before

Yiddish has a great vocabulary for describing losers, sad sacks, victims, and other unfortunate character types. Everyone knows about schlimiels,but what about shlimazls, the Yiddish word for people who always have bad luck? Or nudnik for a know-nothing no-account. A nayfish is your run-of-the-mill suffering soul, kind of like a nebbish, although a nebbish has endearing qualities. Woody Allen is a nebbish.

Then there are the louts, a class unto themselves. There's the yold, who's just ignorant, and the yutz, who's ignorant and kind of proud of it.

One of my favorites is the bulvan, who's a big and blustery oaf (I always think of Arnold Schwartzennegar), a kind of hyperactive version of the zhlub, who's pretty much just like he sounds.

Then you've got your putzes, your momsers and gonnifs and fonfers. This last one I especially like. It refers o someone who whines through their nose, prompting you to give them a zetz and say "Stop fonfing already!" There are schleps and schloomps and shmucks and shmoes.

Bulbenik is reserved especially for hammy, clumsy actors who always flub their lines. The definition in my book (Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish") describes them as actors who talk as if they have potatoes in their mouths. George Jessel must have been bulbenik number one.

---dr.M.

 

[shereads]

In addition to shtoop we have yentz, another word for fuck. I knew a guy who used the word blizzer for a blowjob. He claimed it was Yiddish, but I'd never heard of it before

Yiddish has a great vocabulary for describing losers, sad sacks, victims, and other unfortunate character types. Everyone knows about schlimiels,but what about shlimazls, the Yiddish word for people who always have bad luck? Or nudnik for a know-nothing no-account. A nayfish is your run-of-the-mill suffering soul, kind of like a nebbish, although a nebbish has endearing qualities. Woody Allen is a nebbish.

Then there are the louts, a class unto themselves. There's the yold, who's just ignorant, and the yutz, who's ignorant and kind of proud of it.

One of my favorites is the bulvan, who's a big and blustery oaf (I always think of Arnold Schwartzennegar), a kind of hyperactive version of the zhlub, who's pretty much just like he sounds.

Then you've got your putzes, your momsers and gonnifs and fonfers. This last one I especially like. It refers o someone who whines through their nose, prompting you to give them a zetz and say "Stop fonfing already!" There are schleps and schloomps and shmucks and shmoes.

Bulbenik is reserved especially for hammy, clumsy actors who always flub their lines. The definition in my book (Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish") describes them as actors who talk as if they have potatoes in their mouths. George Jessel must have been bulbenik number one.

---dr.M.

I remember "nudnik." Must have heard it in a Boris and Natasha cartoon. Where else?

What I like about Yiddish insult-words is that they look and sound like insults: yutz, putz, nudnik. No translation needed.

 

[BlackShanglan]

In addition to shtoop we have yentz, another word for fuck. I knew a guy who used the word blizzer for a blowjob. He claimed it was Yiddish, but I'd never heard of it before

Yiddish has a great vocabulary for describing losers, sad sacks, victims, and other unfortunate character types. Everyone knows about schlimiels,but what about shlimazls, the Yiddish word for people who always have bad luck? Or nudnik for a know-nothing no-account. A nayfish is your run-of-the-mill suffering soul, kind of like a nebbish, although a nebbish has endearing qualities. Woody Allen is a nebbish.

Then there are the louts, a class unto themselves. There's the yold, who's just ignorant, and the yutz, who's ignorant and kind of proud of it.

One of my favorites is the bulvan, who's a big and blustery oaf (I always think of Arnold Schwartzennegar), a kind of hyperactive version of the zhlub, who's pretty much just like he sounds.

Then you've got your putzes, your momsers and gonnifs and fonfers. This last one I especially like. It refers o someone who whines through their nose, prompting you to give them a zetz and say "Stop fonfing already!" There are schleps and schloomps and shmucks and shmoes.

Bulbenik is reserved especially for hammy, clumsy actors who always flub their lines. The definition in my book (Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish") describes them as actors who talk as if they have potatoes in their mouths. George Jessel must have been bulbenik number one.

---dr.M.

God, I love the joys and inventiveness of language. There's nothing like it.

Shanglan

 

[shereads]

Is Yiddish related to Russian? Or is there some other reason why so many of the words seem familiar from Boris and Natasha on "Rocky the Flying Squirrel"?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The great "pale" of Jewish settlements comprised Poland, Russia, and parts of Germany. According to Leo Rosten, Yiddish has 4 "basic components: German, Hebrew, Slavic tongues, and what philologists call Loez - the Jewish correlates of Old French and Old Italian."

English was incorporaed later too. Rosten calls the words "Yinglish". A sharrupnikel is a little toy you give a kid to make him keep quiet. You take the core "shutup!", Yiddish-ize it, and add the diminutive "nik" and the affectionate "el" and you've got the word.

One of my favorite Yiddish words is definitely Russian: paskudnyak. It refers to someone who is paskudnyah: dirty, foul, contemptible or loathsome. As Rosten says:

"This word is one of the most greasily graphic, I think, in Yiddish. It offers the connoisseur three nice, long, syllables starting with a sibilant of reprehension and ending with a nasality of scorn. It adds cadence to contempt."

That very Russian "nyah" at the end really lets you wrap your tongue around it too. It's a word you want to spit rather than say.

And speaking of Boris Badonov, did you know that my parents both went to high school with the guy who did his voice? The guy's name was Paul Frees though he was born Solomon Frees. He was famous for coming to school once in his pajamas.

Another brush with greatness.

---dr.M.

Edited to add: I keep on forgetting this word, and it's really one of my favorites: Narr. A narr is a fool, plain and simple. Not malicious like the yutz, nor the kind to cause you trouble by association, like the yold. Just a fool.

When I'm not Dr. Mabeuse, I'm often Dr. Narr.

 

[Guest]

"the nasality of scorn"

Love that. P.

 

[NoJo]

The twentieth century has been called the Jewish century, due to the number of Jewish people and ideas which took center stage, (notably Marxism, Freud's notion of the Unconscious, and Einstein's theories of Relativity) and more importantly political and social events (founding of Israel, Holocaust, Sid Caesar Show).

The twenty first century was dubbed by Eric Hobsbawm, Britain's leading historian of the 20th century, as the "Chinese Century."

Personally, I'm glad the 20th century is over, and hope that we Jews can now go back to what we're best at, endless commentry.

 

[shereads]

And speaking of Boris Badonov, did you know that my parents both went to high school with the guy who did his voice? The guy's name was Paul Frees though he was born Solomon Frees. He was famous for coming to school once in his pajamas.

Oh my god! Did you get a special thrill watching Bullwinkle because you knew Boris? Or did it ruin it for you, knowing he wasn't a real communist?

I didn't realize at the time what a blatantly sexual couple they were. Boris' leer and her cool demeanor...She was on top there, I imagine. But he was allowed to whip the guests.

Edited to add: I keep on forgetting this word, and it's really one of my favorites: Narr. A narr is a fool, plain and simple. Not malicious like the yutz, nor the kind to cause you trouble by association, like the yold. Just a fool.

When I'm not Dr. Mabeuse, I'm often Dr. Narr.

This is too much. A double oh-my-god.

The NAR was the second car I ever owned. My friends christened it the Green Goddam. But "NAR" was my affection term for the hideous thing. It was the first car I ever shopped for all by myself. The salesman offered me a joint during the test drive. And when I woke up a week later I was taking possession of a green metallic Mercury Monarch.

Parts starting falling off right away, beginning with the letters M O and CH from the nameplate in the back.

There were so many serious problems with the Green Goddam that having the letters replaced seemed silly. So for five years it was just NAR.

Moral: if you think your car salesman is your friend because he smokes pot with you, you are

a fool, plain and simple. Not malicious like the yutz, nor the kind to cause you trouble by association, like the yold. Just a fool.

 

[NoJo]

By the way, a Schmock (U.S. Schmuck) is of course, a dick. But my family always used "Schwanz", which can be said with more feeling, like a magician whipping a tablecloth out from under the teacups.

 

[shereads]

By the way, a Schmock (U.S. Schmuck) is of course, a dick. But my family always used "Schwanz", which can be said with more feeling, like a magician whipping a tablecloth out from under the teacups.

Schwanz sounds more impressive by far.