Jbj, Lits Writing Whisperer.

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

A cookbook tipped me off. I collect cookbooks.

The cookbook, a compilation of provincial Southern cuisine contributions, had no recipes for greens or corn-sticks or biscuits and other real Southern fare real Southern people eat. Can you believe it, NO GRITS! Or corn pone! I suspect the contributors are all galvanized Yankees who hitch-hiked South in the 60s and misspeak most Southern words....like YOUALL for Y'ALL. HOW'S Y'ALL can mean one of two things: HOW ARE YOU? and DOES YOUR CAR NEED OIL?

And it got me thinking about prose style. If I think rutabaga tastes like shit (or chitterlings...pronounced CHITLINS), who's to say all share my sentiments? I prefer shit to eggplant but why ding writers with eggplant styles? At LIT its what we do after we weigh stories.

Go and sin no more.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Curious about the etymology of PUNCTUAL, I researched it. The original definition is PUNCTURES not PROMPT. A colander is punctual, a sieve is punctual, a golf course is punctual. Let us s'pose the meaning drifted to PROMPT when the word became a euphemism for completing 9 holes or 18 holes of golf in a particular time.

So, now, if I characterize your ass, punctured with rock salt, as punctual, youre clueless.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Welcome back!

I grow organic veggies. This week I'm harvesting cherry tomatoes and Vidalia Sweet Onions. The onions are, on average, 4 inches across and weigh 12 ounces. See photo. Two things about veggies apply to writing: I know what I'm doing, and know when I get it right. That is, I don't need help, and I don't need beta screeners. My results are consistent. And if you don't like onions, tomatoes, or peaches, it sux to be you, cuz your druthers are irrelevant.

That said, I'm also harvesting peaches. Two years ago I knew shit about peaches, and that's still the case. But the peaches match the standards for Central Florida peaches, and will likely improve when the cross-pollinator blooms in 2015.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I read lotsa noir. I mean LOTSA noir. Its the easiest category (only faggots say genre) to write if you fill every page with problems and action. Teenage angst is the kiss of death in noir. No one on Earth gives a shit that a 19 year old pines for a mom who died 2 decades ago. No one gives a shit about slave days. No one has a hardon for the Nazis. So leave it out.

LIT readers demand PRETTY WOMAN 24/7 but there are no WHORES WITH HEARTS OF GOLD in noir. The hot blonde sucking off the black gangsta is almost certain to lose her front teeth NOT orgasm, in real noir.