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Understanding Hebrew expressions (or Yiddish, I'm not sure) -
Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me",
and is cried out by Jewish mothers every 15 minutes.
An anthem of true suffering.
Putz
The male reproductive member, primarily used for
urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a
schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for
male in-laws.
Schmuck
Yet another term for the male member, most often used
to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant
stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A
common term for former male in-laws and business
partners.
Goyim:
People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who
doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his
schmeckel*. (*see Putz)
Tattalah
An endearing term of love which means "little man".
An emasculating term for women to call men, if you
think about it. But who has time to think.
Gefilte Fish
A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent
slime jelly. The only food it is permissable for
Jewish children to refuse. In some families,
they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.
Chaleria
A derogatory term which best refers to a female
business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest
English equivalent is "bitch".
Koorveh
A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian
Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to
that flashy shiksa your nephew married.
Kugel
A yummy blend of overcooked noodles, raisins, and
curds of ripe cheese. Not fun to look at. When
slathered with sour cream makes an excellent artery
hardener.
Borscht
A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten
by elderly Ashkenazic Jews who slurp noisily and have
protruding nose hair. Which is
helpful, because it stinks to high heaven.
K'naidlach
Also referred to as matzoh balls. Made with styrofoam
and sponges. There isn't a laxative in the world
strong enough to counteract them.
Schmendrick
A man who messes things up, always loses and feels
miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to
Schlemazel and Schlemiell.
Schlemiell
A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms,
someone who's always spilling his soup.
Schlemazel
The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling
soup on. ( this was my father's favorite term ).
Schmeckel
A guy with a small putz. A nothing.
Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.
Tsuris
A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief,
aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant
with child of an unemployed Catholic
bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home.
Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back
home too.
Latkes
Potato pancakes fried in castor oil and lightly
seasoned with balsa wood. Smells like old boxer
shorts.
Kin-a-hora
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out
their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon
rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe bartender.
JEWISH WISDOM
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again,
no one leaves with a hangover either.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is
a mitzvah.
If you don't eat, it will kill your mother and
grandmother.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand
times.
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big
Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon
Cultural Perspective
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
MORE
A leading medical group has published data that
indicate Seder participants should NOT partake of both
chopped liver and charoses. It is believed that
this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
There is a new product available: whole wheat and bran
matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of
course, is "Let My People Go".
Old Jewish men in Miami get a hernia from wearing a
chai which is too heavy. It is called a Chayaitel
hernia.
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi
is offering circumcisions via the Internet.
The service is called "Emoil."
****
Origin of the internet -
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
****
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
****
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison!"
Vay iz meer
An expression which closely resembles "Woe is Me",
and is cried out by Jewish mothers every 15 minutes.
An anthem of true suffering.
Putz
The male reproductive member, primarily used for
urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a
schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for
male in-laws.
Schmuck
Yet another term for the male member, most often used
to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant
stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A
common term for former male in-laws and business
partners.
Goyim:
People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who
doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his
schmeckel*. (*see Putz)
Tattalah
An endearing term of love which means "little man".
An emasculating term for women to call men, if you
think about it. But who has time to think.
Gefilte Fish
A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent
slime jelly. The only food it is permissable for
Jewish children to refuse. In some families,
they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.
Chaleria
A derogatory term which best refers to a female
business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest
English equivalent is "bitch".
Koorveh
A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian
Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to
that flashy shiksa your nephew married.
Kugel
A yummy blend of overcooked noodles, raisins, and
curds of ripe cheese. Not fun to look at. When
slathered with sour cream makes an excellent artery
hardener.
Borscht
A purple soup made from beets and ammonia. Often eaten
by elderly Ashkenazic Jews who slurp noisily and have
protruding nose hair. Which is
helpful, because it stinks to high heaven.
K'naidlach
Also referred to as matzoh balls. Made with styrofoam
and sponges. There isn't a laxative in the world
strong enough to counteract them.
Schmendrick
A man who messes things up, always loses and feels
miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to
Schlemazel and Schlemiell.
Schlemiell
A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms,
someone who's always spilling his soup.
Schlemazel
The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling
soup on. ( this was my father's favorite term ).
Schmeckel
A guy with a small putz. A nothing.
Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.
Tsuris
A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief,
aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant
with child of an unemployed Catholic
bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home.
Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back
home too.
Latkes
Potato pancakes fried in castor oil and lightly
seasoned with balsa wood. Smells like old boxer
shorts.
Kin-a-hora
A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out
their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon
rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe bartender.
JEWISH WISDOM
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again,
no one leaves with a hangover either.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is
a mitzvah.
If you don't eat, it will kill your mother and
grandmother.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand
times.
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big
Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon
Cultural Perspective
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
MORE
A leading medical group has published data that
indicate Seder participants should NOT partake of both
chopped liver and charoses. It is believed that
this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
There is a new product available: whole wheat and bran
matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of
course, is "Let My People Go".
Old Jewish men in Miami get a hernia from wearing a
chai which is too heavy. It is called a Chayaitel
hernia.
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi
is offering circumcisions via the Internet.
The service is called "Emoil."
****
Origin of the internet -
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
****
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
****
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison!"
