Jewish Humor

[JohnEngelman]

Oh my god, Sarah! You lost so much weight! How did you do it?
Oy, Golde. My no good husband is cheating on me. I am so depressed I can't eat a bite.
So why don't you divorce him?
I need to lose another 10 pounds!

- Alex Blinder

 

[rockcasbah]

On a beach in Florida:

Moishe: “Abe, so sorry to hear about the fire in your dress shop yesterday.”

Abe: “Shhh….. it’s a flood, and it doesn’t happen until tomorrow.”

 

[JohnEngelman]

Morris Rabinowitz in 1936 fled his native Germany.

He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his money, above the limit he could bring to the U.S.A.

When he arrived in New York, the customs official was puzzled as to why anyone would have five sets of gold teeth.

Then Morris explained:

“Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy, but I'm so religious that I also have gapped teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that's two tooth sets. And the other three?"

“Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I'm so Orthodox I have separate teeth for the Passover meat and the Passover dairy."

The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a very strong faith in having separate teeth for meat and dairy and similarly for Easter. This represents four sets of teeth. And the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke quietly. “To tell you the truth," he said, “once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

-
- Charles F. Miller ·

 

[JohnEngelman]

A Fortune 500 company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new Chief Executive Officer. The new boss was determined to make an impression on his new employees.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that schlemiel did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "He just delivered the pizza.”

- Paul Korda